richa
on rainday by Bill Z Bub
17 Jul 2003, 10:26 AM
I quite like all the daft words you use. It could almost be a nonsense poem or a surreal poem. Bloombrellas is my favourite
like hostile as a car bomb and the use of line breaks (prostitutes that pull/)
fourth verse is like an eminem lyric, funny
needs a bit of insight/ something new to say to compliment the imagery. Like the pretzel bit though nice to have a joke that becomes obvious when it is told
Wheeled Chairs Of Your Mind (Lyric) by -=Dark_Angel=-
Something did a massive dollop
And it landed on my head
Why did someone eat that turnip
that was dangling by a thread?
Could you please remove those sandals
and that oversized balloon
You've inserted in my anus
I look just like a baboon
Someone stole my last cucumber
And my only deck of cards
And a giant oblong panda
Has exploded in my arse
Both my buttocks have been crippled
And they look like scrambled eggs
Now that motherfucking freight train
Has run over both my legs
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the wheeled chairs of your mind
More fun than humans should be allowed to have. Miss you guys and gals like the dickens. Who invented that line anyway? Big numbers!
this is great stuff man
Nice song, tip to correct spelling before publishing but it's a good way to start writing songs so you should keep writing without listening to some people who put you down. Trust me, being in NY myself where everyone wants a comment about something is tough so you'll do ok. (10)
Excellent poem. The parodoy of the "true gentleman" How so true that society defines what what is "genteel" behavior off the rich and obnoxious. Well done!
lol very imaginative and nicely done!
Interesting. You might want to correct the misspelling of "tongue".
A bit child-like, but I expect that the simple style has been adopted consciously and for a specific effect. Correct me if I'm wrong. The first stanza was undoubtedly the best bit. The rest needs polishing.
Promising. With a bit of a rewrite it could be truly haunting. You might want to correct the misspelling of "deranged".
A bit of a mess, but I like the sentiments expressed! The rhythm is rather jolting, like a nervous driver applying the brakes too frequently in heavy traffic.
interesting, if not a little satanic... :) anyway I would give it an eight
sweet images in the first verse well fitted together.
not sure about the direction it took in the second verse. But I like poems that introduce themselves before later revealing the plot
who will write a love poem like this in the next century. A few million I would have thought!
Some good points through I like the abrupt end to the first verse and second
a thought is never heard? how do you access your own thoughts then? Does it become apparent only when you open your mouth?
I do like the flow of this the last line spoils it though, a bit too pretentious
See, to me, this has all been down to death. Does that mean it's not good or worth it's meaning to you? No. So here.
So if the world is your oyster and the girl is your pearl, who does that make the swine?