on A Dreamers Cookery: Cosmic Gardener [edited] by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 5:52 PM
clever!
on Some follow marchers- others take time to understand it. by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 5:50 PM
great line: "blood is still a favored paint"
accidental typo in abundant, the "n" was dropped
need an apostrophe in won't-and in poet's in "a poet's work" and in i'm (i'm accustomed)
might be stronger to leave poets out of the first stanza since they are such a strong element in the second stanza. I liked "rainbow wizard in a pointy hat- very cute! Liked this overall, appreciated the point made...
excellent line: emotions have....an abundant supply of lips in motion
accidental typo in abundant, the "n" was dropped
need an apostrophe in won't-and in poet's in "a poet's work" and in i'm (i'm accustomed)
might be stronger to leave poets out of the first stanza since they are such a strong element in the second stanza. I liked "rainbow wizard in a pointy hat- very cute! Liked this overall, appreciated the point made...
excellent line: emotions have....an abundant supply of lips in motion
on Necromancers Song (Incubus Guitar & Buddhist Drums) by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 5:42 PM
moon's midnight (add apostrophe)-
you might consider using "among" the stars or even
"with" the stars- or "along with the winking stars."
Liked winking in there!
liquor's been drained (apostrophe- standing for the liquor has been drained). I really liked "the home where our questionable demeanor was accepted, at times applauded" and felt that was next sadly contradicted by "or draped with scorn"- maybe soften that with- or occasionally draped with scorn? Liked this very much, good capture of a scene- good question at the end!
you might consider using "among" the stars or even
"with" the stars- or "along with the winking stars."
Liked winking in there!
liquor's been drained (apostrophe- standing for the liquor has been drained). I really liked "the home where our questionable demeanor was accepted, at times applauded" and felt that was next sadly contradicted by "or draped with scorn"- maybe soften that with- or occasionally draped with scorn? Liked this very much, good capture of a scene- good question at the end!
on Poetic Soup [revised] by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 5:35 PM
Liked this! (oh- spell cannot as one word...)
on Pencil Dust [revised] by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 1:12 PM
I love some of this! But great lines lose impact when mixed in with cliches. The last stanza is marvelous.
on Pencil Dust [revised] by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 1:12 PM
I love some of this! But great lines lose impact when mixed in with cliches. The last stanza is marvelous.
on The Call Of Cannons by SupremeDreamer
1 Jan 2021, 6:40 PM
(petals of love, not pedals, I believe you meant?)
on Palm Field Park by SupremeDreamer
1 Jan 2021, 6:39 PM
Learned a new word. Sonance. Thanks! (sound)
A little cliche'd but sweet.
A little cliche'd but sweet.
on Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] by SupremeDreamer
1 Jan 2021, 6:29 PM
Using end of line rhymes but changing the scheme of the rhyme through the poem does not add to the poem. I would change it so it deliberately does not rhyme except for internal rhymes. You have some lovely lines and images but I do not see it really hanging together. I liked the ending from your original better, I REALLY like the lines "moves the feather/ thinking myself a bird. That is excellent!
on Frozen beauty by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 12:25 PM
I don't know that "looming" fits; loved all the rest of it.
on A soldiers life by closeup
1 Jan 2021, 12:23 PM
small grammatical fix: soldier's life (use an apostrophe)
soldier's death
I'd use a comma between company and Ted, not a semicolon, which is used to separate 2 complete sentences. I assume Ted is the corpse. The poem does capture strong emotion, and certainly makes a strong point
soldier's death
I'd use a comma between company and Ted, not a semicolon, which is used to separate 2 complete sentences. I assume Ted is the corpse. The poem does capture strong emotion, and certainly makes a strong point
again: the word is its here--no apostrophe.
Here is a simple rule of thumb to use to decide if "its" needs an apostrophe or not: If you can SUBSTITUTE
it is, use it's. Otherwise, do not use an apostrophe.
I like the metaphor, that faith is a fire, and how you carry the metaphor through the whole poem.
Here is a simple rule of thumb to use to decide if "its" needs an apostrophe or not: If you can SUBSTITUTE
it is, use it's. Otherwise, do not use an apostrophe.
I like the metaphor, that faith is a fire, and how you carry the metaphor through the whole poem.
on There is no end by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 12:11 PM
grammatical fix: its machine- should not have an apostrophe there. Maybe drop the first exclamation point. Two in a row are too much and actually lessens the impact.
Nice!
Nice!
on Night-mare by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 12:08 PM
I like the mystery and suggestion in this. I see her tears as maybe
indicating she feels she is getting older, less lovely with the passage of time. (A window in time is closing).
indicating she feels she is getting older, less lovely with the passage of time. (A window in time is closing).
on One liners for the ladies by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 12:07 PM
I enjoyed these! Honey works!
on Crossing the Mojave by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 12:02 PM
Loved the rhythm of this. One jarring word: hobby, broke the vision and feel of the poem.
add an apostrophe to one's in one's mind
loved line: blossom with roots/ entwined deep within the soil--lovely.
really like the last 3 lines.