on Controlled Euthanasia by Dovina
28 Jan 2007, 1:46 PM
I read the gud one. The only bit I liked was the end when she found him with peanut butter and struggling with a loaf of bread. I'm not sure the poem makes any sense though.
on Molecules of Paint by Dovina
22 Jan 2007, 3:23 PM
If you are looking to edit it I would start by distilling the list of colours and trees into a couple of lines. And don't repeat yourself about the whole paint on a scene palette thing. I don't think the colours of leaves mix either.
on Same old rancour (a yellow stream of consciousness) by ecargo
15 Jan 2007, 2:10 PM
I like pratfallen. To fall on one's buttocks. Very apt.
replying on The dancers by richa
13 Jan 2007, 2:13 PM
Bless you.:)
on Brains for Barter by Dovina
10 Jan 2007, 12:22 PM
The last line is a bit of a let down. It's the right idea but the image needs to be more interesting. The language in the first verse is a bit flakey.
on The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina
17 May 2006, 2:33 PM
'She knew her lifeâs pattern; her ethics were set'. Don't like this. It is just stating the plot. Show don't tell.
on 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy
17 May 2006, 2:29 PM
72 virgins are ace because they are pure and virtuous. In heaven on must forsake any thoughts of sin for they can't be lived out. There are only souls in heaven. No bones. :(
on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus
17 May 2006, 3:12 AM
Like most of it. Slaughter, tombs and grave are a bit overwrought though.
on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus
17 May 2006, 3:10 AM
I believe Canute was demonstrating the limits of kingly power to his subjects.
on Lovely Independence by Sunny
17 Apr 2006, 12:25 PM
The last line is a bit tame. I like the enjambment in the main, my mood/changes especially.
on In Ethelâs Honor by Dovina
17 Apr 2006, 2:36 AM
This is good. There are a couple of parts you lose me though (I don't want an explanation).
'Found somewhere in the trunk
Then watched her while it fell again'
and
'He poked a stick down through
The pot and nailed it to the ground
Then he stood and waited'
'Found somewhere in the trunk
Then watched her while it fell again'
and
'He poked a stick down through
The pot and nailed it to the ground
Then he stood and waited'
on Good old days by amanda_dcosta
16 Apr 2006, 2:35 PM
Decent enough. No need for the last line though. I think we get it by then.
on Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina
21 Mar 2006, 1:06 PM
I know this is true because it happens on ER and Scrubs all the time.
replying on REM Sleep by mystic enoch
21 Mar 2006, 1:05 PM
The bits of information you pick up during the day. The bits that the brain does not devote much processing space to because they are so pointless. That's dreams. What the hell is this unconscious mind you have that talks. Are you possessed.
on A HANGMAN'S MOANING by Dhanesh M Kumar
5 Mar 2006, 1:36 PM
'Alas doing for the sake of bread' is garbled. Something like 'hanging men for the bread on my table' makes more sense.
'The justice perhaps may'- No 'the' perhaps and maybe mean the same thing (in this context) so you should ditch one. 'Justice may have a thousand reasons' would be more obvious.
'to make him stranglehold' should be 'to strangle him' and the man does not surmount the knot. The knot is atop him.
A mind can not realistically be said to be brittle because it is non-material.
'agonized faces many I have seen' should probably be 'I have seen many agonising faces'.
'The justice perhaps may'- No 'the' perhaps and maybe mean the same thing (in this context) so you should ditch one. 'Justice may have a thousand reasons' would be more obvious.
'to make him stranglehold' should be 'to strangle him' and the man does not surmount the knot. The knot is atop him.
A mind can not realistically be said to be brittle because it is non-material.
'agonized faces many I have seen' should probably be 'I have seen many agonising faces'.
replying on =, <>, & . . . by Dovina
4 Mar 2006, 2:28 PM
It is psychology because it measures behaviour.
on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett
27 Feb 2006, 6:44 AM
What is a mulberry binder? I thought binders just held paper.