replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 5:31 PM
Canadian? fair enough
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 5:16 PM
ok, unless you are actually from the UK you just lost cool points for gratuitous use of the letter U :P
and i'm looking for a word that implies washed-out, used up
and i'm looking for a word that implies washed-out, used up
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 5:02 PM
hmmm, i'm thinking of changing line 8 to:
with effete colors standing out so lonely.
thoughts?
with effete colors standing out so lonely.
thoughts?
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 4:57 PM
added a second line for 6
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 4:54 PM
excellent feedback, thanks
i agree with 6&8 but have no quick solutions at the moment
made many of the changes you suggested for 23&24 but "these" stays
fixed "heard" (definitely made this tighter, thanks again)
courtesy should stay i think
i agree with 6&8 but have no quick solutions at the moment
made many of the changes you suggested for 23&24 but "these" stays
fixed "heard" (definitely made this tighter, thanks again)
courtesy should stay i think
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 4:50 PM
beloved it is, thank you so much for the excellent feedback
this is the best interaction i've had anywhere online
this is the best interaction i've had anywhere online
replying on Pine by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 3:10 PM
yeah, i completely agree
i just haven't had the heart to take the shears to it yet
care to point out the bits that shouldn't get cut?
i just haven't had the heart to take the shears to it yet
care to point out the bits that shouldn't get cut?
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 3:08 PM
oh, how about "fulsome"? that still has the general gist of what i'm trying to imply...
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 3:03 PM
heh, just as long as you don't say "saccharine"
i personally don't go for any of those, but thanks
also, i could change it from "shining" to "shines" and that would complete the clause...
i personally don't go for any of those, but thanks
also, i could change it from "shining" to "shines" and that would complete the clause...
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 2:52 PM
well, i'm no fan of overused and cliché words either
but sometimes on the rare occasion they fit
still, i'm open to suggestions, got any?
also, do you think the un-ended clause works?
but sometimes on the rare occasion they fit
still, i'm open to suggestions, got any?
also, do you think the un-ended clause works?
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 2:50 PM
and by that you mean...?
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 2:44 PM
wow, good critique (i really don't mind and i appreciate the in-depth commenting)
i agree with dropping "and" and "The", nice catch
i did mean for the passage to not form a clause but i'm still debating if it works
i think if people keep getting hung up it may be a problem
i'm not sold on taking out "sweet"
there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed
i agree with dropping "and" and "The", nice catch
i did mean for the passage to not form a clause but i'm still debating if it works
i think if people keep getting hung up it may be a problem
i'm not sold on taking out "sweet"
there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed
on Cupid promised me, Nadine by Shardik
10 Jan 2004, 10:13 PM
not a sonnet, sorry
on Air sickness bag by Shardik
10 Jan 2004, 10:06 PM
cute
on Liberty bells & Disney Land by horus8
10 Jan 2004, 10:05 PM
hmmm, solid concrete
not sure what you are trying to say though
still, it's good in what it is
not sure what you are trying to say though
still, it's good in what it is
on The canary's last song by <{Baba^Yaga}>
30 May 2003, 2:16 PM
i would give a higher rank, but it doesn't follow 5-7-5 syllable restriction
but the content is very cool
but the content is very cool
on A Sonnet For Santa Claus, Who Hates Jesus, But Likes When You Buy Things by snacktime
5 May 2003, 10:37 AM
pretty interesting poem, structurally sound, but i think your iambic meter could use a little work
i liked it, but it does feel a bit preachy (but maybe that's what you were going for?)
i liked it, but it does feel a bit preachy (but maybe that's what you were going for?)
on While flipping over stones by <{Baba^Yaga}>
5 May 2003, 10:35 AM
your content and ryhme are excellent, and your meter over all is iambic, but you miss the "pentameter" part of the english sonnet form
basically every line should have 10 syllables
otherwise, good work!
basically every line should have 10 syllables
otherwise, good work!
on THE MISSING HEART by Prince of Void
5 May 2003, 10:32 AM
this is not a sonnet, you should look up the structure...
sonnets are strictly iambic pentameter, you can deviate a little, but not that much
you also follow a strict ryhme scheme depending on the type
english sonnet for instance is: abab cdcd efef gg
that last couplet (gg) should answer the previous stanzas somehow
sonnets are strictly iambic pentameter, you can deviate a little, but not that much
you also follow a strict ryhme scheme depending on the type
english sonnet for instance is: abab cdcd efef gg
that last couplet (gg) should answer the previous stanzas somehow
on News Values (some time last November) by Nicholas Jones
5 May 2003, 10:29 AM
very well structured, very nice iambic and ryhme
i would suggest working on the couplet at the end... it feels a little stilted
i would suggest working on the couplet at the end... it feels a little stilted