Re: Ghost in My Swimming Pool by ObiWonKn	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
very pretty
Re: Cashmere by Tekara	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
again, rhythm: "they promised me life" could be shortened to "they promised life". "Like the rowan" could drop the "the". I like it, though. :)
Re: Avian Child by Tekara	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
"to [the?] ground"; "so high in my dreams" throws off a syllable... the next line, too, so I guess it's okay, but it reads awkwardly to me. "Never with an avian mate" doesn't have the power I think you're looking for. Overall, I like the poem.
Re: ever always: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
don't grok.
Re: will you? by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
I think in the second to last line you're jumping objects? [I] hold the universe out to you [the you of all previous lines] and it jars a bit. perhaps you could make it more explicit? or perhaps I'm misreading -- if so, I really can't read that line. It's very sweet, regardless, though not my thing.
Re: Do Not Pay Taxes To Feed Those Layabout Scum by ruella	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ?
Re: she is... by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
very cool =)
Re: i will bare it: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
interesting. dark. cool. :)
Re: unsalvaged by skaskowski	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
I don't get the "But" in "But my hands are still wet". other than that, I like the rhythm, and the rhyme doesn't hurt it (I think). Cool. :)
Re: melancholy: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
pretty
Re: love your mother: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
pleasant and I can make sense of it without difficulty (I think)! =) The last three words seem out of place, though -- plodding is tired, unhappy work. if you're trying to mix that in with the appreciation of the earth, I think maybe more could be shown...
Re: endless eternity: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
the title is a strike against -- redundant. I can't find the rhythm or flow of the piece, but the images are beautiful and I feel I've got the feel of the whole. ... :)
Re: to thine own self be true: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
I can't piece this together. :(
Re: rock me to sleep tonight: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
very pretty. I can hear it sung in a sultry dark voice. :)
Re: mine own battle: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
"forward in sight" reads as "forward incite", and it hurts my mental ear to rip it to the written meaning... I also don't get "sooner state of mind light". The rhyming, and the "smite" don't work for me, and I can't get a cohesive image or statement out of it. :(
Re: savior of humanity: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
a LOT of images, not quite disjoint. I didn't really enjoy reading it because I stumbled all over the place, but I think this would be beautiful chanted outloud by someone with a solid understanding of the poem.
Re: take me back home again: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
again a tumble of images -- I'm not finding a pause for breath, though I'm getting a better understanding. One thing you do is leave of a bunch of articles where I expect them, though there are some there. That makes for some of the stumbling. I'm starting to like it more.
Re: pain of love: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
pleasantly simple, but I feel I need more to fill in the gaps of what's not being said. This stands as two practically separate accusations, ish.
Re: in the eye of the stone dragon: by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
capable stumbles after able ... both by syllable and ... what is the difference twixt cap(able)? Overall, this has a stronger impression on me. Though somehow several lines seem cliche, they all twine together beautifully.
Re: say I! by Sapphire	16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I really can't parse it for rhythm (the thoust and attentions t'will); unsure what small seed renames... the mini book, or ... no, just cna't parse any of it. my eyes jump all over and the slower gears in my head start to crack. :( It seems pretty...