| Re: Alone by roses are read |
5-Apr-02/5:27 PM |
I like the cage/ribs imagery, but the rhythm there throws me off.
I also don't really get what you're trying to show me... you're alone... but... I don't feel it. I have a vague sense that you've been to the beach... maybe you saw other people that were alone there, maybe you saw other people that weren't... but I really don't feel anything. Tell us more?
|
|
|
 |
| Re: Cashmere by Tekara |
19-Mar-02/2:18 PM |
|
the first bit reminds me of metallica; I get the impression, by the end of the poem, that you were sick of either writing or revising it. The further along it gets, the choppier it is. And I don't get the business with fame/history/society.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Lachrymalia by Lain |
19-Mar-02/2:06 PM |
|
just had to reiterate that I love the flow of this poem -- very lyric, I can see it working for slow and sweet to hard and heavy, or just about anything inbetween (other than 80's silliness, I think).
|
|
|
|
| Re: brown is the eat feminine deoderant gross and stuff mmm styrofoam right? by skaskowski |
19-Mar-02/12:32 PM |
|
this is just kinda lame. not sure what you were trying for, but I'd guess you were trying for lame. so with that, kudos, but...?
|
|
|
|
| Re: My Sun by T. Becquerel |
17-Mar-02/2:33 PM |
|
I'm not quite sure I get this. You're personifying the action of fusion?
|
|
|
|
| Re: -untitled- by althea7 |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
climacteric works perfectly syllabically, but I don't recognize it as a word other than as a derivative of climactic, which throws off a bit; (and your my pill should be you're my pill). very nice, though. =)
|
|
|
|
| Re: Have you ever heard of William Carlost Williams 24 by notule |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
hmmmmmmmmmmmm. I like the respelled phonetics. I don't really get the poem. Color me stupid.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Impatience always backfires 913 by notule |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
are these really tonkas? the rhythms seem off. On a modem temporarily which is making me reluctant to look things up. :) I like more flow in the stuff I read, don't really understand what you're doing. Agree with hat you're saying here, at least.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Ask Dr 2 by notule |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
whoohoo Odeon! =) Hmm. Sorry about the italics not working. poems aren't HTML enabled. oddly interesting poem though it really reads like prose to me. la.
|
|
|
|
| Re: skeletons by tat2dangel |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
the last lines stumbles for me. maybe if you lead into it after cried with "..." and put a comma after "out for you"? I like "made a mess on the bathroom floor". I'm not too into the disease metaphor at the beginning, and ... "the victor is the one who reigns", as a tautology, sesms a bit out of place.
|
|
|
|
| Re: fashion sense by crin |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
second line jumps the rhythm on a rocky path which isn't picked up elsewhere, or rather -- I spent most of the poem trying to find the groove and not getting one. I like the sentiments of the poem greatly. :)
|
|
|
|
| Re: pull by skaskowski |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
the copying seems a bit forced... maybe you could play with it alittle more? Maybe I should go to sleep. My comments are becoming less than useful. :)
|
|
|
|
| Re: My Tongue ..... and God by BadPoet |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
=) Whoohoo bad poetry! ;)
|
|
|
|
| Re: How Strange by T. Becquerel |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
huh. innnnnnnnnnnnteresting.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Too Late by ObiWonKn |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
"she said ... till it was too late" stumbles, and I'm not sure what you're saying. I presume the person died, but I've no clue the relation or really what that meant except perhaps abandonment...
|
|
|
|
| Re: Toes by BadPoet |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
"and beside/That your show" I think would work better as "and beside that/your shoe"; The break between by and themselves doesn't scan well. All in all, I have to say I love this poem. :)
|
|
|
|
| Re: Dancing with the Dandelions by Piano |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
the last line seems offrhythm, but I like the rest a lot.
|
|
|
|
| Re: High Speed College Life by Modulo |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
amen, brother, a-fuckin-men.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Fascination by ObiWonKn |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
reminds me of a scene in The World According to Garp, sorta. :)
|
|
|
|
| Re: Colloid by skaskowski |
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM |
|
|
|
