on As the Flowers Bloom by nothingtoanyone
7 Jun 2005, 5:30 PM
Are you a drone in love with a female worker. They have no interest in the likes of you as they bring home the nectar while you loaf about the hive.
on Chthonic Steppenwolf by SupremeDreamer
7 Jun 2005, 5:41 PM
Good, but words like mordant, cicatrize and chthonic are off-putting when familiar words will do.
"Child spirit ripped apart, splayed across the rocks of time" - good line
"Child spirit ripped apart, splayed across the rocks of time" - good line
on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy
7 Jun 2005, 5:45 PM
Very good up to the last verse. I'd end it with "Kids are easy to kill." When you get preachy, it loses a lot of force.
on some deleted poem
9 Jun 2005, 7:49 PM
Written a bit crudely, as if by a junkie, which may be appropriate.
on lawngazing by skaskowski
9 Jun 2005, 8:03 PM
The first verse is perfect.
Second verse can be taken so many ways thet I wish it were more directed.
Third verse is good, but when I try to relate it to the first, I come up wanting.
Overall, I like this kind of poem.
Second verse can be taken so many ways thet I wish it were more directed.
Third verse is good, but when I try to relate it to the first, I come up wanting.
Overall, I like this kind of poem.
on A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus
10 Jun 2005, 10:56 AM
This starts our really good.
I don't know what you mean by the slabs rolling, or why she still looked 20.
Verse 3 is great.
Verse 4 is good. "wood" must refer to her cane.
Verse 5 is a bit strange, and kissing on shadows of the lost - well, I see you relating to the old couple as you imaging aging with your lover, but it could be better said.
I don't know what you mean by the slabs rolling, or why she still looked 20.
Verse 3 is great.
Verse 4 is good. "wood" must refer to her cane.
Verse 5 is a bit strange, and kissing on shadows of the lost - well, I see you relating to the old couple as you imaging aging with your lover, but it could be better said.
on some deleted poem
10 Jun 2005, 11:04 AM
This is a good read even if I don't follow the story. Some good lines and some funny lines. Second to last verse is good. Sometimes I wish you would tell us a little more about what you speak of. Maybe I don't want to know. Overall fun to read.
on Missing by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
10 Jun 2005, 11:16 AM
First verse is good. But then it gets wordy and convoluted in places. "I watch you and wonder to myself" for example - is there any way to wonder besides to yourself? And what is this "darkness engulfing me"? Still, the poem has potential.
on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy
13 Jun 2005, 3:23 PM
The last verse is better now, but look at the grammar and spelling.
desecration abound (number disagreement)
There are more bodies (There are - not needed)
snapping THIER necks.
desecration abound (number disagreement)
There are more bodies (There are - not needed)
snapping THIER necks.
on some deleted poem
13 Jun 2005, 3:32 PM
It's a touching story, especially the last verse. The first verse is hard to decipher.
on A Hallmark Card for You (With Love) by Bluemonkey
13 Jun 2005, 3:34 PM
I'm trying to think of someone I might send this to, and coming up blank.
on some deleted poem
13 Jun 2005, 4:09 PM
I'll hold off saying why I'm laughing. For now, I'll just take exception to "togetherness that was never there to begin with" as meaningless.
I like the spacing.
I like the spacing.
on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic
13 Jun 2005, 4:15 PM
Drop the first line.
Second verse is good.
Second verse is good.
on Flamingo's Stare by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
13 Jun 2005, 4:18 PM
I think you could say this better with the restraints of haiku.
on I Wrote A Poem by Blue Magpie
13 Jun 2005, 4:22 PM
Like Dr. Seuss. The ending is weak.
on Youth Spent by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
14 Jun 2005, 9:52 AM
It has some good lines, but overall it's too mushy for my taste. "love so clean so void of emptiness" seems disingenuous.
on some deleted poem
14 Jun 2005, 10:00 AM
The rhythm moves it along. The : is distracting. The dream is eerie.