on Beating heart by celticskatermatt1
10 Feb 2005, 8:04 AM
Good up through line 3, except for spelling. After that it gets trite.
on A Metahaiku by dbond
10 Feb 2005, 8:06 AM
What's kigo?
on Ann & Dan & I by Goad
6 Feb 2005, 9:14 PM
Terrible, but funny.
on Lust, and the Sad Soul by woodstock20000
7 Feb 2005, 1:31 PM
Verse 2 is good because it first presumes an imortal soul, then with the word "would" casts doubt.
Verse 3 is weak, for the cliche "to and fro," and for its bland wording.
Verse 3 is weak, for the cliche "to and fro," and for its bland wording.
on Sins of your father by poodietat
7 Feb 2005, 1:45 PM
Almost too direct and pointed to be called a poem. Still, you got the point accross loudly. Not bad.
on Winged Victory by REWellman
8 Feb 2005, 7:21 AM
From some story about an angel on a rock that I don't know. How we try to keep our stories in stone.
on Family Portrait by woodstock20000
8 Feb 2005, 2:25 PM
Very clear and direct. A good picture. I would scratch the last two lines to give the reader more to ponder, less to be told.
on some deleted poem
9 Feb 2005, 2:07 PM
If you proofread this, which aparently you didn't, you'll find all sorts of spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes. But the biggest mistake is the ending, which some young depressed fool might read and take just enough encouragement from to do it.
on Epitaph of Innocence by woodstock20000
9 Feb 2005, 2:11 PM
Nonsense! The world is not lost as you say. 0 for content, 5 for poetic form.
on The Sleep Fantastic by nentwined
10 Feb 2005, 7:56 AM
You're being imbic with a myth-like tale. But in a few places you sacrifice clarity for it. In Line 6, I thought "was" is distracting. And if being imbic is important, then why the lapse in Veres 3. Line 3? Like it.
on some deleted poem
10 Feb 2005, 8:01 AM
You've got a good flow going until the last verse. I like what it says, but rhythm seems to falter in the last two lines, and the rhyme is not exact.
on Wedding Poem by al-naafiysh
9 Feb 2005, 2:01 PM
Why do you say, "My goal is . . ." in verse 4, giving a way out, when you don't in the others?
"perfect union" is impossible and weakens the aparently possible committments.
"them" in the last verse is a bit nebulous, and I wonder why you even include this verse.
on some deleted poem
10 Feb 2005, 8:07 AM
Why did you post this twice under different titles?
on some deleted poem
10 Feb 2005, 1:12 PM
Your Middle-aged Penis (Sagging verse) by Dovina
Limp like a worm,
Which has been blown,
By a gap toothed,
Old crone.
Your penis is soft,
Having recently shed,
Its last sperm, sickly sour,
Over my pristine bed.
Your penis casts about,
In the throws of male menopause,
Looking as redundant,
As your saggy gut.
A bulging, empty sack,
Now hangs below,
Disgusting strangers eyes,
Every avenue seems shut
But
Despair no longer sir,
Of a middle aged disposition,
Be-seat your waddling thighs,
And consider my proposition.
I will gladly rent,
The space between your legs,
There's surely ample room,
Now you've shed all your sperm!
A penis can command,
If you'll listen to my advice,
A startlingly expensive,
Nay, exorbitant, market price.
With a little advertising,
I can guarantee,
Youâll soon see your penis,
As your biggest possibility
As escort to where the action is.
Limp like a worm,
Which has been blown,
By a gap toothed,
Old crone.
Your penis is soft,
Having recently shed,
Its last sperm, sickly sour,
Over my pristine bed.
Your penis casts about,
In the throws of male menopause,
Looking as redundant,
As your saggy gut.
A bulging, empty sack,
Now hangs below,
Disgusting strangers eyes,
Every avenue seems shut
But
Despair no longer sir,
Of a middle aged disposition,
Be-seat your waddling thighs,
And consider my proposition.
I will gladly rent,
The space between your legs,
There's surely ample room,
Now you've shed all your sperm!
A penis can command,
If you'll listen to my advice,
A startlingly expensive,
Nay, exorbitant, market price.
With a little advertising,
I can guarantee,
Youâll soon see your penis,
As your biggest possibility
As escort to where the action is.
on some deleted poem
10 Feb 2005, 1:19 PM
There's a lot of truth in "the idea of not knowing everything could scare people into believing anything."
That last line - don't like it.
That last line - don't like it.
on An intolerable rash brother by Crakyamuni
11 Feb 2005, 11:50 AM
Do you mean "Cortizone" the drug, which I might have misspelled?
weeped should be "wept" in this context I think.
The soul of satin, a female, who brought home the bacon causes wonderment on whether this is about Jesus, God, or your real brother. "We'll teach you to swallow" is good.
weeped should be "wept" in this context I think.
The soul of satin, a female, who brought home the bacon causes wonderment on whether this is about Jesus, God, or your real brother. "We'll teach you to swallow" is good.
on CUPID by al-naafiysh
11 Feb 2005, 3:12 PM
Aint nothin' so good as luve!
A few too many words, I think. Here's what I'd do:
Line 5 - scratch "One that has"
Line 6 - scratch "being on"
Line 8 - scatch "within" and change "cause" to "'cause"
A few too many words, I think. Here's what I'd do:
Line 5 - scratch "One that has"
Line 6 - scratch "being on"
Line 8 - scatch "within" and change "cause" to "'cause"
on some deleted poem
11 Feb 2005, 3:19 PM
Good line: "Their well-thought-out plan Of giving birth to a slave." But I think "mere presence of time" does injustice to the process of coming to this realization. Prose Poem perhaps, not Pimple.