Re: The Search by Skamper	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:35 AM
The grammar and syntax seems all over the place, there are fragments that make sense. In the first couple of lines where does 'odd' come from. Like the lady with her tales about cats being unpoisonable. Not sure where Darwin awards? comes into it and the bit about reward, not sure about that either. In verse 2 caused 'it' is problematic, what exactly is 'it' (other than an anaphoric island). Like the primordial stew bit in verse 3 but 'The man who demanded of the three-legged dance says' the man who demanded what of the three-legged dance. The final verse is better but the final two lines are a bit rubbish.
Re: Paper Maker by Skamper	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:39 AM
I disagree with JZ. There are a lot of prepositions but I think that is down to person style and not necessarily a fault. Arid air is a terrible cliche.
Re: The Finding by Skamper	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:42 AM
The finding, and the searching for that matter, sounds terribly portentious. I think the pome needs something more concrete to convince that there is something behind the shadows.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:53 AM
I don't know. I don't think kick the bucket it quite synonymous with her killing herself. Kicking the bucket is more of a description ex eventu.
Re: Oops by John Rambo	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:54 AM
Dear God.
Re: Hairball by jessicazee	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:01 PM
Haiku should be two images that intersect. This isn't. Also it is ambiguous. Are you thanking the cat for wiping it up or for making it.
Re: the magic rock by nypoet22	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:10 PM
The last verse is out of kilter. The poem is the narrator pondering certain questions but then he says to not blame Moses.
Re: Guarded Fool by drnick	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:18 PM
This must be about children. You teach them rules and in psychoguff terms they internalise those rules and then when the rules are removed they grow into upstanding chaps. The poem is rubbish if my theory is incorrect.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/12:47 PM
This is good. I might say that there is a possible alternative to missing out the article - Imp once told me that 'tree' is also the archaic name for a cross (like the one from the Passion). You could change that line to 'Men nailed to trees bleeding out', which would also bring in the two thieves on either side. That being said, it's such an obscure phrase that people might not get it. Either way, I still think this is perfectly acceptable.
Re: Guarded Fool by drnick	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/12:53 PM
Like it. Reminds me of a passage from Slaughterhouse 5 - "How nice - to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive".
Re: A twisted Trail in Eden’s Garden by Dovina	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/12:57 PM
I thought the title said 'A twisted Trail in Edna's Garden'. How terrifying would that be? As for the poeme itself, it's well written. If I were to be picky (and I am) then my only suggestion might be to change 'before' to something that doesn't start on a soft stress. It's not a particularly important crit though.
Re: Llamas by Skamper	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/1:02 PM
Enjoyable. I'm not certain that the title has any more bearing than association with some of the images, but it's probably worth more thought than I can give right now. 'Slide your new tongue between the cracks' made me think of weeds growing through paving slabs - but I'm not sure if you want that ambiguity (i.e. the contrast with 'a polished way to speak'). I think it works wonderfully though, and I do intend to think more about this later. One instant suggestion - you might want to get rid of 'the' from line 2; it could be a personal preference but I prefer as few definite articles as possible in a short space. Good poem.
Re: A Post of Winter by azntsarina	richa 81.179.219.225	26-Mar-07/6:15 AM
Not keen on the whole polar storage diversion. The best parts for me are the 'for a minute I thought I was beautiful' and its relationship to the catching the boy's thoughts at Saigon house (the best part of the poem imo) and the end with let them think what they want. I think you have the crux here of an aceo poem.
Re: Another Life by azntsarina	richa 81.179.219.225	26-Mar-07/6:27 AM
I don't think the cold water darkness simile works. You don't really breathe in darkness or cold water. Don't like how you've used 5 lines to say green red red yellow. 'And most of the time I am' doesn't appear to refer to anything. I like the bit about the fogs that occassionally descend on this city, the balance of fog. I really like the last verse too (bar the last line). There seem to be three themes here, the wandering in the fields, the past life, and the dissection fantasy. I'm not sure how they are linked though.
Re: Union-GO train-Toronto by azntsarina	richa 81.179.219.225	26-Mar-07/6:29 AM
Great clarity.
regarding some deleted poem...	Prince of Void 80.71.126.76	26-Mar-07/10:15 AM
That’s the way it is We are on the mission To achieve what we shoud achieve For achieving we want to do anything Like that Happiness is that we do whatever it takes To achieve something at the end Even we dont know it works or not Afterwards we are still where we stay and we die
Re: Cane by richa	Ranger 81.103.124.179	27-Mar-07/2:21 AM
Ace, I don't get it but it's clearly not bow'ls.
Re: Death Beseech You by polaroidmemory	Ranger 81.103.124.179	27-Mar-07/2:22 AM
I never understand why people must always write about death and hate as though they are the worst things on this planet. What about indigestion, dammit? No-one ever thinks of the indigestion!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Re: Death Beseech You by polaroidmemory	Dan garcia-Black 66.53.213.47	27-Mar-07/10:44 AM
-7- For humor.
Re: Cane by richa	Dovina 75.82.86.162	27-Mar-07/2:42 PM
I thought of John Newton, an English slave ship captain for 20 years. He quit all that, sided with the abolition movement, and wrote the song of the movie's title, "Amazing Grace" When he got old and blind, he said, "I was blind, but now I see," and then asked the question, "Did I write that?" A good movie.