on Students by Blue Magpie
14 Jun 2005, 2:24 PM
I like the first 5 lines. Then it gets too much caught up in form and etherial meaninglessness.
on Make Love to Me by drumrgirl30
17 Jun 2005, 8:02 PM
Omit "so much" from Verse 3 and this is pretty good.
on Impeccable mess by sk8rs_rule_all
16 Jun 2005, 12:44 PM
"impeccable mess" says a lot. The rest of the poem wanders.
on Between the Edges by woodstock20000
16 Jun 2005, 12:47 PM
Good!
on Sisyphus' wife by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
16 Jun 2005, 12:36 PM
The first verse makes a clever point, but could do so in half the words. Lines 3-5 are almost repeats.
Verse 2 is good up to "tryingto" and "bitches (bitch's) brew"
Verse 2 is good up to "tryingto" and "bitches (bitch's) brew"
on some deleted poem
16 Jun 2005, 12:57 PM
I'm hoping I am not wrong in thinking the above comments have missed the good thing you mean by this. "Do not cry for these whores, for they have cast the first stone." Much of your poetry can go either way, and I'm giving you the benefit.
Chas Lotter wrote:
"Above me shines a Judas moon
Its malevolent rays
Poking through the fleshless arms of a burnout tree
A soldier hates the swollen moon.
He hates the open ground."
Chas Lotter wrote:
"Above me shines a Judas moon
Its malevolent rays
Poking through the fleshless arms of a burnout tree
A soldier hates the swollen moon.
He hates the open ground."
on some deleted poem
16 Jun 2005, 6:42 PM
I see you trying to rise above the slovenly souls around you - the point is well made. If I didn't like the attempt, I'd say nothing and go on to the next poem.
First, it's rather important to write accurately with respect to numbers. When you say,"turning their mind cold" it's like chalk screaching on the blackboard. When you say "Man strives to be best / They force each other down" that's disagreement in numbers, and it irritates.
Next, there is disagreement in purpose. When you say "Mankind will not surpass itself / They will never be free" that kind of disagrees with your point, which is that at least one man, you, can and will.
Finally, I'll point out arrogance. Yes, I know that hurts, but it's there. When you say, "Yet alone I remain standing tall" you say that there is nobody else as good as you, which I do not believe you believe.
So, you've got potential, but some needed cleanup.
First, it's rather important to write accurately with respect to numbers. When you say,"turning their mind cold" it's like chalk screaching on the blackboard. When you say "Man strives to be best / They force each other down" that's disagreement in numbers, and it irritates.
Next, there is disagreement in purpose. When you say "Mankind will not surpass itself / They will never be free" that kind of disagrees with your point, which is that at least one man, you, can and will.
Finally, I'll point out arrogance. Yes, I know that hurts, but it's there. When you say, "Yet alone I remain standing tall" you say that there is nobody else as good as you, which I do not believe you believe.
So, you've got potential, but some needed cleanup.
on word splatter by nentwined
17 Jun 2005, 4:36 PM
What did she see that brought forth a welling of bile?
Or is the bile figurative for what you saw?
In either case - yuck - why the last line?
Or is the bile figurative for what you saw?
In either case - yuck - why the last line?
on Naughty Poems (R) by untamed_fierce
17 Jun 2005, 10:25 AM
These are very funny! Did you write all of them; some seem familiar, but I'm not accusing you of anything, could be that they are just the kind of thing I've heard before.
on Special Place by untamed_fierce
17 Jun 2005, 10:27 AM
It has such a nice rhythm that the lines which don't really stand out.
on Love by untamed_fierce
17 Jun 2005, 10:29 AM
rockmage is worng. Nevertheless, this is a weak or incomplete poem.
on some deleted poem
17 Jun 2005, 10:36 AM
Without your comments I would not have known what you meant. This has been true of several of your poems. For me, at least, more clarity and less poetic license would make a better poem.
on When the muse calls. by darby pyn
17 Jun 2005, 10:32 AM
Not a poem, but some good thoughts that could be made into a poem.
on some deleted poem
17 Jun 2005, 12:24 PM
People usually kick and scream when I nit-pic the lines of their poems. Hope you're not like that.
"fate coached him into twilight life" is a poetic line that tells little about Jeffrey at a time in the poem when development of the character is key.
"hello'ed familiars, smiled at strangers" is out of sync with "to bask." Should be "'hello' familiars, smile at strangers" I think.
"his laugh so like uncle Royâs" introduces a new character and distracts the reader from understanding Jeffrey.
The last verse is good and would have wrapped it up nicely if only I'd known.
"fate coached him into twilight life" is a poetic line that tells little about Jeffrey at a time in the poem when development of the character is key.
"hello'ed familiars, smiled at strangers" is out of sync with "to bask." Should be "'hello' familiars, smile at strangers" I think.
"his laugh so like uncle Royâs" introduces a new character and distracts the reader from understanding Jeffrey.
The last verse is good and would have wrapped it up nicely if only I'd known.
on Confused Love by Damien
17 Jun 2005, 12:30 PM
This is a good theme that could be a good poem. As it is you have an outline for a poem
on Judgement by penguin fiend
17 Jun 2005, 8:14 PM
Leave "that" out of the second line and this is good.
on grin and stand by celticskatermatt1
19 Jun 2005, 6:50 PM
In addition to spelling, please reconsider "firey eyes." Otherwise a pretty good expression of teen awe.
on Contemplation by raiyna
19 Jun 2005, 6:57 PM
zodiac: I thought your new and more constructive criticism, which you introduced in the last month or so, would preclude giving a 10 with no comment,and especially giving a 10 when you probably don't mean it. I think a poet receiving a 10 or a 0 always deserves some comment.
As for the poem, it expresses personal feelings in a not-very-poetic way. Needs to be shortened and the line spacing does noit help.
As for the poem, it expresses personal feelings in a not-very-poetic way. Needs to be shortened and the line spacing does noit help.
on White Stork by Blue Magpie
19 Jun 2005, 7:11 PM
Storks are elegant birds, and lore's attached significance makes them seem more elegant; but your point gets lost in the form and even reduces them to "simple" bird.
A few line edits:
Reality's rivers
clasped hands
troubled soul
as he journeys