on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina
3 Apr 2006, 1:19 PM
You start off great, with a natural voice and nice half rhyming but then you start Yoda talking and your rhymes get a little forced in the second half. Make the second half look a little more like the first half and I'll ace you.
replying on Shy, quiet by Ranger
3 Apr 2006, 1:06 PM
I think you entangled your metaphors too much. Maybe if you use the first stanza to set the scene and then the second stanza to explain the event.
replying on Shy, quiet by Ranger
3 Apr 2006, 1:05 PM
I think you entangled your metaphors too much. Maybe if you use the first stanza to set the scene and then the second stanza to explain the event.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
2 Apr 2006, 3:04 AM
Brittany.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
1 Apr 2006, 6:14 PM
It's basically the sequal to "Sunlighting". Where Sunlighting was about making time to spend with children This poem's about carrying a child through difficult and traumatic events. In this case my niece's parents were on the verge of divorce and she had just found out about it so I was helping her make it through that hard time. I've been thinking of renaming it something like "Solar Eclipse".
on The Unforgiven II by alvinb
1 Apr 2006, 1:45 PM
I suppose you're hoping Lars will throw another press conference and announce that he's suing you like he did Napster. Good luck with that. My vote's this: "lO"
It's not a real ten but a copy of a ten.
It's not a real ten but a copy of a ten.
replying on Old Friend by drnick
1 Apr 2006, 1:35 PM
Go ahead. I'm like a drug dealer, first one's always free. :)
replying on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
1 Apr 2006, 1:29 PM
Well I'm sure Amanda thinks you've got a nice ass too but it'll be hell trying to get her to admit it.
I guess your just not used to people being so moved by your poetry that they can't think of anything better to say than "Beautiful". Get used to it. It's a good thing.
I guess your just not used to people being so moved by your poetry that they can't think of anything better to say than "Beautiful". Get used to it. It's a good thing.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
1 Apr 2006, 1:21 PM
Now that you mention it, it does remind me of one of his Songs of Innocense.
I do hope it's William and not Robert that you're talking about.
I do hope it's William and not Robert that you're talking about.
replying on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
1 Apr 2006, 1:00 PM
Oh, you meant to your poem? My bad.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
1 Apr 2006, 12:59 PM
#1 came across as a satire of what you thought I was. You actually think the opposite of me than what you said in the play? I'm very glad to know that you don't wish for me to kill myself.
#2 I'm just showing that being insulting doesn't really help anyone.#4 I actually thought you were talking about the "Sunlighting" poem I linked in my comment. So most of this argument is based on us missinterpreting each other. Talk about a humorous bit of writing? This argument has been one big situation comedy. Priceless:)
I'm dyslexic so they had me take IQ tests at different point in my years of schooling.
I hope the redneck comment was sarcasm becuase otherwise it's a straight up racial slur.
I promise I won't point out your spelling and grammar mistakes too, unless it confuses things.
#2 I'm just showing that being insulting doesn't really help anyone.#4 I actually thought you were talking about the "Sunlighting" poem I linked in my comment. So most of this argument is based on us missinterpreting each other. Talk about a humorous bit of writing? This argument has been one big situation comedy. Priceless:)
I'm dyslexic so they had me take IQ tests at different point in my years of schooling.
I hope the redneck comment was sarcasm becuase otherwise it's a straight up racial slur.
I promise I won't point out your spelling and grammar mistakes too, unless it confuses things.
replying on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
1 Apr 2006, 12:34 PM
Nice ass :)
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
1 Apr 2006, 11:20 AM
#1: Oh, so this is an ACTUAL play? This is a literary work written for performance on the stage. I can't wait to see it performed. Woops, no dialogue, must be some kind of improve thing.
#2 You still don't get it, do you?
#3 All that effort to read my poems and you only comment on two of them which both came before this argument started. Sure, it had nothing to do with finding more things to insult me with.
#4 If I don't bother you then why bother with all this bullshit you're slinging? What I'm saying is that you are pretentious, ergo most of your poetry is. I may be wrong about the poems but seeing several unnecessarily long poems certainly puts up a red flag.
#5 If you'll look you'll see I had no major beef with your critique on this poem but then you'll drop a bird turd like "That poem's a piece of crap" with no reason. You gave Dovina a specific explanation on the "To Michelle" poem, not me. Your specific reason is misguided at best. I've given you several comparisons to help you understand that. Now see, I went through your whole list without ever stooping to the pathetic level of calling you a moron. By the way, I bet my IQ is higher than yours and I've got paperwork to prove it.
p.s. From the obvious displays of provincial often bigoted attitude towards other style/forms of poetry I'd say you're pushing closer to the definition of redneck than I am.
p.p.s. Feel free to point out any misspelling or bad grammar I've used in this comment. I'm sure I probably did some and I'm sure you'll notice.
#2 You still don't get it, do you?
#3 All that effort to read my poems and you only comment on two of them which both came before this argument started. Sure, it had nothing to do with finding more things to insult me with.
#4 If I don't bother you then why bother with all this bullshit you're slinging? What I'm saying is that you are pretentious, ergo most of your poetry is. I may be wrong about the poems but seeing several unnecessarily long poems certainly puts up a red flag.
#5 If you'll look you'll see I had no major beef with your critique on this poem but then you'll drop a bird turd like "That poem's a piece of crap" with no reason. You gave Dovina a specific explanation on the "To Michelle" poem, not me. Your specific reason is misguided at best. I've given you several comparisons to help you understand that. Now see, I went through your whole list without ever stooping to the pathetic level of calling you a moron. By the way, I bet my IQ is higher than yours and I've got paperwork to prove it.
p.s. From the obvious displays of provincial often bigoted attitude towards other style/forms of poetry I'd say you're pushing closer to the definition of redneck than I am.
p.p.s. Feel free to point out any misspelling or bad grammar I've used in this comment. I'm sure I probably did some and I'm sure you'll notice.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
1 Apr 2006, 10:23 AM
I noticed how you omitted part Dictionary.com's definition.
redneck
n. Offensive Slang
1.Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
2.A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
Then beneath that:
redneck
n : a poor white person in the southern United States [syn: cracker]
Rewriting the dictionary for how you think it should be, how typically you.
redneck
n. Offensive Slang
1.Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
2.A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
Then beneath that:
redneck
n : a poor white person in the southern United States [syn: cracker]
Rewriting the dictionary for how you think it should be, how typically you.
replying on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
31 Mar 2006, 6:59 PM
She's resorted to name calling and purposely misinterpreting everything I say. Unlike you and Zodiac, there is nothing stimulating or intellegent coming from her. She still didn't get the fact that I've been saying about her poems the same crap she's been saying about mine. She is by her own definition a moron. But for your pleasure I may continue the fight.
on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
31 Mar 2006, 10:03 AM
I ask you a simple question and you give me some of the best stuff I've read in quite a while. See, I told you your replies are ace. 10+
on Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta
31 Mar 2006, 9:51 AM
This is very sweet like Zodiac said but you might want to think of a slightly different title and phrase than "Because you love me" because Celine Dion has a hit song by the same name. I assume this is a poem to God. Which I like because of my prior arguments that believing in God is simular to being in love. 8 for now but more if you change the title/phrase slightly.
on Old Friend by drnick
30 Mar 2006, 1:21 PM
I like this alot but the last line seems like it's just a filler. Everything else is so personal and sincere that the last line with it's cliche`ness comes across like a Halmark card. Maybe something like "Is as surely as your distance grows".
Did you know color was very symbolic to Ancient Egyptians. Here, I found you a link:
http://www.egyptianmyths.net/colors.htm