Good, like the first verse especially. Sounds right, metaphor carried through.

Don't really understand the final line though.

No particularly good lines, but the experimentation with style is interesting, and almost comes off.

The rhythm of the the first verse I like.

The other verses are too predictable however and the rhyme cower with power is absurdly forced.

Don't know much about ghazals, think there is something about repetition you may have missed though.

This is good,

I have a small problem with 'didn't need to unlock these chains' which sounds a bit corny and 'vengeance passivity' which sounds babble.

'About how you've worked for your
glorified bona'

-9-

I think what this poeme needs is some arbitrary line breaks. If I may:-


She talks quietly with
the elderly couple,
seeming healthy except

for her rubberized hands:
Small bendable fingers,
look alikes,

no fancy prosthetics,
stainless hooks, or
muscle triggers.

It took both of her hands
to manouevre, the fork
just to pick

a single beet slice.
I paid my bill
and walked outside

to a father
teaching his son
how to skip stones
across the pond.

The trick of the dandelion clock:
To disperse in the wind, grey seeds
to interchange
like girls, plain as a sugar's beet,
that dance,

a####
#p###
##p##
###l##
####e#
#####s

each hiding a Newton.