on Stand by me by Cougarchic
14 Jan 2004, 10:03 AM
A little too much silliness really. 'My state of mind is a real disgust'???!. I don't care if it does rhyme.
on Dry Beast Night by fevriere
14 Jan 2004, 9:45 AM
Not dead keen on sestinas, this is good though.
A couple of picks. 'salt moisture'? and 'growl for sleep'
A couple of picks. 'salt moisture'? and 'growl for sleep'
on The woods house by zodiac
14 Jan 2004, 9:42 AM
A nice wandering story, grandmaster Dark angel may correct me on this but I think the line breaks are a bit off.
Like the ending, probably the poems best line.
Like the ending, probably the poems best line.
'Hang like blues' doesn't make any sense.
And I know there are those that have to cause fear, that would have us believe there were criminals on every corner. Nevertheless how did these criminals manage to sneek into your poem.
His hands kissed you? must be to do with strumming but..
And I know there are those that have to cause fear, that would have us believe there were criminals on every corner. Nevertheless how did these criminals manage to sneek into your poem.
His hands kissed you? must be to do with strumming but..
on i am probably on my 7th shot of vodka by tralala42001
11 Jan 2004, 12:13 PM
Not bad this, a bit short. Not enough for me to know what you mean by 'comforting touch on my breast' - is it sarcastic? I'm thinking so or do you like strangers? they are a stranger right?
on Malaysia by Crakyamuni
11 Jan 2004, 12:08 PM
A furor like sedative? both words are kind of opposites.
Likewise trust your belly button is daft.
Other than that love the rhythm and rhyme (although to please the purists perhaps it should make more sense in places)
Likewise trust your belly button is daft.
Other than that love the rhythm and rhyme (although to please the purists perhaps it should make more sense in places)
on Da Ghetto by <{Baba^Yaga}>
11 Jan 2004, 12:02 PM
Like it, think the end of verse one should be 'all fuckin illiterut' or 'all fuckin idiots'
Like the sentiment of that line, rings true.
Like the sentiment of that line, rings true.
replying on BreakBeat TimeTravel by nentwined
8 Jan 2004, 3:03 AM
Yes actually, I thought the rest of the line beaks worked well.
Any examination beaks down though when one can not get past the first line.
Any examination beaks down though when one can not get past the first line.
replying on Wicked Corruption by devilishnutcase
8 Jan 2004, 3:01 AM
Not a comment on this poem, but what you describe is not a poem it is the manifestation of smugness. The antithesis of poetry.
on Wicked Corruption by devilishnutcase
7 Jan 2004, 2:46 PM
All aroused? - surely some more creative use of language would better communicate your point.
on BreakBeat TimeTravel by nentwined
7 Jan 2004, 2:40 PM
The first line beak makes no sense to me.
on Black Beach by Caducus
7 Jan 2004, 2:37 PM
Good, couldn't really get into the first verse, but the second is good. The stench rises/buried alive in dead fish stand out particularly.
'The beach is not environmentally friendly' seems a bit awkward though
'The beach is not environmentally friendly' seems a bit awkward though
The first verse is what the wise are not. That the wise are not beautiful (the symmetry) as nature (the action of wind shaping a rock). Neither is being wise dynamic or artistic, (the half formed thought). Nor a greater grasp (agility and mental grasp). Just knowing a little about life and time - a perspective.
The communication breakdown was a theme in the first version. That the young have all the beauty and energy, but the old are in possession of the reason this is important. (like shaws 'youth is wasted on the young' quote).
The images I choose are not part of the plot of the poem but are part of the symbolism of the environment, the mood. Cabbage white is a butterfly specie, and is used to give a mood of peace, innocence, shortness of life.
'the uneven lines of every faked smile' was descriptive of a wise mans face (social intelligence). Faked smiles are less symmetrical because of the dominance of one hemisphere of the brain involved in faking. The line was a kind of play on orwells 'when you are forty you have the face you deserve' the idea that you can see the smile lines and sunk brows from your life.
The communication breakdown was a theme in the first version. That the young have all the beauty and energy, but the old are in possession of the reason this is important. (like shaws 'youth is wasted on the young' quote).
The images I choose are not part of the plot of the poem but are part of the symbolism of the environment, the mood. Cabbage white is a butterfly specie, and is used to give a mood of peace, innocence, shortness of life.
'the uneven lines of every faked smile' was descriptive of a wise mans face (social intelligence). Faked smiles are less symmetrical because of the dominance of one hemisphere of the brain involved in faking. The line was a kind of play on orwells 'when you are forty you have the face you deserve' the idea that you can see the smile lines and sunk brows from your life.
on your wife's pain by peaceseeker
6 Jan 2004, 7:18 AM
Line breaks, well communicated, interesting idea, nice sounds.
on Listen by candaliesa
6 Jan 2004, 5:55 AM
Again and wind is a nice half-rhyme.
A lot of cliches though such as my heart is free (has it been let out of your rib cage?)
Also hearts do not have melodies they have beats.
A lot of cliches though such as my heart is free (has it been let out of your rib cage?)
Also hearts do not have melodies they have beats.
Chinese room - a man is sent into a room not understanding chinese, but nevertheless given a book which helps him transform chinese questions into answers.