on Do you fit in-to the dark? by Hostileintent
14 Oct 2006, 10:46 AM
Better in the edit. "some-what" can lose the -
on Do you fit in-to the dark? by Hostileintent
14 Oct 2006, 10:34 AM
"deed" = "deep"?
"known or unknown" is wordy, why not leave it out. Actually, I think "Have you ever travelled / on your own /To some place known" is a good start.
"known or unknown" is wordy, why not leave it out. Actually, I think "Have you ever travelled / on your own /To some place known" is a good start.
on Gilded Lily by drnick
14 Oct 2006, 10:42 AM
I like the appearance of "Lily" near the end. But why in quotes? The mis-grammar is so consistent that I see it's intentional. By half way through this, I get the style of it, which was confusing at first. I think it's a style that would take either a long poem or a series of poems to make sense of.
on weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22
12 Oct 2006, 7:58 PM
The 3-line verse,(verse 4?) would make a stronger beginning, preceending the beginning/end philosophy, I think. Then in the middle it gets a bit wordy, but comes back near the end to the wolf and a surprise ending.
on My heart belongs to you by creepshow
13 Oct 2006, 3:41 PM
Lines like "infinite lies" tell us you have not yet settled upon what you want to say.
on Innocence revisited by Caducus
5 Oct 2006, 7:36 AM
I read "wasted on from desire" as "wasted on desire." Go figure. And try "virginal body yard." Hey, it beats "vaginal."
on some deleted poem
2 Oct 2006, 4:02 PM
Wow. This is long and funky. I'll have to get back to it.
on I've thought a lot by MacFrantic
4 Oct 2006, 9:39 AM
Yes, I'm hearing you! And seeing through a little more shadow toward what I cannot see. To aim at communication in poetry is to aim too low. To think we know what to aim for is the silliness of a child as seen by an adult.
Oh, they will tell you you are telling, not showing. Let them rant. This is good!
Oh, they will tell you you are telling, not showing. Let them rant. This is good!
on Figid Rrigid by Hostileintent
11 Oct 2006, 7:07 PM
Form aside, (what does it matter?)it's a good observation, but what does "punctual" and "newer" have to do with it?
on forest morning by fiefofum
11 Oct 2006, 7:11 PM
an unusual and interesting form, not quite working yet.
on Islands by helenwales
9 Oct 2006, 4:27 PM
The opening metaphor could work, I think, if you held true to the beginning. But islands that slip, past and future divided, uniqueness to just your lives, dreamed - these things don't seem to work.
on Peter by Wakeboarder20
5 Oct 2006, 10:08 AM
It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do
but did all the same." A good take on the story.
This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
but did all the same." A good take on the story.
This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
7 Oct 2006, 12:37 PM
If you are using commas at line ends, then use them wherever needed, at the end of line 2, for example. The grammar in verse 2 has some problem. After that I stopped counting and just read.
I like the way ending thoughts lead to starting thoughts and back to the weather.
I like the way ending thoughts lead to starting thoughts and back to the weather.
on love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
7 Oct 2006, 12:41 PM
No it doesn't
on Dead Inside by drnick
10 Oct 2006, 1:38 PM
Punctuation and grammar detract from a good start. It's really all one sentence.
on Caveat by MacFrantic
10 Oct 2006, 1:43 PM
It's the kind of thing that needs a steady rhythm to carry it. Mostly, you've done that, but Verse 2, for example, might go like this or somesuch:
Once every morning
And twice before bed
I empty the old
thoughts from my head
Always you'll find me
Just pacing my room
Wandering and wondering
About what you think
Once every morning
And twice before bed
I empty the old
thoughts from my head
Always you'll find me
Just pacing my room
Wandering and wondering
About what you think
on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT
10 Oct 2006, 7:20 PM
I think it's about having blood drawn. Okay, but it'd be stronger to say so. The notebook analogy is good. Then in the cantina I lose the metaphor, but like the thought.
on To My Love by Lola
11 Oct 2006, 10:20 AM
I would question whether "no promises" weakens this love, and conflicts with "never-ending."
on some deleted poem
11 Oct 2006, 10:18 AM
The opening suggests you know more than you're letting on - wanker (have you been wanked under another name? Rancour (does that make you Bitish?) A poem about poemranker isn't novel, but the fence is and the xy plane. "ref-e-rence" - is that to rhyme with fence? (if so, a cheap shot) Kind of a ramble, isn't it, an interesting style.