on Polyurethane by Fear of Garbage
23 Jul 2003, 3:10 PM
"money, airbag, scrapbook" okay! I likey. Not sure of the "sick/sorry/sad"...seems like the slashes break it weirdly. 9
on Nonentities by scitz
20 Jun 2003, 2:43 AM
2nd line should have 7 for haiku? I heart line 1. 7
on some deleted poem
5 May 2003, 1:58 PM
Any poem with "bougainvillea" in it is good for me. Way good.
on some deleted poem
7 Oct 2003, 3:07 PM
I like it that you spelled Michelangelo incorrectly - it adds to the whole nonconformist aura.
on The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus
28 Jul 2004, 12:06 AM
Intriguing and yessir, I like it. Kind of ambivalent about "you lost me at 'c'" - reminds me of Jerry Maguire unfortunately..."You had me at 'hello'"... Lose the 2 commas, the rest is gravy. 8.
on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
28 Jul 2004, 12:08 AM
"Putty" doesn't need capitalization. Love "tank tops and yoga pants." Also, try it without the ellipese after the "Now"s.
on The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus
28 Jul 2004, 12:10 AM
Also, I love the title.
on Johnny Depp by Rilke4ClosetLesbians
8 Jul 2004, 10:22 PM
Johnny can 21 jump street me anytime. nice.
on some deleted poem
22 Mar 2004, 11:58 AM
Love the 4th stanza. Maybe in the in the 3rd stanza, omit "and" in "and the leaf and the litter."
on Beah Richards by Jeremi B. Handrinos
22 Mar 2004, 12:04 PM
This is great - the 1st stanza has a little cliche-y sound to it with "moved mountains" and "great white hunter"...maybe use proper names of mountain..."moved an Everest" or something. Oh I don't know. I still like it. 9
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2004, 1:50 PM
Love the last two lines.
on some deleted poem
30 Apr 2004, 8:08 PM
Love how the last stanza rhymes without reason. Great. And the other stuff, too.
on The road to melancholy by INTRANSIT
30 Apr 2004, 8:10 PM
Third stanza doesn't need to be there in my opinion. Love it anyway.
on moving away by celticskatermatt1
14 Nov 2004, 7:26 PM
who needs punctuation when the place has a face?
Maybe some nu-punk song lyrics.
Maybe some nu-punk song lyrics.
on Dreams of Neverland: Invitation to Neverland by TLRufener
8 Dec 2004, 11:10 PM
I like this enough to spend a little time with nitpicking...
A few comments: (as I read it out loud):
Line 10: omit "the scent of" - better w/out it
Line 11: Just "cast", not "casted"
Paragraph break after line 14 ..."balcony."
Line 15: "Gazed in awe" is kind of cliche-y.
Line 18: He already gave you his hand a few lines back.
Line 27: "thought" instead of "though", ok...
Sorry to analyze too much ..guess I kind of like the fantastical aspect of this poem. Like I like the movie "Willow". Or "The Neverending Story." But not the "Neverending Story Part II." That may have sucked worse than "Grease 2" with Michelle Pfeiffer.
A few comments: (as I read it out loud):
Line 10: omit "the scent of" - better w/out it
Line 11: Just "cast", not "casted"
Paragraph break after line 14 ..."balcony."
Line 15: "Gazed in awe" is kind of cliche-y.
Line 18: He already gave you his hand a few lines back.
Line 27: "thought" instead of "though", ok...
Sorry to analyze too much ..guess I kind of like the fantastical aspect of this poem. Like I like the movie "Willow". Or "The Neverending Story." But not the "Neverending Story Part II." That may have sucked worse than "Grease 2" with Michelle Pfeiffer.
on some deleted poem
8 Dec 2004, 11:12 PM
Omigod I am an only child but now I think I might have a sister.
on some deleted poem
8 Dec 2004, 11:18 PM
OK now, I have to pipe in...
1st stanza is brilliant...
I want to help stanza 2 somehow...
with less words? More subtlety?
...but love the line about troglodytes...
also, please tell me, if anyone,
where "Tycross Zoo" is?
Danke schon.
1st stanza is brilliant...
I want to help stanza 2 somehow...
with less words? More subtlety?
...but love the line about troglodytes...
also, please tell me, if anyone,
where "Tycross Zoo" is?
Danke schon.
on Dancing in Memories: Slipping Away In The House On The Hill by Stacy Stewart
8 Dec 2004, 11:20 PM
A little confusing point-of view-wise but I am into it big time anyways?
on some deleted poem
11 Dec 2004, 12:47 AM
I liked this enough to read it twice. Which is good, as I clearly have adult ADD.
Two suggestions:
1. The second "trying" from line 5 to 6 is redundant. More powerful once.
2. A few more line breaks would help break it up a bit and give it more punch.
Good effort. 7.9
Two suggestions:
1. The second "trying" from line 5 to 6 is redundant. More powerful once.
2. A few more line breaks would help break it up a bit and give it more punch.
Good effort. 7.9