Caducus
on The Darkness Without You by Bonehiss
15 Nov 2002, 1:20 AM
Was just getting into it, and it ended prematurely, needs more ooomphh
let me know when you've written for your ma, I'd wanna read it.
Pleased I pleased -thanks
Ok Bachus, the armchair is yours, I'll even throw in the Doritos and series 4 of baywatch.
and thanks for your cmnts
right!?try....laying on the freeway and counting differential gears...works every time.7.
next.
next.
no, and if we did? what would you do then...eat the blue pill and join dogstar with mr. reeves? why does a bum shopping cart the recycling bin...if there's no hope...to buy dope to cope? nay...to tongue hole the flat pop...before the ants do.
i'm going to give you a nine on this...be proud..i normally tear the fuck out of everybody just out of sheer distemperment. why? hardcore denial my friend, and alot lot more...this made me care about life again on certain levels, and i choose to cover the girls name at the bottom, replace it with mine, and pretend it was a note to me from someone who held me along time ago....but no more is that...no more...is me. 9. boo-hoo. col! lol! col!dol!bol!wol!
poetry is one colective though...at least that's how eye see it...the poems are written in my book of poetry and they are all together...just spaced out...so the dot dot dot...just implies continuation of thought...and so eye go...dot dot dot...
I keep reading this and I think it deserves exaltation beyond p/r.
I'm on the posi-side here. And another vote for (derelict peace). I want to write something like this for my mom, I'm just not ready yet. Fab read indeed.
Gimmicky, but I suupose it's supposed to be. The rhythm and stanza length are uneven and could use some work. Amusing rhymes, definitely.
This kind of vague in theme. It is a good base, but there are too many different points going on here. I would advise that you break this up into two or maybe three poems, and develop in more detail each theme separately.
I like it, Cdcs. I would, however, like to see wenches associated with more positive elements than 'stench', perhaps 'wymyn's wenchly winsome wyles and wunnerful quenching...' something, something; they deserve it. Not sure about 'derelict peace'.
Lnshdw, even this sort of poetry should probably steer clear of the word 'nothingness'. Makes me wonder why we don't have the word 'somethingness'.
no, no. "what eye feel on paper" implies jabbing the paper directly into the eye.
the last line is an aside that is not in tune with the rest of the poem, which is vivid and alive.
sounds lyric, more so
well no wonder he writes like that. you would too, with all that hydrous oxide in yer veins.