kingit
on earshot by kingit
20 Oct 2003, 12:21 AM
thanks, thanks...except for the Goth part.
nice piece! Don't usually say things like this to girls your age.---9
34C02011
-8-
"Rusty Hull-ed ship
carries disease
Rusty shopping cart
beggar on his knees"
You may omit the rest.
somewhat sappy. perhaps more of a pimple pome?
The sentiment is good.
especially like that someone pretending to be a 14 yr old girl and suggesting someone to 'pull on my whiskers'
Reminds me of little red riding hood.
NATURE!!!
goofy loveable.
L-4 with much stronger ties. small bump.
two questions:
Why only one (C)?
How does one turn themselves over to their ruling planet, anyway.
a flash of inspiration.
"rotting time"
"hollow stone"
"eternal view"
"insomniatic dreams"
I could do with one less "warm" in the last stanza.
Let’s see:
Line 1: cliché
Line: 2: cliché
Line 3: cliché
Line 4: what are you 14?
Line 5: vague and bordering cliché
Line6: cliché
Line 7/8: see Line 4.
Line: 9 cliché
Line 10: See line 4.
Line 11: why not ev’r more for effect, I mean the poem is shit anyway, might as well go all the way.
Line 12: it’s “it’” – also see line 4.
Line 13/14/15: could be good if not leaning toward cliché
Line 16: stupid. See line 4.
Other than that lovely. And such original thinking.
Might I suggest a collapsing parking structure and a legless prostitute in a rusting radio flyer?
Call it "Drug Addict".