on Mountain Fever by Celticai
14 Oct 2008, 7:12 PM
As someone else wrote on one of your poems--"get out of my head!" Feels very much like something I would have written ten years ago (though I never really went for staircases).
That said, I find a lot of your words redundant (and in such a way as to render their compatriots less powerful). And the piece as a whole is missing some novelty, flow, or something to set it apart from a multitude of poems like it. Perhaps you can make it more personal?
That said, I find a lot of your words redundant (and in such a way as to render their compatriots less powerful). And the piece as a whole is missing some novelty, flow, or something to set it apart from a multitude of poems like it. Perhaps you can make it more personal?
on The United Face of Totally Grody by Shardik
2 Jul 2008, 2:38 AM
ow. I couldn't read it. great job of "what the hell".
on We can all be free with our legs by daggatolar
2 Jul 2008, 2:37 AM
strange. but I still don't know if I want you to go around with your legs open. what happened to good old crawling around with nothing but your arms as motive force?
on Purple Reign of Blood by Kamikaze
2 Jul 2008, 2:40 AM
definitely something many folks have envisioned with glee. the rhymes are blatantly forced (with pseudo-poetic grammatical restructuring and all that goodness) ... good for a quick chuckle?
on The folded ways your eyes cave by Shardik
27 Jun 2008, 7:22 PM
Villanelles have definitely made me feel this way. Firefox doesn't know what a villanelle is. But it doesn't know what Firefox is, either, unless I capitalize it. I feel ... guided. 6 for fun.
on Why I want to kill Opie by Bachus
27 Jun 2008, 7:23 PM
meh.
on The Fog And The Androids by Shardik
27 Jun 2008, 7:24 PM
definitely lyric; and kind of fun. but not really interesting. I can imagine this set to music, though, and people singing along.
on If you pimp me I'll stay Walter by Shardik
27 Jun 2008, 7:25 PM
ex-fix-i-ate pwnage.
oh, shardik.
oh, shardik.
on Da Ghetto by <{Baba^Yaga}>
27 Jun 2008, 7:29 PM
ouch.
on There can be only one by Shardik
2 Jul 2008, 2:36 AM
definitely has something (situational plot). If you could inject a little more context and a little less highlander...
on Falling Away by Holy Sinner
27 Jun 2008, 6:55 PM
it's -> its
two-by-fours (I think)
...
typical drifting away poem. some nice imagery--the poem could benefit by focusing on that and making it more coherent.
two-by-fours (I think)
...
typical drifting away poem. some nice imagery--the poem could benefit by focusing on that and making it more coherent.
on The Lion and the worm. by <{Baba^Yaga}>
27 Jun 2008, 7:28 PM
...
strange. yes, strange.
strange. yes, strange.
on Under a better bed wetter by Shardik
2 Jul 2008, 2:35 AM
hilarious, but doesn't really do it for me as a poem. goes on a bit much, and while you get kudos on "lugubriously", ... eh. thanks for the cheer anyway :)
I know you weren't going for "quality", but there's room for art in it anyway. Though one man's art is another's bed wetting, sure...
I know you weren't going for "quality", but there's room for art in it anyway. Though one man's art is another's bed wetting, sure...
on The Man Who Drooped by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
26 Jun 2008, 8:51 PM
classic.
on panpragmalogoethospathos by malpaso
27 Feb 2009, 5:52 AM
interesting. there's chunks and cake and nugget here. but kind of disheartening to pick them out of the puke. refine?
on My love is drowning in PCP by T. Jonathron Remp
27 Feb 2009, 5:53 AM
I like "shine spasm". The rest doesn't work so much for me.
on Bacchus and the Ivy by <{Baba^Yaga}>
27 Feb 2009, 5:56 AM
"and why it might"?
Has a good lyric sense to it, but it feels like too much nonsense, too. A touch of bob dylan, a touch of the beatles, and other things I recognize but can't name--but I think more it winds up just "touched".
Then again, 6am, I might be reading too much or too little...
In the end, I enjoyed it, and that's always a plus.
Has a good lyric sense to it, but it feels like too much nonsense, too. A touch of bob dylan, a touch of the beatles, and other things I recognize but can't name--but I think more it winds up just "touched".
Then again, 6am, I might be reading too much or too little...
In the end, I enjoyed it, and that's always a plus.
The flow feels more like you're trying to find the poem (which is how I tend to write, myself, so maybe I'm reading too much into that). As it stands, I find it too clunky. But lots of promise.