on The Gone-Too-Far Kitchen by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
27 Oct 2003, 11:23 AM
nice and enjoyable, but you couldn't help but throw in a little wit, anyhow.
on comment-ary by nentwined
27 Oct 2003, 11:14 AM
righteous
on Nathan - under the sun by SupremeDreamer
24 Oct 2003, 5:54 PM
Typo in the stanza before last (glimpsed) and peaceful's spelled wrong- unless that was a play on the word full (since his body was emptied of blood). Anyway, I think the rhyme makes this sound like one of your parody pieces, though the words aren't inappropriate or too cliche. You know you can improve this.
on First Time In A Long Time by EAger to Offend
24 Oct 2003, 5:43 PM
Quite witty and well done. Maybe there should be a surgeon general's warning on the packages of guitar strings?
replying on First Snow by http://mulberryfairy
24 Oct 2003, 5:25 PM
Not me, I mourn when it melts in April. When she was 3, my daughter said "Can't we just throw it all in a garbage can and then it will be summer?"
replying on Homecoming by http://mulberryfairy
24 Oct 2003, 5:20 PM
Just let it all out, baby.
replying on Homecoming by http://mulberryfairy
24 Oct 2003, 5:17 PM
Thanks for the feedback and comments. I see your point about "dark skinned" being implied in "Black and Latino" but this piece is meant to convey racial tension with the imagery and descriptions (the pink 'pigs', the white trash bags) so I think it is useful to distinguish whether the narrator was seeing dark skinned or "high yaller" African Americans, non-white Latinos or caucasian Latinos.
You are right, I should be writing short fiction. I, too, am aware of the falseness of the label "free verse" when I am writing prose, but I try to "pass" if you know what I mean.
You are right, I should be writing short fiction. I, too, am aware of the falseness of the label "free verse" when I am writing prose, but I try to "pass" if you know what I mean.
on rainfall saga 7 by Bill Z Bub
23 Oct 2003, 8:39 PM
I imagine this series as an oral performance, and though I don't get it all, I appreciate it. The "recent" lineup here is full of weather poems tonight.
on Right side by <~>
23 Oct 2003, 8:32 PM
Nice images. Winter will soothe the insomnia. I love the seasons in your work.
on African Killer Bees, it's not the smell of smoke by <{Baba^Yaga}>
23 Oct 2003, 6:10 PM
ouch
on Slayer Sucks by peaceseeker
23 Oct 2003, 6:06 PM
A social worker, even off the clock.
on Go On a Business Trip by abecedarian
23 Oct 2003, 6:01 PM
Nice little moral of the story there at the end, I know what you mean.
on Completely Psychotic by peaceseeker
10 Oct 2003, 6:36 PM
"blocked, he scatched
my eye yanked
on my hair"
this section could be edited to say blocked,/
he scratched my eye/
yanked on my hair/ "
because splitting up the verbs from the objects is confusing. Clean up that first line of typos, too.
A little more description of him and the proximity he was to the narrator with his knife would make it easier to visualize.
my eye yanked
on my hair"
this section could be edited to say blocked,/
he scratched my eye/
yanked on my hair/ "
because splitting up the verbs from the objects is confusing. Clean up that first line of typos, too.
A little more description of him and the proximity he was to the narrator with his knife would make it easier to visualize.
on Primal Reality by peaceseeker
7 Oct 2003, 10:15 AM
I was confused at the beginning for a while about who was the cat and who the dog, and how the dog got back out (?) to flip the body of the headless squirrel around. I think you ought to describe the neighbor more than to just say "overweight" because that could mean so many different things and didn't provoke any mental image for me of what he/she looks like.
on Orchidess by abecedarian
7 Oct 2003, 10:01 AM
Nice work. However, I saw a picture of a Catasetum that looked short and stocky, rather than smooth and slender. The smooth and slender/spiralling tendrils reminds me more of the ghost orchid in that movie, "Adaptation". What did the French "la Fleur" add to the poem?
on Blissful the Fungae Forest by peaceseeker
6 Oct 2003, 8:54 AM
One of your best. I loved the title and the description of the leaf catching- my daughter says it is good luck to catch one in the air. You ought to submit to CBW.
replying on body image by http://mulberryfairy
29 Sep 2003, 11:41 AM
Ditto.
replying on body image by http://mulberryfairy
29 Sep 2003, 11:40 AM
Thanks. I must be doing something right if I pushed someone's buttons enough to warrant the rating of a blue 1.
on Love doggerel by thavimatola
29 Sep 2003, 11:32 AM
Cute.