replying on The Unforgiven II by alvinb
2 Apr 2006, 11:35 AM
And title, to boot.
replying on Monsters by raven_the_poet
2 Apr 2006, 11:30 AM
You have a fine narrative style and a healthy sense of rhythm and meter to go with it. I have to agree, though, that a monster poem isn't the most fascinating read, unless there's some twist at then. I actually found bits of it quite amusing, (monsters knocking at the door), although the general impression i got of the monsters was of a traffic light (green skin, flashing yellow and red eyes) with really sharp teeth.
The part about Jane reading from a book is incomplete and feels quite out of place.
The part about Jane reading from a book is incomplete and feels quite out of place.
on Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta
30 Mar 2006, 1:35 PM
I would only change "You make my day" to something a little more original. Otherwise, it's happy and very sweet. I'm glad you're experimenting with different types of poetry!
on Quiet Hands by Sunny
30 Mar 2006, 11:28 AM
This is an interesting piece in that although the concept of stopping time is very common, you give a vivid and fascinating rendering of this which is definitely worth a read.
Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.
In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.
shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.
My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!
Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.
In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.
shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.
My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!
Heh, the narrator is a bit paranoid. He's also, unfortunately for him, going deaf.
Incidentally, have you ever noticed those terrible facial exaggerations that people make when talking to a person who is hard of hearing? As if an invisible someone was stretching their expressions just a teensy bit more than they ought.
Incidentally, have you ever noticed those terrible facial exaggerations that people make when talking to a person who is hard of hearing? As if an invisible someone was stretching their expressions just a teensy bit more than they ought.
replying on SOMETIMES? by Garrett S Sexton
30 Mar 2006, 9:45 AM
It's not just shit; it's in the *tray*, Matt.
on Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo
29 Mar 2006, 2:57 PM
This is such a wonderful piece of work! It's so vibrant and exudes so much joie de vivre that it even had the power to perk me up after a long day of tedious resistors and capacitors.
Am I the first comment? Yay me. -10- + fave.
Am I the first comment? Yay me. -10- + fave.
on Darker Days by oneglove
27 Mar 2006, 10:27 AM
Screamed 'I love you' sounds a little forced. It's as if someone was forcing them to do it.
How about altering the last two lines to:
'Once they cried 'I love you',
Now they only cry.'
then you get a little word-play on 'cry' as well. it would require changing the rhyme though. :-)
How about altering the last two lines to:
'Once they cried 'I love you',
Now they only cry.'
then you get a little word-play on 'cry' as well. it would require changing the rhyme though. :-)
replying on A look inside [someone real} by Garrett S Sexton
27 Mar 2006, 9:56 AM
That's no excuse for us being exposed to a mess of misspellings, perverted grammar, and woefully misplaced capitals. If you expect to be taken seriously (or the girl who wrote this, whatever), you should respect your readers by bothering to edit and spellcheck before publishing. Nobody will ever take gibberish like this seriously.
I'd save the insults if I were you. They really don't improve the poem at all.
I'd save the insults if I were you. They really don't improve the poem at all.
on Indiscrete by ecargo
18 Mar 2006, 9:47 AM
I wonder if your title is a spelling error of 'indiscreet'? Because if so, it sounds like you're giving a terrific description of waking up in a strange apartment, after a one-night stand. (jeez, I wonder if I'm waay off the mark here).
Assuming it ain't a mistake, the title means, loosely, 'continuous' or 'not individually distinct', and I'm having trouble associating it with the rest of the poem which is very individualistic. I actually like this meaning better; it's unconventional and interesting, and I might just consider blatant plagiarism... *blushes*
Assuming it ain't a mistake, the title means, loosely, 'continuous' or 'not individually distinct', and I'm having trouble associating it with the rest of the poem which is very individualistic. I actually like this meaning better; it's unconventional and interesting, and I might just consider blatant plagiarism... *blushes*
Well, I *was* going to begin this post with "Quoth the Raven: nevermore", but after reading other comments it seems a bit redundant...
The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.
Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!
"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.
I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.
That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.
The poem is terrific! A little polish, perhaps, would be in order to earn this a round 10, but as it is, the flow is excellent (and I have no doubt that was tough...) , it reads well and is quite beautiful to top it off.
Little critique with "Cerberus, her eyes resembled".
The 'her' is unclear. If you're talking about your daughter (as it seems, since you continue to use 'her' in following sentences) then 'steel and gore' sounds way out of place. If you're talking about Cerberus, well... it ain't female!
"Must she lay in darkness fading" - change 'lay' to 'lie'.
I also think that 'reprise' in line 7 is misplaced. It means the recurrence or renewal of an action, not an amnesty or pardon. I think.
That aside, it really is a lovely piece of work.
on Settling in by INTRANSIT
15 Mar 2006, 11:09 AM
This is a beautifully musical poem, with different sounds and creaks to savor almost in every verse. Kudos for 'bwong', and cheers for the plumbing in vibrato!
'adoringly' jarred, I must agree. Maybe 'companionably', 'cheerfully' or something alond those lines would be more appropriate?
'adoringly' jarred, I must agree. Maybe 'companionably', 'cheerfully' or something alond those lines would be more appropriate?
on i prefer steadfast by skaskowski
12 Mar 2006, 12:36 PM
I love visualizing poems, and this one ain't no exception. It's beautiful.
replying on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger
12 Mar 2006, 12:30 PM
Wow. I'm honored...
It really is a good job, though. You've got on the one hand, the swiftly moving lines of the carnival action spinning out of control, and on the other hand, the cruelty and brutality implied in "flailing arm", "body blackened", "laughter follows cracks in porcelain". They work together well, creating a overall creepiness reminiscent of the Joker.
It really is a good job, though. You've got on the one hand, the swiftly moving lines of the carnival action spinning out of control, and on the other hand, the cruelty and brutality implied in "flailing arm", "body blackened", "laughter follows cracks in porcelain". They work together well, creating a overall creepiness reminiscent of the Joker.