on Helo everybody is limerck time!! by DR Limerick
1 Jul 2004, 6:52 PM
heheh - not bad. Dual question marks are good there.
on finally i say goodbye by francis nor capule
1 Jul 2004, 6:51 PM
The repetition helps this, I think - but the theme is so often done that reader sympathy is difficult.
on The Death of Love by donmiguel1960
28 Jun 2004, 5:25 PM
really aught to reword that "whom" line, even if it is correct it is awkward in this context, imho.
Not crazy about breathing devoid, either - sorry.
Not crazy about breathing devoid, either - sorry.
on Commandment One by TLRufener
28 Jun 2004, 5:28 PM
Sheepheard is, wrong.
The premise of writing to something one doesn't believe in gives me pause.
Though I did like that "Dear God" song a while back.
The premise of writing to something one doesn't believe in gives me pause.
Though I did like that "Dear God" song a while back.
on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2004, 5:31 PM
Liking the sci-fi feel to it.
I think u use cigarette butts once too many times, though.
I will have to look up "elote".
I think u use cigarette butts once too many times, though.
I will have to look up "elote".
on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2004, 5:33 PM
Not sure why this is getting eviscerated - plenty of good in it and the ending cadence is spot-on.
I don't read it as a rant against fat people, not at all.
I don't read it as a rant against fat people, not at all.
on Black streets of Hackney by cpill
28 Jun 2004, 5:54 PM
Well, a sonnet.
But the identical rhyme , and wait - well, no rhyme scheme either. Hmm.
The language sounds like you are faking things English, strangely enough.
It is almost good, but somehow it smells crippled - mayhaps on purpose.
But the identical rhyme , and wait - well, no rhyme scheme either. Hmm.
The language sounds like you are faking things English, strangely enough.
It is almost good, but somehow it smells crippled - mayhaps on purpose.
on upon driving through rural Washington by david
26 Jun 2004, 3:35 PM
"distant whelm" is very nice.
quite a few nice bits in here as I read it again. I hope I don't seem to ignore those when I say much of it is smothered by one, two and three letter crap words.
Try a version without them for your own viewing, tell me if you don't like it.
quite a few nice bits in here as I read it again. I hope I don't seem to ignore those when I say much of it is smothered by one, two and three letter crap words.
Try a version without them for your own viewing, tell me if you don't like it.
on Interrogation #1086637 by MacFrantic
26 Jun 2004, 3:40 PM
2 spelling errors take away from it: consciouseness, akward.
fine otherwise.
fine otherwise.
on Ayudame (Help Me) by | Broken |
27 Jun 2004, 4:50 AM
the use of Ayudame is the best part of this; elevates it.
hi hbh, if that's your real name.
This does express the description of fear - but I'm always more comfortable with a poem that expresses fear itself.
How do you feel when you feel afraid? Describe some of that abuse - use some poetic devices, paint a picture.
Make me feel it without telling me what to feel?
Can you do that?
This does express the description of fear - but I'm always more comfortable with a poem that expresses fear itself.
How do you feel when you feel afraid? Describe some of that abuse - use some poetic devices, paint a picture.
Make me feel it without telling me what to feel?
Can you do that?
on some deleted poem
26 Jun 2004, 3:29 PM
I like the wedge and the verse doesn't seemed cramped to fit it.
The significance of this 72 year old man, other than his affinity to disabled women, is lost on me.
The significance of this 72 year old man, other than his affinity to disabled women, is lost on me.
on Absolution by Drunk Russian Poet
26 Jun 2004, 3:31 PM
The gene pun is horrible, DRP - I just can't get past that.
You may very well be saying some profundity - but if so, you have a clown nose on while doing it.
You may very well be saying some profundity - but if so, you have a clown nose on while doing it.
on Tulips for Penelope by zenhaircut
23 Jun 2004, 7:16 PM
Artfully done, but a tad long for a first exposure. I would need to be a fan to commit to such a lengthy verse, and as it is, I admit to skimming toward the end there.
I hope the others are more accessible - but this one; very nice anyway.
(a few typos, btw - a quick spell check will reveal them)
I hope the others are more accessible - but this one; very nice anyway.
(a few typos, btw - a quick spell check will reveal them)
on Small Town, January by zenhaircut
23 Jun 2004, 7:18 PM
good one.
on some deleted poem
22 Jun 2004, 7:42 PM
Its got your usual good flow, steady hand. Not crazy about the "it" with "cannot" (toss it) or the word "Huge" - lumbering takes care of that and if not, maybe a better word would.
bleeding a bit from small words, but still - fine enough.
bleeding a bit from small words, but still - fine enough.