on snacktime by jesslew
13 Mar 2007, 12:11 PM
Don't like the last line. Like the whimsy of 'bananas are edible smiles' and the idiosyncrasy of 'everyone needs potassium.
on STAN by poetry_rancour
13 Mar 2007, 12:09 PM
I don't get the ending. Looks kind of forced.
on A whole load of cunts by mr cunt
10 Mar 2007, 11:19 AM
Are you and Edna Pete Burns.
on The Laws of Life by lrustagi
2 Mar 2007, 2:28 PM
So many problems here. Some of the apostrophes are plain daft. When has anyone in the deepest recesses of time ever spoken about something being 'ttractive or 'cerbic or something that 'xtends. The poem refuses to yield a sentence that actually means anything. Who the hell is zealous smith? What is the glow of God? Have you seen God glow recently. What is 'crisp the cast, thou walk out cleanse the outer, hence inner stout' all about '[the test of truth]fist it firm an' hold it tight' What!!. And the grammar 'full of flurry an' floral flourish bridle is there in thou hands'. And don't you realise that to close a sentence you need a full stop. -bum-
If I leave aside the frankly mind boggling idea that you left for America in search of sophistication it is not the amount of colour that is the objection rather the weak description. Also you seem to have confused me. I am no more a cockney barrow boy than I am a negro maid.
on Remembering Nick by jessicazee
24 Feb 2007, 2:17 PM
Like this. Lots of interesting lines. Last time we kissed you had more teeth. Jellyfish are so smart.
on Lonely Hearts by Stephen Robins
16 Feb 2007, 2:39 PM
Needs more acronyms.
on Complaints by jessicazee
16 Feb 2007, 2:35 PM
I don't know what cocoa salt stains are. I'd stick with just cocoa stains. I like how you go back to his knee again to communicate its intermittent nature. I presume you have been chided for playing the fool with the shadow hands. 'it was the bear wasn't it?' is interesting. I read it as an innocent attempt to explain why your playful.ness had elicited complaint. It is difficult to get a grip of at first but it does make sense after a few reads.
on Plurals by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
16 Feb 2007, 2:17 PM
Octopodes is my favourite.
on A Cautionary Tale by Tman
12 Feb 2007, 10:16 AM
I don't think it works putting your rhyming words on a seperate line. It makes the poem sound like Father Ted's 'my lovely horse'. Also sleep does not fill one's head.
on self-suffocation by Phalkon
12 Feb 2007, 10:07 AM
and your English teacher just laughed. :(
on Tea,One Night Stands and Smores by Bethy
5 Feb 2007, 3:02 PM
I liked this bit: 'honey, was my need./He handed me sugar,/his number,more tea. That he was called Jeff amused me forced rhyme?
on David at the Firing by coldiron
5 Feb 2007, 2:57 PM
The first verse-- dear God. The embdashes from then on are utterly misused (the one after shaping is ok at a push). The ending is too abrupt. Having said that I like the idea that they put his ashes in a pot he was shaping because he died at a potter's wheel. I would go for more descriptive language for how the pot is being raised.
on Stream of Consciousness (#2) by MacFrantic
29 Jan 2007, 1:17 PM
If this is your stream of consciousness you must think hella slow.
on Solving Freud's Conflict (not a weather poem) by nypoet22
29 Jan 2007, 1:04 PM
Cute.
on Alternatives by Dovina
29 Jan 2007, 1:01 PM
Who do we admit defeat to. The other side resembles the volcano God. We placate it by being sufficiently beastly to the Jewish people and crossing our fingers that it will not erupt. We can't actually talk to it. And what is this technology? Is it a humane way of wasting people? The free range chicken method of genocide. We can only hope.