I completely agree with Cadacus, this is definately the better of the two. What would be fun is to force yourself to follow a different rhyme scheme or poem type just to force your creativity in another way.

Decent work Georgia girl, some of your work reminds me on mine. Feel free to rank some of my poems.

Damnit.. hoping for filth also

I am all about simplicity, but c'mon! Try reaching out from the ordinary rhyme scheme, and try being creative in your use of symbolism, simile, and methaphors! You dont want me to leave a vote.. keep writing, keep posting

Take that same idea, that same general message.. and try and completely rewrite it. Try and make it sound more natural, dont worry so much about your rhyme. I dont think its doing you any justice.

Oh, how we can all say the same thing in so many ways - been there - love it!

If there was a general direction in which the poem was supposed to be flowing, I could not find it. I'd like to see it rewritten in a less drousy state.

"Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little piece of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
Still I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer each day
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know"

Damien Rice - Cannonball

great album I might add!

The one on the bottom of my tongue is always raw or sore the next day because it rubs against my bottom teeth so much.

Fuck.. I like it.. its sweet.. and I like it -9

I'm confused.. there is "I".. and there is the girl.. there is "I" again.. then a writer, low men, a snake, and raccoon.. then back to the girl and another guy, who apparently is a knight.. then back to the damn snake..

I like the idea.. I get images of molecular hitchhikers riding a comet to earth.. then.. I don't know that I like bred, sped, bled, fed.. and.. in saying, "All the children know the ancient honored bus", are you saying that everyone has their own explanation for why we are here? Anyways, I think the last 3 are the strongest.. -7

Those cheeks never miss a cue... I like that... sounds more natural without 'the' before fear. - 5

8 - I likes...

Do you have any music or chords worked out for this? I put some chords to it.. and it doesnt sound bad.. - 7

Can someone please explain to me why this is good?

If the haiku form limits the story... what about 4 of them?

fuckin' great if you ask me!

0 - For your spree of 0's on my behalf!