on Notes toward a possible poem by Nicholas Jones
5 Feb 2004, 8:53 AM
last 4 lines are hard to read, the rest is fine. Certainly a classier poem about poetry.
on A Different Point Of View by Billy Biff-Chin
5 Feb 2004, 8:55 AM
The best part of this is when I misread heart as beast
'[after I put] my beast into you'
'[after I put] my beast into you'
on A Panglossian Farmer by richa
5 Feb 2004, 9:20 AM
Other - because it is more a sketch than a poem
on Lisa's Song by horus8
12 Feb 2004, 7:57 AM
Apart from verses 4 and 6 which are a little lighweight, this really packs a lot of stuff into its lines.
on Gardener by lastobelus
5 Feb 2004, 11:37 PM
Verse 2 is very sweet, could be a poem in itself that image.
on A Cacodemon's Sermon [Revised Edition] by Y2kSlamPoet
12 Feb 2004, 7:53 AM
A little long, and the end almost collapses into politikspeak. Good through - the first verse is my favourite.
on some deleted poem
10 Feb 2004, 12:45 PM
If you were to get rid of the last line the 'burn as deeply' would have to be more precise so as to indicate the fire as destructive.
on i need a title by That One
12 Feb 2004, 8:18 AM
Third line get rid of just
Spell realitye correctly
And try and make the final four lines make sense.
In terms of a title - find a theme in the poem, or write a startling image. That could be used as the title.
Spell realitye correctly
And try and make the final four lines make sense.
In terms of a title - find a theme in the poem, or write a startling image. That could be used as the title.
on Sweet Goodbye by ashley
12 Feb 2004, 8:24 AM
Too many pop cliches
- to you... you do
- crazy in love -
- love is real -
- laidback style - so naff it would appear in a blue song.
- to you... you do
- crazy in love -
- love is real -
- laidback style - so naff it would appear in a blue song.
on Nowhere but now by phbiscuit
12 Feb 2004, 11:37 AM
Good, short lines are always difficult as the break should serve a purpose.
on you're so romantic by plinkyponk
13 Feb 2004, 9:24 AM
And this is why there is no respected anthology for schizophrenic poetry.
The free association.
The free association.
on some deleted poem
13 Feb 2004, 9:29 AM
You go from bar to battle to monster in three lines. Try and develop your figures of speech. Otherwise they may as well just be randomly generated on some orwellian versificator.
on some deleted poem
13 Feb 2004, 9:32 AM
This one needs more bite (an active voice?). Your writing is always enjoyable though
on some deleted poem
15 Feb 2004, 3:11 PM
Seriously, sort out the spelling.
Don't really see the stretched out legs (not in this context.
Some nice wordplay though - some/others/all
Don't really see the stretched out legs (not in this context.
Some nice wordplay though - some/others/all
on Freud suggested that I commit murder. by DreamerSupreme
17 Feb 2004, 7:19 AM
Good,
There is a tendency to be a bit self-absorbed in some of your poems but this one steers well clear and is the better for it.
'this crazy brain of mine' is a bit look at me I'm crazy though. And jung? I wasn't aware he was obsessed with sex in the same way freud was.
There is a tendency to be a bit self-absorbed in some of your poems but this one steers well clear and is the better for it.
'this crazy brain of mine' is a bit look at me I'm crazy though. And jung? I wasn't aware he was obsessed with sex in the same way freud was.
on some deleted poem
17 Feb 2004, 7:21 AM
Sometimes fireworks go off in my bed. Teach me for leaving the windows open at divali.
Anyway I think this is better than some of your others. Not so many daft metaphors.
Anyway I think this is better than some of your others. Not so many daft metaphors.
on some deleted poem
17 Feb 2004, 7:25 AM
I understand this fine, but the last few lines of verse 1 are technically speaking not entirely grammatical.
Also why does the yearning (kind of vague) you hear have to echo?
Good though.
Also why does the yearning (kind of vague) you hear have to echo?
Good though.
on The daisy-chain girl by richa
17 Feb 2004, 1:41 PM
Put an extra verse as the poem did not state the girl was making daisy chains on the grass, still.
'we are not in ancient rome' 'with chains and feet'? (two roman measures).
'we are not in ancient rome' 'with chains and feet'? (two roman measures).
on My heart had a war...no body won by sonawrote
17 Feb 2004, 1:52 PM
Should be reclassified a pimple for the line 'couldn't get your naked bod/ out of my mind'
Had me rolling around.
Had me rolling around.
on The Angry Bush by wilco
19 Feb 2004, 7:12 AM
Quite cute. The last verse goes backwards though. I thought trouble was brewing. Then you tell us you are going to cut off ties - doesn't really follow.