on The daisy-chain girl by richa
10 Jun 2004, 6:00 PM
"do like [we do]"
the verb "to be" is a bit overdone here, R.
the verb "to be" is a bit overdone here, R.
on Hollywierd by INTRANSIT
7 Jun 2004, 6:11 PM
I kinda liked it until it started to sound like SupremeDreamer's odd rantings -
I think you've taken it up a notch, made the style more polished. Blessed with a nine.
I think you've taken it up a notch, made the style more polished. Blessed with a nine.
on Dear Lord, by INTRANSIT
2 Jun 2004, 7:06 AM
Leaves a nice aftertaste.
Some details - the semicolon/colon maybe better a dash/semicolon
and maybe "I'll not be bent" instead of the rent line - something about that sequence with "lent"... perhaps work "relent" in somehow?
Some details - the semicolon/colon maybe better a dash/semicolon
and maybe "I'll not be bent" instead of the rent line - something about that sequence with "lent"... perhaps work "relent" in somehow?
replying on The Snow Queen by Angeline
31 May 2004, 5:04 PM
good catch, zod. iac. Can't really abreviate that... I guess.
on Soldiers (Terzanelle) by Angeline
31 May 2004, 6:24 AM
A fairly rarely used form in these parts (maybe I posted one - I'll check after I write this); its a tough one.
It very easily passes the "dress wearing the girl/the girl wearing the dress" test and the rhymes are smoove.
did you miss the punctuation after bone on purpose? You might have.
I wonder if wordsmithing "very hot" would buy you anything (other than trading freshness for pretentiousness), you've been up and down that I suppose.
It very easily passes the "dress wearing the girl/the girl wearing the dress" test and the rhymes are smoove.
did you miss the punctuation after bone on purpose? You might have.
I wonder if wordsmithing "very hot" would buy you anything (other than trading freshness for pretentiousness), you've been up and down that I suppose.
on Master Takes by Angeline
31 May 2004, 6:18 AM
Many of the references are lost on me, yet some quick checking tells me that they are made of iron - I like the flow of it, and the sounds.
on smokestack blues by wilco
28 May 2004, 11:01 AM
One of those where I'm not exactly sure what is being said, but I listen intently and am thankful for the conversation.
Nicely painted.
Nicely painted.
on The Bed by Fear of Garbage
28 May 2004, 10:47 AM
at first the numerous "it/its" gave me pause - but with that ending - sets it up very nicely indeed.
replying on In Love as in Love by Everyone
28 May 2004, 8:56 AM
It is? I should have known. You're so smart.
replying on In Love as in Love by Everyone
27 May 2004, 7:43 AM
Ahhh - the list lengthens. Impressive.
I'm glad someone is keeping track of these things.
As for this particular poem[e]- is not 'orrible. Its not a poet's poem[e], reads more like something to be given to the boyfriend/girlfriend (I suspect girlfriend) - it's more like a "Poem" in the hallmark sense.
Some of those rhymes (other than the love/above) bit are clumsy - but love has that effect.
I always feel silly rating a poem[e] by Everyone, but I'll give it a generous 8.
I'm glad someone is keeping track of these things.
As for this particular poem[e]- is not 'orrible. Its not a poet's poem[e], reads more like something to be given to the boyfriend/girlfriend (I suspect girlfriend) - it's more like a "Poem" in the hallmark sense.
Some of those rhymes (other than the love/above) bit are clumsy - but love has that effect.
I always feel silly rating a poem[e] by Everyone, but I'll give it a generous 8.
replying on fleeting thoughts by francis nor capule
27 May 2004, 6:45 AM
no - not at all; we've all been there. Got a few on here meself.
on hoping by francis nor capule
26 May 2004, 10:57 AM
francis... what blinding and deafening love hath inspired this?
on your worth to me by francis nor capule
26 May 2004, 10:55 AM
pretty. What's with the spaces before commas sometimes?
replying on Lovely as a Lapland Night: Sort of a Sonnet by Nicholas Jones
26 May 2004, 6:48 AM
Agreed, one could argue it. Certain specific types of sonnets require consistent rising and falling rythm over ten beats - but not all.
I've warmed up on the colon use, gives it a nice flavor. Good one.
I've warmed up on the colon use, gives it a nice flavor. Good one.
on my truth by francis nor capule
25 May 2004, 11:26 AM
Is true, is true.
[insert lenghthy diatribe about some tangentally related philisophical difference no-one will remember]
I think the first person works pretty well - second person would probably not work at all... I wonder if third person would add anything?
[insert lenghthy diatribe about some tangentally related philisophical difference no-one will remember]
I think the first person works pretty well - second person would probably not work at all... I wonder if third person would add anything?
on Know youself and you who are ! by firestar_2580
25 May 2004, 7:37 AM
yes mon. de badness of dis spelling approaches art,
yet stops short of the goal and flagellates itself.
(half of this thought brought to you by Sebastian de Crob)
yet stops short of the goal and flagellates itself.
(half of this thought brought to you by Sebastian de Crob)
on Silencing the Silenced by seanlb1
24 May 2004, 8:50 AM
Like the other; lots of idea, lots of emotion - screaming for distilation and a single goal.
on Lovely as a Lapland Night: Sort of a Sonnet by Nicholas Jones
24 May 2004, 8:46 AM
Interesting. Get rid of the "sort of..."; it's a sonnet. Anyone who argues that is lacking the expertise to be taken seriously.
The [conjuction]: is a little distracting... what is it buying you for this cost?
The [conjuction]: is a little distracting... what is it buying you for this cost?
I like this - I think it would be better for the killing of some of the small words (the conjuctions and little preps - but I often say this).