sliver
on Foolish by Katzclear
9 Nov 2003, 11:36 AM
Try not to need too much, it leaves you open to pain.
A little young for all that raw emotion aren't you? Good read.
Paper bags don't help in the matter of political dissimilarity. Are you talking about physical dissimilarity? It kind of works if you are going for a racial message, you know the preintegration history is that doormen at clubs used to hold up a brown paper bag next to a person of African origin, and if they were lighter than the bag, they could enter the club.
It's just gonna get deeper. Good poem, I enjoyed it.
The oven isn't quite unused if you just made TV dinners, is it? I would allude to the smell of the TV dinners in the oven, "the mixed stink of Hungry Man meatloaf/potatoes/corn/brownie" to show that your narrator is serious enough to open the oven. I wouldn't toy around with train suicide stuff, see my poem "body image" for a fictionalized example of a true story. You know, it throws me off a little that there is no reason given for the suicide ideation, but maybe the reasons for suicide don't work for poetry because they seem too cliche. If this narrator is actually you, as a clinical social worker, I would recommend that you try to find someone to talk to about this stuff. It is usually difficult to get away from that kind of thinking alone, but it seems like you want to, or you wouldn't have told the poemranker audience about "your" (if it is your) suicidal thinking.
Reads well, but the theme is a little ubiquitous.
Is that you reading all my crap?
Start saving so yew ken by a knew bord
Through not threw and snapped not snaped.
Could be sheared of redundancies like 'I have to wait'.
Other than that a good effort
I liked it all except "windows of her soul", even though "soul" went with Black and soil. Maybe you could work in soul without the cliche.
Good luck w/it
Read my poems about dogs retard. this poem is almost as rejected as nun jokes.
-0-
and don't try and talk to me
Any better this way?
need an apostrophe in "we're" in stanza 2, line 1. I noticed how the first stanza was telling the "you" of the good to come, like the narrator was rescuing the "you", but then in the second stanza, it was apparent that the narrator, too, planned to get something out of the relationship when you wrote "and you there with me" instead of "and me there with you".
The last stanza seems to be about "you" again, because you say "fulfillment of your needs". This confusion added some depth to a title and subject that was dangerously close to the cliche. I wonder if you meant to do it, and if so, if you could make it more pronounced?
Look fucktard: why the fuck are you telling me what you mean by PERSONAL writes? What the fuck has that got to do with anything? Where in Sodomy did I say anything that suggested I was somehow distorting your idea of what constituted a PERSONAL write? Where have I been "too slow to catch your drift"? What the hell are you on about?
The issue at hand is that you posted your PERSONAL writes on a public poetry ranking website, so one can only assume you want people to tell you what they think of them. In truth, you don't want to know what people think of them - you just want people to say they like them. Perhaps there should be another poeme category - next to "Pimple" - called "Personal". "Personal" writes are deemed to be above all scrutiny, and any ranker who reads said "Personal" write is obliged to post either a single, laudatory comment or nothing at all. What to you think about that, fucknut?
You've written a great poem, very touching.
Interesting, but it seemed handicapped by arbitrary line breaks and the incessant capitalization of the beginning word of each line (damn the default "help" of word processing programs). For example, you made a choice, I assume, to not capitalize "lord", but then toward the end, lord was capitalized because it happened to fall as the first word of a line.
Interesting twist to identify with the upright tree instead of the willow (especially in the willow's weather worn-ness), which most poets would probably prefer.
Nope. not much older at all. not even a year.