Shuushin
on Prize gained life, Death in wages by GTK
5 Feb 2004, 8:56 PM
close.
see you then.
certainly.
For the line, "Well, it's the Tannenbaum's lawn now", I'd suggest getting rid of 'well' and 'it's' and the parenthesis, which make it chatty in a way that bugs me here. In fact, that whole stanza is unnecessary. It adds nothing, but allows a couple of cheap lines to creep in (see lastobelus's note). The next stanza too, could be pared down, the lines shortened and tightened up. You could characterize Jackie in one short line (I see clacking bracelets somehow) and that would help a lot. I know you're trying to keep a breezy chatty style, and I know why. But I think it hurts. The language could be familiar and still poetic. The last stanza powerhouse. It's too strong to come after the rest. You should let it (and st.1) set the tone and voice for the middle. That's about all I can think of. And yes, I got your email.
I like the si.l5 thing. Either one is fine. Heaney's serviceable - could be better; but he sure knows quiet. I think quiet is as underexploited in poetry as melodrama is overexploited. Speaking of quiet, I finally got to watch Lost in Translation with my wife. It's got to be the quietest movie made since movie's started having sound. And it's easily in the top 5 movies I've seen in the last couple of years. My wife thinks so too. She about orgasms for Scarlett Johanssen.
"I'm starting a publishing company, and I'd be interested in publishing" - will you wait and publish me posthumously? it's better for both of us that way.
Nah, seriously - the list morphs hither and thither.
And thank you.
I still think this is fucking brilliant.
When the things turn new. And when we are respectful.
Because you damn well better be respectful of The Things. ESPECIALLY when they're turning new.
No.
dude, banal? dull? I read this pome six fucking times. Then I came back 3 days later and read it three more times. I don't even read my own goddamn pomes that many times.
he means he identifies with the narrator so he wants it changed to make him sound nobler to himself.
you have no rosebushes & the wheelbarrow's broken. Write something new.
you are funny.
<{Baba^Yaga}>
on Necromancers Song (Incubus Guitar & Buddhist Drums) by SupremeDreamer
5 Feb 2004, 5:03 PM
also, you, I have a mission for you young one, e mail me at horus8j@yahoo.com
I'm sorry, but this hilarious, and really weird in a sort of a surreal dramatic way? huh... well, you certainly surprised me, I was wondering, I'm starting a publishing company, and I'd be interested in publishing your work, please e mail me for further information. horus8j@yahoo.com
Thankyou.
and you're sweet, you guys inspire me even more. glad to be sorrounded by great poets...cheers to poetry...i still beleive in its power to charge the world...the way the ancient ones did before!
yes, your rhyming scheme has a name! Though I'm not sure if the rhythm scheme is also encompassed by that name.
You'll have to dig out the name from my comment yourself :P
hey andrew thank you very much...that was very objective i'll put that in consideration...you're great
wow!...thanks a lot. I feel totally inspired by you and all of the wonderful comments. All the while i thought i'd be a lonely frustrated poet all my life. And somehow all of you guys realy gave life to aspiring poets like me. I hope more and more people would embrace poetry and change the world with their works...the way the ancient poet did before. Have a great poetic life!