LosT SykoPath
on some deleted poem
11 Jun 2003, 5:52 PM
and im borde...lol just kidding it was awsome
it should be "you're" a contraction for "you are" not "your" which is a possessive pronoun.
after that, try some more substance, more specific details, images, etc.
click on "best" at the top and read through those. you can learn a lot here.
LAst 2 lines of S1 just fuck it up, other than that I really absorbed myself in to this so I ask you from the bottom of my tiny black heart, change it. 7
A nice father's day poem. however, not a haiku. you have about 195 too many syllables.
zen-like simplicity, but it could have a touch more imagery.
I love these outbursts of yours there so fucking apt.8
what is "unbareab"?
cliche:"like a gunshot"
A lovely poem about a middle aged man with scissors. is it modeled after Boo Radley from To Kill a Mockingbird?
Rather weak and stolid.
The line that captivated me was "with you, you dont know jack". It's just so pure.
3rd line's a bit lacking. you had the opportunity for some punch, but you slightly missed it (not to mention syllables)
Heeker.
It reminds me of an eminem song, only without the line breaks.
weak. it is screaming "teenager" and is so full of extra words and so lacking in images, freshness, or poetry.
I was. thanks for spoiling it. the ambiguity has ruined the excitement. one word for you:
STOLID. look it up.
nice jop. I like this.
Glad I bought the double roll of toilet paper.
Powerful and succinct. Nicely done. deserves a 10.
a few typos, trite and stolid. I'm sure it was nice for you at the time.
powerful. lovely. grapey.