I like s4.

death, love, pain, and loss--
these are the thoughts in my mind
while in the office

I get the overwhelmed but not much else. Guesses, but they're pretty random.

is there anything in particular you're trying to convey with this?

go clock go. :)

It's a thing that you do with your face, when both corners of your mouth are upturned and the middle of your mouth is relatively relaxed. Sort of. Maybe.

I think the second It's should be spelled out, for rhythmic purposes.

Unless you're shouting it, then it's all clean in the wash.

You did an amazing job or horrible rhymes and nailing the (limited) point through the coffin well into the opposite end of the world.

It seems like you're mind's pretty organized if it can hammer on that one point 10 rhyming lines. Or is it just that you'd forgotten you'd written the previous two each time?

Just beautiful.

rough around 'and bewildered'

I like how it starts off, and I like the twistmessage you have to give, but the middle-to-end don't wrap it properly for me.

nice. I'm a big fan of (things).

reads like a dream that you awake to, which I think is what you wanted. which is nice.

I'm still asleep, so my thoughts may be misguided.

Though anything can be endlessly argued to death, spelling things properly really helps in my world. Beyond that--the strange rhyme you have going on grates a bit on my ears, and the rhythm is very odd (perhaps Dovina would use the word 'chunky'). There's a lot that goes on in a poem, some of it intentional, some of it "just the way it is", and that all has to be weighed. You might try exploring the senses a bit more than you have them here--help us feel your cry, your fear, show us what is haunting you, whisper the love so we can feel its timbre. What colors, sights, sounds, smells are there?

These are just my thoughts, of course.

You know, I actually really like this, and I haven't a fucking clue why.

I hate you. :)

I think the first para is all you need for this--the rest detracts. Perhaps the rest could be reworked to build on the beginning differently than it currently tries to. not sure.

good pain here. I find "what can be wrong with this" inappropriately awkward, the rest just about perfect.

I have to say that's fairly well done. Found it by way of shuushin's favorites list. :) the hoop-swallowing-hoop (that I'm not sure you meant, but it's one (subtle?) interpretation) is running my mind in circles.

I'm afraid you've completely lost me with this one, to the point that just about the only bit of criticism I can make byond that is I'm fairly sure the first "to" on your last line is intended to be a "too".

Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.

lamplight's glow ;)

definitely a lot of interesting imagery here, though you've lost me with what's going on. someone suggests murder, and I suppose I could see that--but not enough. "black dog" makes me think (of a friend, firstly, but after that) maybe--a hit and run... or a car crash (oil slick, and chasing shadows). Well, the words give me a car crash, the dog makes me think hit and run. Can you tell I'm really, really lost?

I'd like a few more crumbs of detail to piece the puzzle together.

:HEH: very cute. :)

cute. verging on limerick. seems more like a DA poem, minus the aids, prawns, and feces.