on What do u think i am! by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Oct 2005, 7:05 AM
The best part was "encampuslate". Have you ever read anything, ever?
on A Meadow, Among Other Things by Enkidu
1 Oct 2005, 7:07 AM
I never understand anything you write about.
on Escape by Heather Dee
5 Oct 2005, 1:56 AM
If I may make a suggestion, try rewriting this poem avoiding any rhymes you've ever heard, ever, in any poem or song. Ever. This would mean skipping go and know, pain and gain, find and mind, and probably eyes and ties, to say the least. Finding new rhymes will also help you to avoid those unfortunate cliches (since there's only so many places to lay your weary head, and that's your bed, for example.) In other words, if instead of saying "Take a moment to close your eyes" you said, oh, "take a moment to flex your sphincter" and then made it rhyme, you'd be bound to say something original, and therefore a hundred times more interesting than what you have. That's all. Great try, but please take my advice seriously. I know the tone of this comment is a little sarcastic, but that's only because I live in the middle of a great ugly desert without access to conventional forms of entertainment. I mean it. You can't write anything good while using cliche rhymes.
on Why Iâm Homeless by Dovina
5 Oct 2005, 1:58 AM
Drop the colons. Great.
on The chestnut by richa
5 Oct 2005, 2:01 AM
Really great. Is that really how it's spelled? I thought absinthe, and am too lazy to check.
on Pebbles by Verse2Verse
5 Oct 2005, 2:10 AM
"With every pebble thrown A heart suffers loss" is the part that sounds most like an Poison-esque power ballad or country music. And really? Does that heart REALLY "suffer loss" every time you throw a pebble? Excuse me for suggesting that sounds like one of those things which are only true in power ballads, like love's like a knife, or the jukebox playing your song.
on A Light in the Dark by Verse2Verse
5 Oct 2005, 3:28 AM
on Rocky Road by Dovina
13 Oct 2005, 2:06 AM
The last two lines don't make up for the rest being practically not-English.
on some deleted poem
13 Oct 2005, 3:07 AM
Ever notice how for all your effort to acknowledge every comment on your poems with some brief bit of contentlessness, you don't seem to have actually understood anything that's been said to you during your entire time on poemranker?
From the top: The way you're living, it doesn't seem, um, what's the word? Oh yeah: right, healthy, non-ridiculous. You're an adult with more education than most of the world's population even wants. You have all the opportunity in the world to have love and happiness. If you persist in this silly self-destructive mopishness, I'll have to persist in thinking it's because you want it that way, and, then, what the hell, who in her respectable mid-20s WANTS to be unhappy? I'm not the one to tell people where success is at, but I'd suggest starting with taking a break from guys for a good long time; closely examining yourself (and your poetry) for what's unhealthy and noninherent to yourself, what's cliche and affected, like cutting and mopish poetry; and doing something proactive and in-control, like joining Peace Corps or learning poker strategy. This is as genuine as I get. Get a fucking hold of yourself.
From the top: The way you're living, it doesn't seem, um, what's the word? Oh yeah: right, healthy, non-ridiculous. You're an adult with more education than most of the world's population even wants. You have all the opportunity in the world to have love and happiness. If you persist in this silly self-destructive mopishness, I'll have to persist in thinking it's because you want it that way, and, then, what the hell, who in her respectable mid-20s WANTS to be unhappy? I'm not the one to tell people where success is at, but I'd suggest starting with taking a break from guys for a good long time; closely examining yourself (and your poetry) for what's unhealthy and noninherent to yourself, what's cliche and affected, like cutting and mopish poetry; and doing something proactive and in-control, like joining Peace Corps or learning poker strategy. This is as genuine as I get. Get a fucking hold of yourself.
on Sex Object by Dovina
7 Oct 2005, 6:48 AM
You're sick. If you were a feminist, you'd at least get so-called sensitive men. No vote.
on His Secret in the Woods by TLRufener
8 Oct 2005, 3:45 AM
Great. If only you were ironic.
on dictates of whose travel agency? by A. Nomaly
8 Oct 2005, 3:47 AM
No apostrophes in the title. Anywhere. Correct would be "dictates of whose travel agency". Want to call me anal? Go ahead. At least I'm not illiterate, and anal people still get laid, apparently.
on My First Boyfriend by jessicazee
8 Oct 2005, 3:56 AM
Brilliant. Always a pleasure. I have no idea how to critique or edit your poems. Brilliant.
on incomplete by Prince of Void
8 Oct 2005, 3:57 AM
Isn't "incomplete" another word for "with a void"?
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2005, 5:00 AM
Don't half-punctuate. Add an apostrophe in October's, commas or periods at the end of practically every line, and commas before and after my love in the last stanza.
Other than that - not-so-twentieth-century-audience. And a lot of easy stylizations, it seems. Ask yourself, do you REALLY believe "sin never tasted so heavenly"? What do you think that means, exactly? Do you think there might be an original idea or formulation that comes more closely to what you actually feel about kissing this girl? I bet there is.
-Low score-
Other than that - not-so-twentieth-century-audience. And a lot of easy stylizations, it seems. Ask yourself, do you REALLY believe "sin never tasted so heavenly"? What do you think that means, exactly? Do you think there might be an original idea or formulation that comes more closely to what you actually feel about kissing this girl? I bet there is.
-Low score-
on The Enigmatic Pentagram by ObsequiousGem
10 Oct 2005, 5:17 AM
I thought this poem was going to be about how a pentigram is enigmatic. I see you've kept clear of that. And everything else enigmatic, apparently.
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2005, 5:38 AM
I wrote a short story once called "Biography" about spectacularly unimaginative couples who can only make conversation until they've finished recounting their respective life stories. Then they have to find new partners. The duration of each successive relationship increases by exactly the amount of time it takes to cover the previous relationship, and so on, until you die.