on I Shall Fight by Torok
22 Jun 2004, 1:26 PM
I like this (well, no crazy about the lowercase "i"'s) - for me it stays on the right side of honest introspection.
on Center Of The Universe by Dovina
21 Jun 2004, 6:15 PM
That last line...
I was thinking that if you want to keep it, maybe saying a specific kind of bug would add quite a bit. Like "a stinkbug";
"no matter, it was only a stinkbug"
I was thinking that if you want to keep it, maybe saying a specific kind of bug would add quite a bit. Like "a stinkbug";
"no matter, it was only a stinkbug"
on On the Discovery of Simple Sam and A Russian Catastrophe by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 6:19 PM
Quite nice, both.
on Worlds Worst Poem by Brittanyy
21 Jun 2004, 6:24 PM
definitely not the world's worst line B:
"Now she's
getting jealous cuz Im sleeping in
your shirt."
There is something universally appealing about a woman in a man's shirt.
fourth stanza rocks - I think it should be the last one (kill the last stanza).
"Now she's
getting jealous cuz Im sleeping in
your shirt."
There is something universally appealing about a woman in a man's shirt.
fourth stanza rocks - I think it should be the last one (kill the last stanza).
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 6:35 PM
hey!
this is a very good idea with the hands of the clock physically pulling lovers apart -
Its such a good idea that you should form it in at least a dozen ways and pick your favorite to do it justice.
Right now, without sounding too harsh I hope, it just sits there happy on the merit of the idea - imagine the impact it would have if said more poetically?
this is a very good idea with the hands of the clock physically pulling lovers apart -
Its such a good idea that you should form it in at least a dozen ways and pick your favorite to do it justice.
Right now, without sounding too harsh I hope, it just sits there happy on the merit of the idea - imagine the impact it would have if said more poetically?
on Bankruptcy by INTRANSIT
21 Jun 2004, 6:40 PM
heheh - this is good.
on Johnny by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 6:44 PM
I seem to be late and lone in my opinion, but this was effectively captivating.
on Sonnetias by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 5:54 PM
L4 try:
"A craving deepened by our thoughts of past"
L9:
"Just ask again and you'll encounter scorn"
not too shabby, not too shabby at all. An extra bit for a sonnet.
"A craving deepened by our thoughts of past"
L9:
"Just ask again and you'll encounter scorn"
not too shabby, not too shabby at all. An extra bit for a sonnet.
on 5/22 by aburiedlife
21 Jun 2004, 5:55 PM
one of the better free-form pimples in a while.
on Drunk and Fucked Up by wilco
21 Jun 2004, 5:57 PM
great hook with seranade
I don't like the verb agreement here:
"Shake the spiders from my mind
and let it eat me up inside."
I know that you could mean "it" is something else, but its not intuitive - save the trouble of deciphering and make the quantities agree, imho.
I don't like the verb agreement here:
"Shake the spiders from my mind
and let it eat me up inside."
I know that you could mean "it" is something else, but its not intuitive - save the trouble of deciphering and make the quantities agree, imho.
on RosalÃa de Castro: When I was born by Sasha
21 Jun 2004, 6:00 PM
what you think about using "spake" instead of "spoke"?
I think "daggar" s/b "dagger" unless you a punning a character (it could happen!)
nice one.
I think "daggar" s/b "dagger" unless you a punning a character (it could happen!)
nice one.
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 6:02 PM
It is clearly a retelling of the risen Christ, and well told.
on Quiet, Kind Hills by Dovina
21 Jun 2004, 6:03 PM
nice to see "ringforts"
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 6:04 PM
As I am a lesbian trappen in a man's body, I can understand your plight.
on Time Imperfect by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 6:10 PM
Mac-Daddy-Fan, nice job.
I wouldn't mind seeing a version that is less of a series of snapshots, less list-like.
should "bearing" be "baring" as in exposing themselves?
So, although I'd prefer a bit more flow, these ideas leave some solid impressions anyway.
I wouldn't mind seeing a version that is less of a series of snapshots, less list-like.
should "bearing" be "baring" as in exposing themselves?
So, although I'd prefer a bit more flow, these ideas leave some solid impressions anyway.
Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it.
Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.
the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.
And "still" - same thing.
LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.
Suppose you had done instead
Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]
See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?
But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.
Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.
the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.
And "still" - same thing.
LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.
Suppose you had done instead
Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]
See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?
But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.
on some deleted poem
18 Jun 2004, 4:25 AM
That is better.
on 0 by MacFrantic
18 Jun 2004, 4:27 AM
what is "Oh snap" mean?
on Paid In Full by NoSage
16 Jun 2004, 7:33 PM
father's day?