Patsy
on The back of a shovel? by horus8
18 Jan 2004, 10:46 PM
writing from real life?
Come on then - every poet since Ovid (at least) wrote Weltschmerz. If you give it a good title, no one will know any better. And don't call me dear fellow. It makes me feel unnatural. Like I should be wearing a pince-nez in an Oscar Wilde play. And besides... ugh. I sound like everyone who criticized me when I was fresh into college and showing off my newly-acquired brains with some witty oh-so-erudite poesie. And yes, I called it poesie then. I don't want to be the enemy (which I thought they were,) and if I have to be, I want to do it more sensitively and sincerely than they did (which I'm not.) That's why you're getting three pages of criticism from me tonight. You remind me of me, back when I wouldn't have listened to me-now any more than you will now, I imagine. I don't know what you must think of people who say stuff like this to you. How about this - answer seriously, what are your intentions for this poetry? That'll do me for tonight.
God, it seems like all I've done is complain about posts today. It's not that. It's just that it's easier but maybe not better to get the compliments out of the way and get to the suggestions. So - it's good. I just got hung up on 'till instead of until and the word 'thing' in the end. Anything but thing and you could be Elizabeth Bishop and a bag of chips.
Son of dad is the only good part. Do you mind if I steal it for a garage-band name?
I like this better than the other one, the winter one. Actually, I like it quite a bit. The "her skirted knees" line is especially good. Also "history is unneeded details that history of / a one apart watching that one part / missing" is clever and not too poetish. And "I know you, etc." for the end. In fact, I don't think the last stanza (after the break) is necessary. It's stronger ending at the ellipses without the ocean image - very capital-R Romantic and anticlimactic. Also, punctuation: continuously abnormal or missing punctuation is nothing new or useful or particularly well-liked in poetry. Look at your favorite writers (unless you're some e.e.cummings holdout or something) and you'll see they all use more-or-less normal sentence punctuation. So you're bold and different. I can promise you: no one's going to appreciate it - sadly. They'll hold it against you. A lot like this. It'll hurt you (like this) and make you feel that they've missed the bigger picture (like this.) Is that what you want? You have a good sound a lot of the time - mostly when you're not slipping into fake Keats-n-Shelley diction and imagery, like the 'bowers' in the other poem. I'd like to see you play around with your voice some. Maybe write fewer big-P 'Poems' and more - I don't know, 'stuff.' Remember Wordsworth: 'incidents and situations from common life... in a selection of language REALLY used by men...' I don't think he always succeeded, but it's what I still aim for every time. Good luck - I mean it, from a former fellow-capital-R Romantic.
The title is because, although I may be more facile with words than the average teenager, the actual content of the pome is standard pimple pome Weltschmerz.
Coleridge? Quite unintentional, dear fellow. The only Coleridge I've read are the two big ones, when I was perhaps 15.
Pome is an affectation. It means, don't worry I don't actually take myself (or anyone else) (too) seriously.
It's lacking, poetically. It tells rather than showing. I like that you know what you're saying but at the same time I'd rather the words illustrated instead of just plonking down their meaning.
Is it just freeverse? I didn't understand the catergory of "concrete" - maybe I should read a few more.
I appreciate the encouragement, very much so, but as Horus did point out, sometimes it's more complimentary to offer constructive critcisms. I need both.
The poem was good, but this comment ranks a 4. Copped word for word from the worst of Coleridge's prose. And you misspelled poem, which always bothers me. I'm not a spelling nitpicker, but how do you type the name of this site?
I like this except for the title, which doesn't have much to do with the poem anyway (at least not as I read it.) I googled (and poetry anthologied) "endless angst" and "stingest" to see if it was a reference to something and only came up with cheesy teenage weblogs. And I'm confused about the lizards. But I agree with everyone who says the last three lines are amazing.
fair enough
It is not just about getting it. From the first image of mushrooms I got it. You could have stopped there.
However you carried on and tried to build up a picture which is good. Unfortunately there were too many metaphors pulling the reader about.
Personally I like this and applaud the imagination. But you have to be wary that to get anywhere you will encounter poetry purists who insist on better organisation.
What goad says is correct, and comes from himself spending months being flogged in the eratosphere.
The first 3/4 verses are good, the end just degenerates.
Your last one about gayness was too clumsy and didactic.
This one is really good, the tone, much more thoughtful.
what a strange world you live in???
I thought everyone would get this. It's about wanting to be 'found' as a writer. And maybe it's all the Whitman I had to read last week, but now I'm thinking, screw 'em. When we're ready (and by we, I definitely include the present company of fellow fungi -) when we spring to the surface like mushrooms, fully formed, we're going to mop the earth with them. Just watch.
Too many if onlys' in our lives and i figured this would do justice to one of them in some of yours.
I think its good....very....actually
Eh