on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2004, 8:32 PM
That 3rd stanzas a killer. Straight to the heart. Maybe you could set it apart as it's own little poem. I see it's the meat here, but she should be served as her own separate course, she's that fine. What do you think?
on The Gray Idea by Doug
11 Jun 2004, 7:38 PM
wow, this is amazing!!!
'Struggling...strangled by hands of chance(and clocks)'
You're so insightful, you know, you really have your thumb on the pulse of life.
I especially like the way you capitalized Fate and Time, really drives the message home.
Welcome to poemranker! :)
'Struggling...strangled by hands of chance(and clocks)'
You're so insightful, you know, you really have your thumb on the pulse of life.
I especially like the way you capitalized Fate and Time, really drives the message home.
Welcome to poemranker! :)
on A Strenuous Recollection by Doug
11 Jun 2004, 7:50 PM
What can I say you're like so totally awesome. i f I lived next door to you I'd spend the whole day pining at the kitchen window, waiting for you to walk out the front door, then I'd 'conveniently(teehee) step outside just hoping maybe you'd notice the new hip-huggers I bought at Nordstroms with the 80 bucks I save up from my allowance the birthday money!
It must be great to be you.
Nice use of torper, and lassitude.
It must be great to be you.
Nice use of torper, and lassitude.
on First Kiss by david
11 Jun 2004, 12:44 PM
Nice poem.
I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.
I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.
Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?
the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.
I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.
I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.
Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?
the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.
on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2004, 8:20 AM
DE tener...
on Even manic dreamers must face Atropos by SupremeDreamer
11 Jun 2004, 8:33 AM
'When one knows the truth it's easy to lie' Nice. You should work on this, it could be great.
on The Ocean Prefers A Sunset by wilco
11 Jun 2004, 8:38 AM
'...seems to me.' is simply awful.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2004, 8:40 AM
How sad. New Age Jesus says, 'Don't spill your seed on the internet, man'
on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2004, 8:46 AM
Get some therapy. Oh, and a poetry workshop would help you loads.
on A Wishful Way Of Life by Blindpoetry
11 Jun 2004, 8:48 AM
Very interesting structure. Cold and analytical. Chose better words.
on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2004, 8:49 AM
Only...what?
on my unicorn by francis nor capule
11 Jun 2004, 8:50 AM
Good gravy twice.
on sweet surrender by francis nor capule
11 Jun 2004, 8:57 AM
How is this a poem? Are you a mental retard?
on some deleted poem
10 Jun 2004, 6:55 PM
This poem has emotion, relationship, specifics the audience can relate to and understand. 4
The structure and the words you seem to 'settle' for, are still unpoetic. There's no music to it.
Once a year I find my way
To the place my Father loved.
Mountain waterfall
A little ways above our camp.
I rise up, like Daddy,
And follow the lichened trail
til I arrive again
To his sault of faith, my place of peace.
The structure and the words you seem to 'settle' for, are still unpoetic. There's no music to it.
Once a year I find my way
To the place my Father loved.
Mountain waterfall
A little ways above our camp.
I rise up, like Daddy,
And follow the lichened trail
til I arrive again
To his sault of faith, my place of peace.
on The daisy-chain girl by richa
10 Jun 2004, 12:23 PM
I'm comfuzzled. The 'us' isn't clear, who are 'us'? You're structure is only the best. If I take each line individually they're lovely but what does it all mean?
on sweet kissing me there by misslexy
10 Jun 2004, 12:37 PM
eewww.
on some deleted poem
10 Jun 2004, 12:44 PM
Better. Get rid of 'convey meaning', it negates everything you wrote before it. Trust me.
on Of Painting by thepinkbunnyofdoom
10 Jun 2004, 12:47 PM
Nice poem. You don't need to ask that rhetorical question, it's childish and ineffective.
It truly is a masterpiece
Of criticism.
Your painting?
Your painting looks like shit...
It truly is a masterpiece
Of criticism.
Your painting?
Your painting looks like shit...
on A life unsure by sliver
10 Jun 2004, 6:23 PM
1. You never tell us who he is, in relationship to you or the world. 0
2. What is the ambrosia, the fear, the roses? 0
3. Designate what? 0
4. Drifting where? 0
5. Retrospect? So far there's nothing to look at backwards or forwards. 0
6. His agility was found by what act? 0
etc. etc. etc...
Everything in this poem is completely vague, how can the audience relate to or feel the emotion of something without emotion. Can you tell me what the emotion is in this poem? No, I didn't think so. I don't have time to keep repeating myself over and over again when I read a poem that's completely in trouble. Take a class, pay someone to help you, or read books on writing poetry. Nothing in your work is clear or dramatic. You show terrible taste in your choice of words. Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf.
there are you happy now?
2. What is the ambrosia, the fear, the roses? 0
3. Designate what? 0
4. Drifting where? 0
5. Retrospect? So far there's nothing to look at backwards or forwards. 0
6. His agility was found by what act? 0
etc. etc. etc...
Everything in this poem is completely vague, how can the audience relate to or feel the emotion of something without emotion. Can you tell me what the emotion is in this poem? No, I didn't think so. I don't have time to keep repeating myself over and over again when I read a poem that's completely in trouble. Take a class, pay someone to help you, or read books on writing poetry. Nothing in your work is clear or dramatic. You show terrible taste in your choice of words. Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf.
there are you happy now?