-=SeTTle=-
on I Can Write A Wrong, But I Can't Right A Poem by horus8
18 Dec 2002, 2:55 PM
Guys you make me sad when you fight so.
The title is misspelled. I know I'm being snotty, but...it is.
LMAO! Cute, and I agree...way to many free flyin older peeps ;) Nice one
Love your poem hun, I'm pretty sure many could relate, Happy Holidays, and Good Luck with your writing! =)
indeed. it's not just the women, though.
Nice twist of the knife there!
Good revision
I really liked how you use the lines and line breaks:
"The smell of the oranges that mingle with the roses" - the entire line kind of mingles together. Or ending line 4 with young emphasizes how very young the kitten is.
I'm curious why you juxtaposed the different "ingredients" as you did. My feeling is that it would have been more powerful to mingle the taste of the wine, instead of what is a visual element of the sky, with the scent of oranges and roses. But like any recipe, I'm sure there is a basis for adding the ingredients in a certain order and you only find out the order is important when you try to change it.
My only real qualm is with "Now then." I don't like it. It's not adding to the poem. If you want the short line for rhythm's sake (though I think it reads fine without it) can you find something short that's meaning will "fill" the line?
Littered with bad grammar and spelling mistakes which sadly loses the reader from enjoying your work, flow interuption pisses people off on here, welcome to poemranker katie 2, help us to help ourselves this is the literary last supper for poets.
(re-edit and re-submit this and good luck on here.
This is your best rangerman and yogi likes it.
On stanza 3 you could change the last line slightly to 'Which way around would they be faced? (it rhymes and flows better)
Stanza 4 is a credit to you, I would've been pleased writing it.
Anyway as for not fully comprehending your work - worry not - as someone wise recently said on this site their is a certain magic, allurement to writing from the heart as it shows the characted of the poet as well as its subjects or subject. The last stanza is almost a poem on its own and the last stanza flows like wine at the last supper.
I have some suggestions for S2, they were merely reactionary thoughts after i had read yours.
She stands alone like one of stone
Buried deep in HALLOWED ground,
ASLEEP, FROM PRYING SOULS THAT GAZE THROUGH MORTAL WINDOWS,
UNDER THE WINGS OF THE CRYSTAL ANGEL,
SHE IS THE SOUND OF ITS WINGS,
FREE, FROM THE CONFINES OF DAY, OF NIGHT,
DESTINED TO BE SUNSHINE AND THE GLIMMER OF MOONLIGHT.
The lilting rain brings no more pain
To ears bereft of sound
Her wings caress AN abandoned nest
Caring for them 'till they're found,
And when, unchained,
LOVE CORONATES HER,
AND SHE IS ORDAINED, SHE IS FOUND
AND THE STANGLING VINES OF TIME have unwound.
(my version is in bold)
its hard to do this in this box.
anyway have an 8, its very good.
It went on one stanza too long. And the line "Its a gast of inpossible waves". "inpossible"? thats immcorrect. And what is gast? Otherwise, I love it. (Its very applicable to a current situation I'm in. For that... 99999999999999999999
line breaks, babycakes!
That Malcolm, kat's, got groove.-9
This kicks ass.
By the way I took your advice and wrote something happy its called 'Sawn off shotgun'
Marvellous
elude.