Christof
on Fighting erosion by INTRANSIT
13 May 2003, 4:21 AM
Good to see you at number 12, couldn't happen to a nicer guy. And in this poem you've really let yourself go ans surpassed yourself. The sounds are brilliant, the mystery deep and the feeling of the earth is strong and elemental. Really, this is great.
This is more like it - a really singular poem, full of arresting images and visceral description. Your feelings of disgust and betrayal are palpable. Love the 'palsied old man'. Brilliant stuff
This would be great as prose, as it is the rhymes just make it all seem bathetic (the best lines are those where the boy reads Hemingway and the mother holds him close - non-rhyming and rhythmically perfect). The chess image is an interesting one which supports the theme of power.
I think i agree with poet andknowit, there's soemthing too highly-wrought about this. i think if it relaxed more there would be more tnederness to it; as it is, it plays like a very artificial masquerade of love's conventions. Individual lines I like very much ('Alive in something sacred' is great) but altogether I feel it's too forced and sometimes melodramatic (our names carved in a diseased sycamore/ Memories never felt this cruel before' - further weakened by the facile rhyme). But there is something real here which I think you uncover elsewhere ('The Blooding').
I'd like to submit something soon but I have the mother of all writer's blocks! Just nothing is coming out at the moment that I would want to put out for other people to read. This always happens to me - six months on, a year off. Does it happen to anyone else?
Very lucid and I'm sure rewarding.
What if you said "that's a promise motherfucker" don't you feel that would be more poignant?
This is a great poem i think you should exhibit some of your other stuff as well... Your a great writer, i never knew you had stuff on this site. Well i hope you add to your poems id love to read others. ~Savannah~
Not to shabby, nice work (8)
When you were at the MENSA center proving your Masonic doctrine on doctrines legitimate did you play pocket pool while staring at small underdeveloped asian breasts while listening to Sigh? Because witch, I'm impressed.
You haven't just let richa down, nolan. And you haven't just let me down... You've let yourself down. And I'm not just talking about some sort of shallow, superficial let down - like when you let yourself down by turning up to an interview wearing nothing but a small, round telescope made out of plastic udders. No... I'm afraid your problem isn't quite so straightforward as that. You've really let yourself down quite badly, and I am extremely disappointed in you. For the love of Christ, please try harder next time. Thanks.
Ranger - I had problems editing at one point & posted a poem without a title - so nothing shows up for two of them. crap! And I think I deleted one of your comments. I am losing it. D'oh.
Jeremi B. Handrinos
replying on The band "Sigh" aced their MENSA tests by Jeremi B. Handrinos
12 May 2003, 12:14 PM
Probably because I wanted to say "Maybe your face, but not mine" therefore, I did. See how that works? I didn't say "No, you" or "go away" because those are two ridiculously impossible statements from your brain not mine, fuckling. Get it.
sorry if there were too little ideas, but i actually based this on an experience i once had when i convinced myself i was insane. i can't remember all the reasons why i believed that, but these are my mental notes on what happened. i create poetry based on my feelings and my feelings had no more ideas.. sorry i let you down
yes I like the tone of the haiku, seems to work with the sentiment.
Also its reasoning is very succinct
not your best but still good and a message of hope that i liked 8
Thank you for pointing that out I had one too many brandys last night but have corrected to thr 5-7-5 format.
God Bless you Sir
You limp cack.