on Sissy Faggot by Shardik
17 Dec 2004, 11:54 PM
This poem rules. 10.
replying on That One Time Last Summer, Remember? by jessicazee
13 Dec 2004, 3:19 PM
Thanks for the nice comments, everyone. I'll think what to do with the shower line. You're right, it's clunky.
on Dancing in Memories: Slipping Away In The House On The Hill by Stacy Stewart
8 Dec 2004, 11:20 PM
A little confusing point-of view-wise but I am into it big time anyways?
on Dreams of Neverland: Invitation to Neverland by TLRufener
8 Dec 2004, 11:10 PM
I like this enough to spend a little time with nitpicking...
A few comments: (as I read it out loud):
Line 10: omit "the scent of" - better w/out it
Line 11: Just "cast", not "casted"
Paragraph break after line 14 ..."balcony."
Line 15: "Gazed in awe" is kind of cliche-y.
Line 18: He already gave you his hand a few lines back.
Line 27: "thought" instead of "though", ok...
Sorry to analyze too much ..guess I kind of like the fantastical aspect of this poem. Like I like the movie "Willow". Or "The Neverending Story." But not the "Neverending Story Part II." That may have sucked worse than "Grease 2" with Michelle Pfeiffer.
A few comments: (as I read it out loud):
Line 10: omit "the scent of" - better w/out it
Line 11: Just "cast", not "casted"
Paragraph break after line 14 ..."balcony."
Line 15: "Gazed in awe" is kind of cliche-y.
Line 18: He already gave you his hand a few lines back.
Line 27: "thought" instead of "though", ok...
Sorry to analyze too much ..guess I kind of like the fantastical aspect of this poem. Like I like the movie "Willow". Or "The Neverending Story." But not the "Neverending Story Part II." That may have sucked worse than "Grease 2" with Michelle Pfeiffer.
on moving away by celticskatermatt1
14 Nov 2004, 7:26 PM
who needs punctuation when the place has a face?
Maybe some nu-punk song lyrics.
Maybe some nu-punk song lyrics.
on The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus
28 Jul 2004, 12:10 AM
Also, I love the title.
on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
28 Jul 2004, 12:08 AM
"Putty" doesn't need capitalization. Love "tank tops and yoga pants." Also, try it without the ellipese after the "Now"s.
on The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus
28 Jul 2004, 12:06 AM
Intriguing and yessir, I like it. Kind of ambivalent about "you lost me at 'c'" - reminds me of Jerry Maguire unfortunately..."You had me at 'hello'"... Lose the 2 commas, the rest is gravy. 8.
on Johnny Depp by Rilke4ClosetLesbians
8 Jul 2004, 10:22 PM
Johnny can 21 jump street me anytime. nice.
replying on Working at the Garden Market by jessicazee
5 May 2004, 6:27 PM
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. This new job is so weird. Today I stocked all the new lawn gnomes.
BTW, any suggestions for titles?
BTW, any suggestions for titles?
on The road to melancholy by INTRANSIT
30 Apr 2004, 8:10 PM
Third stanza doesn't need to be there in my opinion. Love it anyway.
replying on Severed Arm by jessicazee
13 Apr 2004, 1:48 PM
thanks for the comments, guys!
on Beah Richards by Jeremi B. Handrinos
22 Mar 2004, 12:04 PM
This is great - the 1st stanza has a little cliche-y sound to it with "moved mountains" and "great white hunter"...maybe use proper names of mountain..."moved an Everest" or something. Oh I don't know. I still like it. 9
replying on Bar Tale 2.0 by jessicazee
7 Oct 2003, 3:09 PM
That depends on what you consider to be a gangster.
replying on Bar Tale 2.0 by jessicazee
7 Oct 2003, 3:01 PM
This was a story told to me by a guy at the bar I work at. Didn't think I'd catch so much flack. Geez. It's a prose poem. Thanks for looking, though.
on Polyurethane by Fear of Garbage
23 Jul 2003, 3:10 PM
"money, airbag, scrapbook" okay! I likey. Not sure of the "sick/sorry/sad"...seems like the slashes break it weirdly. 9
replying on I'll Just Have a Salad by jessicazee
23 Jul 2003, 3:08 PM
Thai Joes has one I've heard on Monday nights; also that newish place called Mecca, and of course the Y-Not II on E. Lyon.
on Nonentities by scitz
20 Jun 2003, 2:43 AM
2nd line should have 7 for haiku? I heart line 1. 7
replying on Inquire Within by jessicazee
12 May 2003, 1:43 PM
Ranger - I had problems editing at one point & posted a poem without a title - so nothing shows up for two of them. crap! And I think I deleted one of your comments. I am losing it. D'oh.