on some deleted poem
31 Dec 2003, 12:27 PM
you will have to find some to vocalise about your
tie(s).
tie(s).
on The Waning Spring by tuthaliash
31 Dec 2003, 12:32 PM
very sweet, lots of heart.
on Drag me Down, Deadweight by phbiscuit
31 Dec 2003, 12:36 PM
Not sure where the walking comes from in the last line, or the cold for that matter (you said earlier the water was warmer where you were together- a rather sweet line).
Also I find such fantasies both overdone and to a certain extent melodramatic.
Other than that this is really good.
Also I find such fantasies both overdone and to a certain extent melodramatic.
Other than that this is really good.
on Let's Play by jasondingus
31 Dec 2003, 12:40 PM
Kind of literate, but you may just bore your conquest to sleep with lines like :'Lift my shirt, above my head,Let it fall, beside the bed, Flesh on flesh, we shall be, I need you to, ravage me,'
It lacks a certain passion don't you think.
It lacks a certain passion don't you think.
on some deleted poem
31 Dec 2003, 12:44 PM
Like the first verse sounds, second verse follows on quite awkwardly and then 3 and 4. This is where the image and versatility of language is best. This is the poem at its most creative I think.
on Emotions and the night by Evening
31 Dec 2003, 12:54 PM
the night smells spicy and sweet????
Other than that a well ordered poem and a killer last line.
Other than that a well ordered poem and a killer last line.
on I don't know why I love Def Lepard For Settle by horus8
31 Dec 2003, 2:19 PM
'the drummer from def leopard has only one arm'?
Thats nothing, the guy who produces their records is a dog!
Thats nothing, the guy who produces their records is a dog!
on metaphorically speaking by somemorepoetry
2 Jan 2004, 12:51 PM
Starts and ends with a nice clear voice, but gets a bit confusing in the middle
on The Fire of My Mind by RubyDragonKnight
2 Jan 2004, 12:52 PM
Beta-blockers better still.
on Snowboarding, Sierra Nevada, 12/31/03 by Plaidypus
2 Jan 2004, 12:53 PM
Well written, a bit of the 'science' sounds too much like pop cosmology though.
on O Death by lastobelus
2 Jan 2004, 12:43 PM
The parenthesesed part is pointless.
And the poem is kind of messy. Other than that very good.
And the poem is kind of messy. Other than that very good.
on Haikus for Nentwined by horus8
3 Jan 2004, 10:16 AM
and tis the year of the monkey
on A stitch by EAger to Offend
2 Jan 2004, 12:55 PM
What about the opioids that null extreme pains when the pain is no longer adaptive?
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2004, 12:59 PM
Rap was the first thing I thought. If you dont want it to be rap, slow it down some, use some longer lines etc.
Bloodline, is more to do with heredity than the body I think, but I applaud the rhyming of non-common usage words.
Bloodline, is more to do with heredity than the body I think, but I applaud the rhyming of non-common usage words.
on some deleted poem
2 Jan 2004, 1:49 PM
Not going to be an arse and post this again.
Just to say the newq title is to be 'the lime walls' the other title was too political, and the poem too trite to explain a political problem.
I've deleted my comment replies too, as I was being dragged into it myself.
Just to say the newq title is to be 'the lime walls' the other title was too political, and the poem too trite to explain a political problem.
I've deleted my comment replies too, as I was being dragged into it myself.
Like the line breaks, very well crafted.
Just a thought, I guess a fun poem like this would benefit from some louder rhymes, like a roger mcgough's childrens poem.