on some deleted poem
24 May 2005, 6:58 PM
rambles on too long.
"master's molten steel whip" or "masters' molten steel whips"
though I can't really picture a whip of molten steel being very effective
I like what you're doing, but think it needs some grinding. Needs some sharper edges, maybe a bit more beat...
(forgive:
Nine to fiver, slammer, anvil-man!
Anvil-man that waits, still,
for the master's molten whip
and the blows of an ever-climbing load
of work;
Hold fast your shape as he wails the world
and clank your affirmation
as you have done since birth by casting. ))
The second works fairly well as it stands, perhaps.
Though, then, together, I don't get the cohesion of the piece. Why is the mill talking to the anvil? I'm only getting "You exist! I exist!", and I want something more from the exchange...
though I can't really picture a whip of molten steel being very effective
I like what you're doing, but think it needs some grinding. Needs some sharper edges, maybe a bit more beat...
(forgive:
Nine to fiver, slammer, anvil-man!
Anvil-man that waits, still,
for the master's molten whip
and the blows of an ever-climbing load
of work;
Hold fast your shape as he wails the world
and clank your affirmation
as you have done since birth by casting. ))
The second works fairly well as it stands, perhaps.
Though, then, together, I don't get the cohesion of the piece. Why is the mill talking to the anvil? I'm only getting "You exist! I exist!", and I want something more from the exchange...
on "I know what you need!" by A. Nomaly
24 May 2005, 7:07 PM
Umm. Haiku in spirit, esque, but. Hmm.
No, but I like it. I'd appreciate it a lot more if you'd gotten it into 5-7-5.
No, but I like it. I'd appreciate it a lot more if you'd gotten it into 5-7-5.
on between you and me there is nothing by silvertongueddevil
24 May 2005, 7:08 PM
I don't get the "fragile oyster flesh". Beyond that, I think this does what it's attempting rather well.
on some deleted poem
24 May 2005, 7:10 PM
its' -> its. It breaks the "rules", of course. ;)
really not following this, though.
really not following this, though.
on Drinking and driving by SILYLILGURL
24 May 2005, 7:12 PM
The onomotopeaia of the first line doesn't really work for me. Beyond that, this reads as the outline of a poem that covers tired ground, but could say it in an interesting manner.
on soul searching by fair12
24 May 2005, 7:13 PM
pretty, but just sort of glides past.
on some deleted poem
30 Aug 2005, 1:01 AM
points for odd, and short.
reminds me of twisp and catsby.
reminds me of twisp and catsby.
on Letters to Silence by MacFrantic
30 Aug 2005, 1:02 AM
I think I'm too tired. I kind of like this. I might even be able to understand it.
I really think I shouldn't be able to understand it.
I really think I shouldn't be able to understand it.
on Present, tense by INTRANSIT
30 Aug 2005, 12:52 AM
hm.
why the apostrophe on its?
I'm seeing this as a puzzle, but I don't see the first bit of string to unravel.
I need something more to make it tense, and I'd rather it actually be in present tense.
Or I'm missing the cosmic joke, which would not be that unusual...
why the apostrophe on its?
I'm seeing this as a puzzle, but I don't see the first bit of string to unravel.
I need something more to make it tense, and I'd rather it actually be in present tense.
Or I'm missing the cosmic joke, which would not be that unusual...
on some deleted poem
11 Sep 2005, 9:05 PM
The rhyming implies a "standard english composition" sort of poem, but the lines don't follow any sort of rhythm; it's a very jarring read.
What sort of sane are there besides those 'mentally' sane?
week -> weak.
"dive" feels like you were really struggling on an end rhyme.
Meanwhile, poems that try to do AABB are generally far less appreciated than others--they're a much harder form to pull off with any sort of respectable poem than something that's a bit freer.
What sort of sane are there besides those 'mentally' sane?
week -> weak.
"dive" feels like you were really struggling on an end rhyme.
Meanwhile, poems that try to do AABB are generally far less appreciated than others--they're a much harder form to pull off with any sort of respectable poem than something that's a bit freer.
on This rage by Heather Dee
11 Sep 2005, 9:08 PM
threw -> through
why a comma in "free, of"?
I wish I had some constructive suggestions for you, but I'm coming off a caffeine jag.
It gets better in time, but I don't know how.
I'm just not finding a flow, the words come across as melodramatic and not quite connected, and the situation is a bit too... generalized for me to feel any connection.
why a comma in "free, of"?
I wish I had some constructive suggestions for you, but I'm coming off a caffeine jag.
It gets better in time, but I don't know how.
I'm just not finding a flow, the words come across as melodramatic and not quite connected, and the situation is a bit too... generalized for me to feel any connection.
on War (edit) by zodiac
13 Dec 2005, 4:53 PM
very odd.
on Oh Merry Fay (part 1) by ALChemy
13 Dec 2005, 4:49 PM
cute jabberwock, but didn't hold me.
on The Legend of the Crow by TLRufener
13 Dec 2005, 4:50 PM
Reads like a tortured synopsis.
on Bri's Room (not done) by Sunshine Conkey
13 Dec 2005, 4:56 PM
first two stanzas are cute. third really breaks the flow in an unpleasant way.
on You Have It Backwards by LilMsLadyPoet
13 Dec 2005, 4:37 PM
boring.
on CHRISTMAS EVERYDAY by amanda_dcosta
13 Dec 2005, 4:44 PM
Definite points for saying "I need You, Baby" to Jesus. And you got a nice cadence going. Message is a bit plain and word choice seems forced, but still. "I need You, Baby".
on some deleted poem
13 Dec 2005, 4:57 PM
I like the individual images, but they're too disjoint for me. There's supposed to be a contrast that creates a larger whole, but here it's more of three little hops that leave confused ripples in muddy water.