on Drunk and Fucked Up by wilco
21 Jun 2004, 5:57 PM
great hook with seranade
I don't like the verb agreement here:
"Shake the spiders from my mind
and let it eat me up inside."
I know that you could mean "it" is something else, but its not intuitive - save the trouble of deciphering and make the quantities agree, imho.
I don't like the verb agreement here:
"Shake the spiders from my mind
and let it eat me up inside."
I know that you could mean "it" is something else, but its not intuitive - save the trouble of deciphering and make the quantities agree, imho.
on 5/22 by aburiedlife
21 Jun 2004, 5:55 PM
one of the better free-form pimples in a while.
on Sonnetias by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 5:54 PM
L4 try:
"A craving deepened by our thoughts of past"
L9:
"Just ask again and you'll encounter scorn"
not too shabby, not too shabby at all. An extra bit for a sonnet.
"A craving deepened by our thoughts of past"
L9:
"Just ask again and you'll encounter scorn"
not too shabby, not too shabby at all. An extra bit for a sonnet.
Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it.
Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.
the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.
And "still" - same thing.
LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.
Suppose you had done instead
Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]
See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?
But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.
Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.
the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.
And "still" - same thing.
LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.
Suppose you had done instead
Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]
See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?
But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.
on 0 by MacFrantic
18 Jun 2004, 4:27 AM
what is "Oh snap" mean?
on Paid In Full by NoSage
16 Jun 2004, 7:33 PM
father's day?
on Dealer (a senyru) by Mona Lisa
15 Jun 2004, 3:25 PM
EXCELLENT. and you even called it the right name!
replying on Big wave by DR Limerick
15 Jun 2004, 2:38 PM
Thank you, good doctor.
on Thin Blood by Rodavlas
15 Jun 2004, 10:19 AM
take the second half of the second verse and put the rest back into the word-pile.
And the last line could work too - just the idea of it; toasting bodyparts.
could make a memorable song - but not another suicide note.
And the last line could work too - just the idea of it; toasting bodyparts.
could make a memorable song - but not another suicide note.
on The Stickmen of Fools by embersandenvelopes
14 Jun 2004, 10:12 AM
Reads fairly well - not entirely sure what it's about though. Feels like a venting somehow.
I like this idea of pouncing on something then the pouncer suffocating.
I like this idea of pouncing on something then the pouncer suffocating.
on Hiding by QuirkyWonder
13 Jun 2004, 2:50 PM
ahhhh, dat's chute.
on Big wave by DR Limerick
13 Jun 2004, 2:45 PM
There once was a woman from Taigan
Who drew one hell of a floorplan
She met a man by shore
Though she found him a bore
He paid her again and again.
Who drew one hell of a floorplan
She met a man by shore
Though she found him a bore
He paid her again and again.
replying on Untitled 48 by TLRufener
12 Jun 2004, 8:22 AM
Btw - I bet you could do this with less than half the words. I don't mean this as a dig in anyway, but after reading all of your poems (here, and there) I really think it would make them stronger.
(please, don't throw that shoe)
(please, don't throw that shoe)
on Untitled 48 by TLRufener
12 Jun 2004, 8:16 AM
Ahah! I know what it is! it is a "riddle". Or it could also be a pen.
on fire has its own logic by impert&ent
11 Jun 2004, 4:53 PM
"interiority of computers" - interesting.
Some fresh ideas here, but the form is hurting it imho; got me thinking on it.
Some fresh ideas here, but the form is hurting it imho; got me thinking on it.
I think "daggar" s/b "dagger" unless you a punning a character (it could happen!)
nice one.