on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger
1 May 2006, 2:29 PM
First read:
I read the comments concerning therapists and patients, but I never associated the poem with either; they're far too mundane. This poem is a dream; and I read it just as though I were waking up, trying to piece together bits and pieces of an idea which was blindingly clear just the instant before I awoke. All I can recall at this moment are scattered pictures; flickering memories; a swoop in the distance. And she left me.
Second read:
I can see the dream interpretation theme in the first verse, particularly in the first line of every stanza. It would seem as though the first line describes a reality, and the following lines the dream. They could, in fact, be read separately and still make sense.
I did however enjoy the puns, although I seriously doubt I figured them all out, though. And of course, your trademark ;-)
Solid 10 for a indecently beautiful piece of work. I love a poem that makes me think. But beware of loading your stuff down with too many underlying meanings; you might be too subtle for the rest of us. :-)
I read the comments concerning therapists and patients, but I never associated the poem with either; they're far too mundane. This poem is a dream; and I read it just as though I were waking up, trying to piece together bits and pieces of an idea which was blindingly clear just the instant before I awoke. All I can recall at this moment are scattered pictures; flickering memories; a swoop in the distance. And she left me.
Second read:
I can see the dream interpretation theme in the first verse, particularly in the first line of every stanza. It would seem as though the first line describes a reality, and the following lines the dream. They could, in fact, be read separately and still make sense.
I did however enjoy the puns, although I seriously doubt I figured them all out, though. And of course, your trademark ;-)
Solid 10 for a indecently beautiful piece of work. I love a poem that makes me think. But beware of loading your stuff down with too many underlying meanings; you might be too subtle for the rest of us. :-)
on Quiet Hands by Sunny
30 Mar 2006, 11:28 AM
This is an interesting piece in that although the concept of stopping time is very common, you give a vivid and fascinating rendering of this which is definitely worth a read.
Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.
In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.
shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.
My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!
Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.
In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.
shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.
My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!
on Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo
29 Mar 2006, 2:57 PM
This is such a wonderful piece of work! It's so vibrant and exudes so much joie de vivre that it even had the power to perk me up after a long day of tedious resistors and capacitors.
Am I the first comment? Yay me. -10- + fave.
Am I the first comment? Yay me. -10- + fave.
on Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta
30 Mar 2006, 1:35 PM
I would only change "You make my day" to something a little more original. Otherwise, it's happy and very sweet. I'm glad you're experimenting with different types of poetry!
on Darker Days by oneglove
27 Mar 2006, 10:27 AM
Screamed 'I love you' sounds a little forced. It's as if someone was forcing them to do it.
How about altering the last two lines to:
'Once they cried 'I love you',
Now they only cry.'
then you get a little word-play on 'cry' as well. it would require changing the rhyme though. :-)
How about altering the last two lines to:
'Once they cried 'I love you',
Now they only cry.'
then you get a little word-play on 'cry' as well. it would require changing the rhyme though. :-)
Well, I *was* going to begin this post with "Quoth the Raven: nevermore", but after reading other comments it seems a bit redundant...
The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.
Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!
"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.
I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.
That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.
The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.
Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!
"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.
I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.
That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.
on Settling in by INTRANSIT
15 Mar 2006, 11:09 AM
This is a beautifully musical poem, with different sounds and creaks to savor almost in every verse. Kudos for 'bwong', and cheers for the plumbing in vibrato!
'adoringly' jarred, I must agree. Maybe 'companionably', 'cheerfully' or something alond those lines would be more appropriate?
'adoringly' jarred, I must agree. Maybe 'companionably', 'cheerfully' or something alond those lines would be more appropriate?
on some deleted poem
18 Mar 2006, 9:51 AM
Could someone please enlighten me? afraid I don't get it.
on Relive the Fifth by Miggy
8 Mar 2006, 9:08 AM
Just curious, what do you mean by the First, Second and so on? I don't get it... but I'd like to.
on _The Black Prince_ by Caducus
9 Mar 2006, 11:38 AM
This is extremely good. However, I disagree with Ranger in that it still needs some work.
First and foremost, 'Seppuku' jarred on me intensely because I had envisioned a medieval setting; it doesn't seem to harmonize at all with the rest of the poem.
In addition, shouldn't "conquered by I" be "conquered by me; the Black Prince"?
Not until I had read the poem again did I notice that the narrator was forced to conquer the kingdom; but the other prince was greeted by cheer(s?) and garlands. I guess he had it easier...
First and foremost, 'Seppuku' jarred on me intensely because I had envisioned a medieval setting; it doesn't seem to harmonize at all with the rest of the poem.
In addition, shouldn't "conquered by I" be "conquered by me; the Black Prince"?
Not until I had read the poem again did I notice that the narrator was forced to conquer the kingdom; but the other prince was greeted by cheer(s?) and garlands. I guess he had it easier...
on i prefer steadfast by skaskowski
12 Mar 2006, 12:36 PM
I love visualizing poems, and this one ain't no exception. It's beautiful.
on mundane routine by justarandomtuesday
11 Mar 2006, 11:26 AM
wow, action packed poem! A bit too long for my taste; I feel that it would pack a harder punch if you were to shorten it. You have some really good imagery, though, and it makes for an interesting read.
on Windflower by matt door
11 Mar 2006, 12:39 PM
I'm afraid my heavy breath come dawn isn't that sweet... that aside, I enjoyed the composition and flow of your poem.
on Spoken word (draft) by Adriaan
11 Mar 2006, 11:14 AM
I'm afraid this poem doesn't read as a whole at all. You don't seem to be saying anything meaningful; you start out with Words and end up with Sex. So? The title isn't really relevant to what you're saying, either.
I'd like to see this finished, with a beginning and an end. Perhaps then I can relate to what you're trying to say. As it is, it's a fragment, and I won't vote on it.
I'd like to see this finished, with a beginning and an end. Perhaps then I can relate to what you're trying to say. As it is, it's a fragment, and I won't vote on it.
on Indiscrete by ecargo
18 Mar 2006, 9:47 AM
I wonder if your title is a spelling error of 'indiscreet'? Because if so, it sounds like you're giving a terrific description of waking up in a strange apartment, after a one-night stand. (jeez, I wonder if I'm waay off the mark here).
Assuming it ain't a mistake, the title means, loosely, 'continuous' or 'not individually distinct', and I'm having trouble associating it with the rest of the poem which is very individualistic. I actually like this meaning better; it's unconventional and interesting, and I might just consider blatant plagiarism... *blushes*
Assuming it ain't a mistake, the title means, loosely, 'continuous' or 'not individually distinct', and I'm having trouble associating it with the rest of the poem which is very individualistic. I actually like this meaning better; it's unconventional and interesting, and I might just consider blatant plagiarism... *blushes*
on The Best Thing I Ever Had by faithmairee
12 Mar 2006, 12:19 PM
That's a real lyric, not pretend poetry posing as one. It also feels very tangible; I think I would enjoy listening to this in my car, driving home at dusk.
on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger
12 Mar 2006, 12:14 PM
Extremely cool indeed. I loved "Flashing lights become a string of pearls"... for some reason, the initial image it conjured up was of the glowing circle the lights of a ferris wheel would describe if it were spinning very fast... and then slowing down, until each light is individually distinguishable, a string (well, more like a ring) of pearls.
Your sea poems are terrific! Where do you live, I wonder?