Doug
on Bugs by INTRANSIT
11 Jun 2004, 11:55 AM
pretty good job there INTRANSIT.
kind cool, almost clever.
"pome" is an affectation, not a misspelling. And my comment was directed toward Princess. Notice the similar use of tense in her comment and the pome I directed her to. Or, "to which I directed her" if it makes you feel better.
Lyrically, I have no problem. The language is tightly-wound and it sounds good. The issue I take, though, is more typographical in nature. The enjambment of the lines and that punctuation aren't doing anything for me, and I find it a little distracting to the point where it's detracting from my enjoyment of the piece.
It's called a Pantoum...
A very hard way to write a poem - I'm not suprised that this got a low rating. eh
smooth
Nice rhyme, very cute.
How is this a poem? Are you a mental retard?
Good gravy twice.
Very interesting structure. Cold and analytical. Chose better words.
'...seems to me.' is simply awful.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
'When one knows the truth it's easy to lie' Nice. You should work on this, it could be great.
I give it a -9- as a new age ballad. Less if forced to rank it as a love poem. I can hear Josh Groban singing these lines in duet with Celene Dion (Yanni on the piano & Kitaro on percussion).
Much.
umm..think same as god lady. but i also think the poems should end on the word shit. I like the poem though...it is defiant and kinda funny.
overdone. cut half of it.
deep but standart
Yes, yes!
and i must face the mirror