replying on I Am A Reality by Skamper
19 Jun 2007, 2:15 AM
well - I'm not totally sure what to make of it myself. Lyrical, I hadn't really thought much about that, except there is a rhythm to becoming manic.
replying on The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper
19 Jun 2007, 1:54 AM
I follow what your saying - but this isn't about sex, (apart from the ways we twist intentions to get it) so the reference to cumming would be a bit dodgy.
replying on ........ by Prince of Void
17 Jun 2007, 12:05 AM
no can't say that I have - worth it?
this reads much better, there are a few things I would change but it's all personal preference.
this reads much better, there are a few things I would change but it's all personal preference.
on Tropical afternoon by cpill
16 Jun 2007, 11:29 AM
Maybe it's because I'm a girl - but the first line just seems too repulsive to go with the rest of the write...I don't get the connection. Overall the resignation at what life brings is evident, and painted quite well...
replying on ........ by Prince of Void
16 Jun 2007, 11:23 AM
I get the void part - only too well...It must be the language that I find difficult. line two do you mean scars? mesmerizing my words - not sure on that concept...putted me into grave? I haven't feel enough? Some lines seem to twist another way, just wanted to clarify.
on This road goes on forever by MacFrantic
16 Jun 2007, 11:03 AM
Sad - it all feels right except for how suicide used to be a pleasant sight...not sure what you mean by that.
on Between two Truths by Dovina
16 Jun 2007, 10:58 AM
I hate to be a band-wagon jumper but I agree with the other two. I like the whole write apart from the cars/churches...they don't seem to work together.
on ........ by Prince of Void
16 Jun 2007, 10:54 AM
I'm just confused - by the language and the message.
on It's Simple by Enkidu
16 Jun 2007, 10:50 AM
Nice little play on words - the give and take of it all...
on Morning Maid by Enkidu
16 Jun 2007, 10:48 AM
Not sure why I like this, and definately know I don't get the full message. Maybe that's why...
on Decisions by MacFrantic
16 Jun 2007, 10:43 AM
flows along nicely enough to be kinda fun and yet a little bloody.
replying on The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper
16 Jun 2007, 10:38 AM
no on both counts but yes on not a nice picture
You know, I'm not great on titles - in fact can be a bit random with them, but when you write with such dream-like and warm images I think your title should reflect that. It seems a little bland for what you have actually written, which is really good. I like it immensely.
replying on Melancholy Tart by Skamper
11 Jun 2007, 4:33 PM
Hmmm...I think there was too much of me in this write. It's meant to be more about the boy, and his focus on his own thoughts. Also I was aiming for light-hearted...lol...will definately have to work on that! Thanks for your input, all appreciated.
on leaves of clover by lmp
11 Jun 2007, 4:21 PM
I like the story, and the beginning shorter stanzas, really gets the rhythm, but the longer lines are kinda awkward. The use of simple language in a story of this kind benifits (I think) from some flowery descriptions as in - gyroscopically and Apis mellifera. I can't even begin to get nect'r and wreck to rhyme. (could just be my accent) Rhyme is so damned hard to achieve without seeming forced.
seems a little clumsy - I think it's the "that would come" not sure about it. It mucked up the flow for me. Also, you could drop the 'that' from the second to last line. I liked the musings within this piece.