replying on Within myself waiting for a call by jessicazee
22 Jun 2007, 11:27 PM
this has more the feel of just hanging around - You ended it well making us see that you are waiting for something...nice work!
replying on Just Another Reason by Skamper
22 Jun 2007, 11:19 PM
Not sure about what you mean about the last three lines - they are kinda incorporated in the intro...
Hmm...I noticed now I have 'til written twice, will fix that up on my own copy thanks.
Hmm...I noticed now I have 'til written twice, will fix that up on my own copy thanks.
on Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick
21 Jun 2007, 4:28 PM
very vivid - I'm betting this is a truthful account. You have twisted some interesting lines. Nice work.
replying on Just Another Reason by Skamper
21 Jun 2007, 4:24 PM
Wrote this after a conversation with some parents about life/lessons/growing and developing a healthy adult. The weary looks and pouting faces were directed at me, because I didn't just nod and agree with them and how wonderful they were as parents. I have the philosophy of letting kids make the little mistakes, get the small bumps, and disappointments so they can handle the bigger injuries and injustices life deals them later. Let them learn to be wise.
replying on Just Another Reason by Skamper
21 Jun 2007, 4:18 PM
I have four kids - 3 teen girls and a pre-teen boy. This is mainly directed at horrible parents, who mean well but suck at the job.
All capitol letters should be demoted immediately, and only given the right to become bigger when requested. Don't be so lazy as to let Word write your lines for you! This is the third or fourth poem I've come across today with idleness stamped all over it. Switch to notepad, take back control...OK that said this is fabulous, loving it. A little jumpy but still full marks for writing with substance.
on Within myself waiting for a call by jessicazee
21 Jun 2007, 4:04 PM
Are you sitting cross-legged? For the first few words are very vague as to their meaning - we all have ankles, what is it yours are doing?
on Better Things by EAger to Offend
21 Jun 2007, 4:00 PM
Not bad at all.
on Dismissing Contentment by Something_Else
21 Jun 2007, 3:57 PM
This is one of those writes that makes me sigh - so under-dramatic. Nicely done. Just one thing find another word for intimidates - a variation of it used already in the first stanza, it's too big a word for double use.
on In the circle of agonies⦠by Prince of Void
21 Jun 2007, 3:54 PM
Get rid of all the punctuation - use the ends of lines as the break points and throw way those capitol letters. Agony is a fairly powerful word, but using it too often in the one write (even though it is about agony) robs it of the impact. This has almost the reclusive feel one who lives in pain constantly.
on Contemplation by Something_Else
21 Jun 2007, 6:40 AM
I get easily distracted and the capitol letters starting each line is distracting. Apart from that an inner dialogue fitting of the mad...maybe?
on husk [hai-crete] by lmp
21 Jun 2007, 6:36 AM
Love it
I'm not F-Logging anything personally - but I know those who do
I hate that 'rolled sweated and panted' line...keep trying it all different ways, which is something I rarely do is edit. I agree with the 'fire into the midst' does feel better.
thanks all... :)
I hate that 'rolled sweated and panted' line...keep trying it all different ways, which is something I rarely do is edit. I agree with the 'fire into the midst' does feel better.
thanks all... :)
replying on I Am A Reality by Skamper
21 Jun 2007, 6:26 AM
I have no idea who Emiliana Torrini is, worth a listen?
replying on I Am A Reality by Skamper
21 Jun 2007, 6:25 AM
Bjork makes me gag, best manic song...Everytime by Butterfingers
replying on The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper
20 Jun 2007, 3:39 PM
It is a pointless word that didn't come out when I wrote this so I see no need to add it now - Interesting how automatic we are when reading something, finding it doesn't make sense if all the words aren't in the sequence we are used to.
on The One I Threw Back by drnick
19 Jun 2007, 2:30 AM
The dream becoming blurry, works better for me. I've buried myself inside mistakes or Buried myself inside my mistakes..or I'm buried inside my mistakes...not sure on the proper english for this but seems to be too many "ownership" words in this line. What you reckon?
I love the torment hindsight can deliver.
I love the torment hindsight can deliver.