zodiac
on Epitaph by philn
7 May 2004, 5:23 AM
If ever a poem was in need of a good smacking, it's this one.
Sadly, I kinda like it. But have you ever seen an abyss?
The first stanza is too much - I daren't say over-written - but the second has a ring to it.
I have only one criticism. Could you have used a different phrase for being very tired? Perhaps dead tired instead of dog tired? I'm being picky, but I was continually hung up on the word "dog." Otherwise the poem is extremely well done, I agree with everyone elses comments... wonderful imagery.
One third rediculous, one sixth pointless, and half-vivid.
You have therefore earned yourself a -7-
"yet" can go.
Lots of twothree letter words in here... this could be very much distilled and made stronger, imho.
very well, then.
No other version as of yet. Yes, it is a regression. The thought is if I like the thought better, I will do a less regressed version of it. It was a ditty that came up while discussion some things with Aetius.
A. Where is the other version? Searched. Came up penniless.
B. Are you regressing to high school with the donut thing.
Good but not quite you, this time.
I am so relieved. Thank you.
some deleted user
on To Who Ever Wrote That Roller Coaster Poem... by Fear of Garbage
6 May 2004, 12:12 PM
Maybe it was "Loser" by Dan garcia-Black.
Funny how words can grow to meaning as I tinker with them, clay or mud. A new thing pops out of the mix sometimes. Good
Should that be "flow. Fall"? The last line is good, but I'd leave out "Everything and"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo
Safe!
"Hi!!"
(found it)
Phew - you can sleep easy. "Ol '55" was on Wait's Album "Closing Time" (1973)- The Eagles did a cover of it on "On The Border" (1974). Track 7 :)