on FREAKIN by celticskatermatt1
28 Apr 2005, 7:39 PM
marshmallows
when spelled correctly
can still rhyme with cellos
when spelled correctly
can still rhyme with cellos
on Missing a Line by peaceseeker
11 Oct 2004, 6:42 AM
I think it'd be a more effective metaphor than similie. I could visualize it though.
I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10
on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 7:18 PM
Beautiful and dramatic. I can't recommend any changes to its present form. 10
replying on Sequence by http://mulberryfairy
26 Jan 2004, 7:16 PM
the narrator IS confused and distanced. I think calling him by his full name (MLK, Jr.) has even more of a distancing effect, but I did want to call him Martin and have people not know who Martin was.
replying on A heart without keys by sliver
9 Nov 2003, 12:35 PM
Less cliche, yes, and more consistent, but I kind of liked the mystery of the inconsistency between verses.
on Paper Bag Scenario by dragonfly
9 Nov 2003, 11:29 AM
Paper bags don't help in the matter of political dissimilarity. Are you talking about physical dissimilarity? It kind of works if you are going for a racial message, you know the preintegration history is that doormen at clubs used to hold up a brown paper bag next to a person of African origin, and if they were lighter than the bag, they could enter the club.
on 7 Days of Suicide by dragonfly
9 Nov 2003, 11:23 AM
The oven isn't quite unused if you just made TV dinners, is it? I would allude to the smell of the TV dinners in the oven, "the mixed stink of Hungry Man meatloaf/potatoes/corn/brownie" to show that your narrator is serious enough to open the oven. I wouldn't toy around with train suicide stuff, see my poem "body image" for a fictionalized example of a true story. You know, it throws me off a little that there is no reason given for the suicide ideation, but maybe the reasons for suicide don't work for poetry because they seem too cliche. If this narrator is actually you, as a clinical social worker, I would recommend that you try to find someone to talk to about this stuff. It is usually difficult to get away from that kind of thinking alone, but it seems like you want to, or you wouldn't have told the poemranker audience about "your" (if it is your) suicidal thinking.
on The Burial by Mona Lisa
9 Nov 2003, 11:11 AM
I liked it all except "windows of her soul", even though "soul" went with Black and soil. Maybe you could work in soul without the cliche.
on A heart without keys by sliver
9 Nov 2003, 10:59 AM
need an apostrophe in "we're" in stanza 2, line 1. I noticed how the first stanza was telling the "you" of the good to come, like the narrator was rescuing the "you", but then in the second stanza, it was apparent that the narrator, too, planned to get something out of the relationship when you wrote "and you there with me" instead of "and me there with you".
The last stanza seems to be about "you" again, because you say "fulfillment of your needs". This confusion added some depth to a title and subject that was dangerously close to the cliche. I wonder if you meant to do it, and if so, if you could make it more pronounced?
The last stanza seems to be about "you" again, because you say "fulfillment of your needs". This confusion added some depth to a title and subject that was dangerously close to the cliche. I wonder if you meant to do it, and if so, if you could make it more pronounced?
on I, The Lord by ilovecars131
9 Nov 2003, 10:53 AM
Interesting, but it seemed handicapped by arbitrary line breaks and the incessant capitalization of the beginning word of each line (damn the default "help" of word processing programs). For example, you made a choice, I assume, to not capitalize "lord", but then toward the end, lord was capitalized because it happened to fall as the first word of a line.
on an early discovery (reworking) by richa
9 Nov 2003, 10:47 AM
Interesting twist to identify with the upright tree instead of the willow (especially in the willow's weather worn-ness), which most poets would probably prefer.
on Shouting at dogs by Bobjim
9 Nov 2003, 10:42 AM
Do you also enjoy firestarting, have problems with bedwetting? Just kidding. Cute.
You should read the recent poem by Abecedarian, for a different presentation of dog.
You should read the recent poem by Abecedarian, for a different presentation of dog.
on Free reign by INTRANSIT
9 Nov 2003, 10:23 AM
I love the evolution of the horse and the desire of the horse/narrator and the way their changing is juxtaposed against the constant use of the words "let" and "horse"- which also change in meaning. I can't even suggest any improvements.
replying on Homecoming by http://mulberryfairy
27 Oct 2003, 7:23 PM
Which words, in your perception, reek of this literary arrogance? I just wonder because I see my poems as very accessible to readers of various backgrounds- my own working vocabulary is simple and my prose-y style, I think, doesn't leave the reader feeling lost enough to feel the need to search for some cryptic message. Even if there is a metaphorical level that is not obvious, it seems like this poem can stand alone as a travel story without full understanding of any literary intentions I had in writing it.
replying on The Right to Life by Retaliate
27 Oct 2003, 7:10 PM
Yeah, he talked about the bewildered herd in "Media Control". Actually, in refering to your skill in drawing attention to the "big"issues, I was talking about the title- I mean, the title made it look like the poem would be about the abortion debate, but your poem pointed out that it is probably not THE MOST important thing, (even though it is worth arguing about and being passionate about) it is one that politicians fight about so often and it takes up so much time while other stuff, bigger stuff, slips by the public each day our elected officials meet. Not that we're talking about it, but you might be interested to know that the US Senate passed a bill last week that would make it illegal to perform partial birth abortions (including when it was deemed necessary by 2 different doctors for the mother's health). Contrary to what you might expect, Maine's 2 republican senators both voted against making it illegal.
on The Secret Jungle Keys by Y2kSlamPoet
27 Oct 2003, 4:50 PM
I think you made the metaphor a little too obvious- but it was, nevertheless, a good one. Make people think a little harder for it.
on The Right to Life by Retaliate
27 Oct 2003, 4:46 PM
herd is right, you heard right, right, they herd, right is heard.
Nice little play on how the more visible debate obscures the real, massive scale issues.
Nice little play on how the more visible debate obscures the real, massive scale issues.
replying on Kites, Gunpowder, and a Chair by Geschäftsreise
27 Oct 2003, 4:08 PM
Yeah, ugly in its infancy like Jules Verne's early (before his time) ideas of what space travel would look like, none too pretty those travellers would've been in their huge hollow cannonball(?)
Of souls stained like ours"