on Silencing the Silenced by seanlb1
24 May 2004, 8:50 AM
Like the other; lots of idea, lots of emotion - screaming for distilation and a single goal.
on Lovely as a Lapland Night: Sort of a Sonnet by Nicholas Jones
24 May 2004, 8:46 AM
Interesting. Get rid of the "sort of..."; it's a sonnet. Anyone who argues that is lacking the expertise to be taken seriously.
The [conjuction]: is a little distracting... what is it buying you for this cost?
The [conjuction]: is a little distracting... what is it buying you for this cost?
on some deleted poem
24 May 2004, 5:45 PM
So, wha tis this revel ation?
de pome wants to have it.
de pome wants to have it.
on Know youself and you who are ! by firestar_2580
25 May 2004, 7:37 AM
yes mon. de badness of dis spelling approaches art,
yet stops short of the goal and flagellates itself.
(half of this thought brought to you by Sebastian de Crob)
yet stops short of the goal and flagellates itself.
(half of this thought brought to you by Sebastian de Crob)
on some deleted poem
25 May 2004, 11:17 AM
:O(
on my truth by francis nor capule
25 May 2004, 11:26 AM
Is true, is true.
[insert lenghthy diatribe about some tangentally related philisophical difference no-one will remember]
I think the first person works pretty well - second person would probably not work at all... I wonder if third person would add anything?
[insert lenghthy diatribe about some tangentally related philisophical difference no-one will remember]
I think the first person works pretty well - second person would probably not work at all... I wonder if third person would add anything?
on some deleted poem
25 May 2004, 11:42 AM
cant - can't
Your - You're
the metaphors for clear are a bit simplistic, don't you think? And so many prepositional phrases, especially in the top half where you want substance - if you dump them you might find you have to do more showing, and that's not a bad thing.
Maybe try the thing as third person; flesh out a character.
Your - You're
the metaphors for clear are a bit simplistic, don't you think? And so many prepositional phrases, especially in the top half where you want substance - if you dump them you might find you have to do more showing, and that's not a bad thing.
Maybe try the thing as third person; flesh out a character.
on your worth to me by francis nor capule
26 May 2004, 10:55 AM
pretty. What's with the spaces before commas sometimes?
on hoping by francis nor capule
26 May 2004, 10:57 AM
francis... what blinding and deafening love hath inspired this?
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 10:45 AM
*very nice*
"strung out on chance and cigarettes"
"strung out on chance and cigarettes"
on The Bed by Fear of Garbage
28 May 2004, 10:47 AM
at first the numerous "it/its" gave me pause - but with that ending - sets it up very nicely indeed.
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 10:52 AM
"Where I used to write letters " might better be,
"where I wrote letters" or "where I once wrote letters"
and that last line, hmmm - how about "and bleed once more" or something less telegraphed.
other than that, as is often said - "ace". Nice tight sentiment.
"where I wrote letters" or "where I once wrote letters"
and that last line, hmmm - how about "and bleed once more" or something less telegraphed.
other than that, as is often said - "ace". Nice tight sentiment.
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 11:04 AM
Good stuff KA - I don't know why you got a fricken 2(?) - oh, it was from God's Wife (the East German judge of PR).
Last stanza has excellent pop.
Last stanza has excellent pop.
on smokestack blues by wilco
28 May 2004, 11:01 AM
One of those where I'm not exactly sure what is being said, but I listen intently and am thankful for the conversation.
Nicely painted.
Nicely painted.
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 11:11 AM
"And take with you all your bags cause me and her..."
Should be "...cause I and her..." but even if grammatically correct, it is still awkward in that context -
Maybe you could reword that last sentence?
Should be "...cause I and her..." but even if grammatically correct, it is still awkward in that context -
Maybe you could reword that last sentence?
on some deleted poem
28 May 2004, 8:01 PM
Call it "unfinished"
on Hollywierd by INTRANSIT
7 Jun 2004, 6:11 PM
I kinda liked it until it started to sound like SupremeDreamer's odd rantings -
I think you've taken it up a notch, made the style more polished. Blessed with a nine.
I think you've taken it up a notch, made the style more polished. Blessed with a nine.
on Master Takes by Angeline
31 May 2004, 6:18 AM
Many of the references are lost on me, yet some quick checking tells me that they are made of iron - I like the flow of it, and the sounds.
on Soldiers (Terzanelle) by Angeline
31 May 2004, 6:24 AM
A fairly rarely used form in these parts (maybe I posted one - I'll check after I write this); its a tough one.
It very easily passes the "dress wearing the girl/the girl wearing the dress" test and the rhymes are smoove.
did you miss the punctuation after bone on purpose? You might have.
I wonder if wordsmithing "very hot" would buy you anything (other than trading freshness for pretentiousness), you've been up and down that I suppose.
It very easily passes the "dress wearing the girl/the girl wearing the dress" test and the rhymes are smoove.
did you miss the punctuation after bone on purpose? You might have.
I wonder if wordsmithing "very hot" would buy you anything (other than trading freshness for pretentiousness), you've been up and down that I suppose.
on Dear Lord, by INTRANSIT
2 Jun 2004, 7:06 AM
Leaves a nice aftertaste.
Some details - the semicolon/colon maybe better a dash/semicolon
and maybe "I'll not be bent" instead of the rent line - something about that sequence with "lent"... perhaps work "relent" in somehow?
Some details - the semicolon/colon maybe better a dash/semicolon
and maybe "I'll not be bent" instead of the rent line - something about that sequence with "lent"... perhaps work "relent" in somehow?