regarding some deleted poem...	xxx 67.172.190.253	18-Jan-07/7:37 AM
My lovely wife likes the first version better, but Shuushin is correct in the need for brevity in a poem. I would have preferred chatoyant to pearly in describing cataracts. Unfortunately, I think most people would not know what the word meant. I just re-read a couple of your posts to see why you rated above a zero. If you left of the homilies (that word does not quite fit, but is as close as I can get), they would be good. This is only my opinion. I do not believe this rates an 8, but will not fault you for it.
Re: A Fart For All Mankind by Edna Sweetlove	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:37 AM
Very clever. I love farting.
Re: do androids dream? by nentwined	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:38 AM
How fucking deep. You sound like a Californian. I can be no more insulting than that.
Re: Fragrant Love by Engelbert Humpalot	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:38 AM
How reminiscent of my own family. Very fucking amusing.
Re: Grafton Street Late Joys by Engelbert Humpalot	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:39 AM
A truly bestial write.
Re: for sue (20030815) by nentwined	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:40 AM
A nip of tea? You mean Japanese tea? Jesus Christ, this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad.
Re: A Coven of Toes by sixtoedwonder	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:42 AM
Total fucking drivel.
Re: The Consultation by Edna Sweetlove	Holy Tits 195.194.75.209	18-Jan-07/7:44 AM
Sick.
Re: Give it up Max by Stephen Robins	Ranger 86.131.63.244	18-Jan-07/8:51 AM
Top closing stanza. I have a David Gower-based poem in production for you.
Re: Stripping the willow by ecargo	Ranger 86.131.63.244	18-Jan-07/9:00 AM
POEME STATS: Stanzas: 3 Lines: 12 Uses of 'the': 7 Uses of 'a': 4 Not that I'm criticising there, but you might want to borrow one of the mage's chisels? 'along the long' = yikes 'a sough of doubt' = sex on a light blue screen Stanza two is super, so is the final line. Stanza one feels weaker than the rest, not that I know what to suggest. Maybe it's the brevity of line one. Everyone who says this is a lovely poem is right though.
Re: He's... by holliebollie_19	Ranger 86.131.63.244	18-Jan-07/9:05 AM
Couple of typos in here need fixing. Influences?
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	18-Jan-07/9:54 AM
Very circular--just spins in place; doesn't go anywhere. Ever try a sestina? Same type of wordplay, but much more interesting results (usually).
Re: Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	18-Jan-07/10:07 AM
I've read this a few times. I like the story telling aspect of it, but at points it gets wordy and the story itself is a little thin as told. In order for a straight narrative poem to work, I think the story needs to be stronger--a ballad form would suit this (okay, maybe it just made me think of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfood, for obvious reasons, but I think that's a good illustration of why that song/story works--the ballad form, the interesting language, the ship's backstory, etc.). I think part of the problem may be that there's no one to connect with--if you read, for example, Zodiac's poem about Cook dying, it's the people in the poem that really make it work; we identify with the dying Captain, the native girl. This lacks any such personalization/identification. Even something like "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" connects us with the ship by making it something living--maybe it's the focus on the rats that doesn't work for me here. The prologue seems unnecessary, tacked on; doesn't advance anything, IMO, and isn't really ever followed up in any way. In general, too, this gets a little too anthropormorphic for me (the glad rats, the amiably sailing ship). I think the story telling is pretty good, though could use some paring. And I like the last line--the "fatted rats" suggesting, intentionally or not, fatted calves (a sacrifice) and "gasping in the open sea" is a good line and image.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	18-Jan-07/10:15 AM
I like the rewrite better than the original. The brevity suits the narrow, sharp focus--hands show as much as faces, don't they? Sometimes more, like occupations, interests--calluses on fingertips (guitarists); red pen stains(editors), nicks and cuts (craftspeople, tool workers). I think this is a little overwrought, honestly--you know better than most what it live by one's (literal) handiwork, so I think if you simplified this and made it personal, connected it to what your hands do (which is what I think you were going for with words like "pearly" and "facets", it would come across more honestly, emotively. I think the last line is really good, very apt with regard to both memory and the act of creation.
Re: If she thinks if she believes by Prince of Void	ecargo 167.219.88.140	18-Jan-07/10:20 AM
I think you're too focused on Writing a Poeme instead of just honestly and simply writing. That's how pimple poems erupt. Cut it down. Give details. Name names. Point fingers--artfully. Even just simplifying this would give it more impact: If she thinks My love is based on lies She'll leave. My dreams will melt away. Not great, but better, I think. What do you know about her? What should we know? Sometimes just turning the focus away from you helps. Keep going!
Re: Curry Gives You The Shits by spank me baby yeah	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 63.212.164.24	18-Jan-07/3:56 PM
Never dine on ethnic foods. Kipling knew this only too well. I quote: Now, it is not good for the Christian’s health to hustle the Aryan brown, For the Christian riles, and the Aryan smiles, and he weareth the Christian down; And the end of the fight is a tombstone white, with the name of the late deceased, And the epitaph drear: ‘A fool lies here who tried to hustle the East.’
Re: The man who loved Lennon by Caducus	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	19-Jan-07/7:45 AM
I preferred Ringo.
Re: Holy Tits by Holy Tits	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	19-Jan-07/8:38 AM
Sexual, provocative and rather meaningful. It evokes the smell of sunlight and the dappled flowing of a drying stream. A tour de force.
Re: almost 12.30 by Dental Panic	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	19-Jan-07/8:44 AM
Powerful use of overture, with a fission of piquant denotation. It starts as a veritable romp around avenue failure before firting with the bridge of disaster only to be swept along by a torrent of unutterable excellence.
Re: Give it up Max by Stephen Robins	Dovina 208.127.72.15	19-Jan-07/8:53 AM
His behavior’s not ace Nor is his face He tugged on my muff But it’s sturdy enough What’s amazing to me Is he can’t find his 3.