on A Cacodemon's Sermon [Revised Edition] by Y2kSlamPoet
12 Feb 2004, 7:53 AM
A little long, and the end almost collapses into politikspeak. Good through - the first verse is my favourite.
replying on Lifes work by richa
10 Feb 2004, 11:32 AM
No need to be so reticent.
I did not really notice the repetition. If I find anything more major to edit, the re-edited version will use 'once more' in the sixth line.
I did not really notice the repetition. If I find anything more major to edit, the re-edited version will use 'once more' in the sixth line.
on Gardener by lastobelus
5 Feb 2004, 11:37 PM
Verse 2 is very sweet, could be a poem in itself that image.
on A Panglossian Farmer by richa
5 Feb 2004, 9:20 AM
Other - because it is more a sketch than a poem
replying on A Different Point Of View by Billy Biff-Chin
5 Feb 2004, 8:56 AM
And shame on you Fraser (if that is not you real name) for mocking a 13year old.
on A Different Point Of View by Billy Biff-Chin
5 Feb 2004, 8:55 AM
The best part of this is when I misread heart as beast
'[after I put] my beast into you'
'[after I put] my beast into you'
on Notes toward a possible poem by Nicholas Jones
5 Feb 2004, 8:53 AM
last 4 lines are hard to read, the rest is fine. Certainly a classier poem about poetry.
on Soft Beak; Hard lotion by Bachus
5 Feb 2004, 8:48 AM
Plenty of stuff to grab the attention.
I would say however that many defenceless animals are very ugly and make unpleasant sounds, why weren't they mentioned?
I would say however that many defenceless animals are very ugly and make unpleasant sounds, why weren't they mentioned?
on Necromancers Song (Incubus Guitar & Buddhist Drums) by SupremeDreamer
5 Feb 2004, 8:44 AM
well written, reads smoothly
replying on bluebells and none by richa
4 Feb 2004, 8:38 AM
tell me something you don't know.
replying on bluebells and none by richa
3 Feb 2004, 11:36 AM
please -- I know about the tense one
on Nina Simone (part one) by zodiac
2 Feb 2004, 10:24 AM
Cool, especially the ending.
on Friends come and go, but sisters lasts forever. by devina
2 Feb 2004, 10:22 AM
'I can´t explain all of this' no but you could at least try to!
replying on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
2 Feb 2004, 10:18 AM
I take it you did not like my picture of a floating poo then?
on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
2 Feb 2004, 10:01 AM
Crap -0-
Poetry being short relative to prose attempts to make every line count. A reader is more interested in a new image than one used before. So for instance 'fall like rain into the earth' could be more startling 'bury like slate in the earth of my abandoned wonderland'
My second point was critics are quite receptive to when a poet uses words to impress rather than illuminate. Your use of 'fluvial' instead of river is perplexing - why start using scientific labels?
Related to my first and second point is the use of poetic words like forlorn - Such words are used so often in poetry they both lose their meaning and appear to be trying to hard to be poetic rather than to illuminate.
A final point is always try to find an image to represent the abstract - To you the 'depth of my shallow mind' may mean one thing but to others it could mean anything. Readers will get restless and lost if a poem is filled with such things.
This poem overall is rather good though, the flow especially and the use of images to anchor the reader.
Shuushin is a fine critic and he gave you 9.
My second point was critics are quite receptive to when a poet uses words to impress rather than illuminate. Your use of 'fluvial' instead of river is perplexing - why start using scientific labels?
Related to my first and second point is the use of poetic words like forlorn - Such words are used so often in poetry they both lose their meaning and appear to be trying to hard to be poetic rather than to illuminate.
A final point is always try to find an image to represent the abstract - To you the 'depth of my shallow mind' may mean one thing but to others it could mean anything. Readers will get restless and lost if a poem is filled with such things.
This poem overall is rather good though, the flow especially and the use of images to anchor the reader.
Shuushin is a fine critic and he gave you 9.
on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
29 Jan 2004, 8:31 AM
this poem really benefits from the introduction. To me the superstition, almost delusion contrasts really well with the sadness.
replying on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
29 Jan 2004, 8:29 AM
Don't think the note is needed now the poem says 'untouch the metal' the part associated with sex is the part associated with regret.
on The Ballade of Hollis Browne by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
26 Jan 2004, 2:31 PM
All the mathematics and crude jokes in the world will never make you bob dylan.
I suggest you take your place in the commoners roome!!!
I suggest you take your place in the commoners roome!!!