on Bleeding V2 by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:57 AM
Well said!
on Panning for gold by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:55 AM
small grammar fix: its cage (no apostrophe)I love the last 6 lines, love "cree-yaw" for the
bird screeching against being imprisoned.
bird screeching against being imprisoned.
on What am I doing? by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:52 AM
Wow. intense.
on Angels Struggle by SupremeDreamer
1 Jan 2021, 11:50 AM
Some lovely lines. A few discordant ones: "His fear holds him dear", "needles poking forth" I'd remove the comma after "his circle of pain and joy".
Also- I think it should be: Humanity's struggle i.e. the struggle of humanity. You capture strong emotion, passion; I see this as describing Jesus Christ or a Christ-like figure. Like the ending a lot.
Also- I think it should be: Humanity's struggle i.e. the struggle of humanity. You capture strong emotion, passion; I see this as describing Jesus Christ or a Christ-like figure. Like the ending a lot.
on Vulgar peoples by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:45 AM
Yes, we send rocketships up into space...
I don't see the connection between "vulgar peoples, rocketships, the passage of time, and with people gone, peace--leaving ashes and embers.
I think it would help to make the connection more clear. Just because we send up rocketships we are vulgar? too unclear for me.
I don't see the connection between "vulgar peoples, rocketships, the passage of time, and with people gone, peace--leaving ashes and embers.
I think it would help to make the connection more clear. Just because we send up rocketships we are vulgar? too unclear for me.
on A hard life by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:42 AM
liked your Eskimo and Fish poem much more, used many of the same lines and ideas.
on The lightest touch by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:40 AM
Could not picture what was flashing ruby fright. A cop car?
Not clear enough to me, some nice imagery there.
Not clear enough to me, some nice imagery there.
on Rewrite of a goof poem. by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:39 AM
Sweet!
on Saline drip to the eye by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:38 AM
Really liked the second stanza, relates so beautifully to the title, creates an amazing picture of the diseased eye.
on The Eskimo and the fish by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 11:37 AM
one small spelling error: briefly
Like the connection between auger (to drill the hole into the ice so he can fish, and the idea of AUGUR, soothsaying, and omens.
Love how you show the Inuit in 2 worlds at once, the world of spirit and augury, and the physical world, and the connection between the 2. Suggest changing the title to The Inuit and the fish! Favorite lines: whiteness of time (double meaning); GREAT line: "small of fish bruised and burled. Love the last line with its double meaning: "who expect nothing more." Well done.
Like the connection between auger (to drill the hole into the ice so he can fish, and the idea of AUGUR, soothsaying, and omens.
Love how you show the Inuit in 2 worlds at once, the world of spirit and augury, and the physical world, and the connection between the 2. Suggest changing the title to The Inuit and the fish! Favorite lines: whiteness of time (double meaning); GREAT line: "small of fish bruised and burled. Love the last line with its double meaning: "who expect nothing more." Well done.
on What the runes said by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 10:59 AM
a few spelling errors, all minor: handful, rescind, water's
I have a poem that happens to use some of the same imagery of the rocks! Kind of neat! I will post it. It is titled Gathering Stones. Please do look at it!
I have a poem that happens to use some of the same imagery of the rocks! Kind of neat! I will post it. It is titled Gathering Stones. Please do look at it!
on A call to arms by INTRANSIT
1 Jan 2021, 10:54 AM
you meant: make them ask why (typo on them)
Silly!
Silly!
on the product of repetition by nentwined
29 Dec 2020, 4:22 PM
Cutesy. I see this poem as "a product of repetition".
on of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT
29 Dec 2020, 4:14 PM
its- no apostrophe in this case.
In the first stanza, I'd recommend dropping all the periods except for the last one in that stanza.
In the first stanza, I'd recommend dropping all the periods except for the last one in that stanza.
on Safe haven by INTRANSIT
29 Dec 2020, 4:11 PM
Enjoyed the humor!
on 6.387 seconds by INTRANSIT
29 Dec 2020, 4:08 PM
I think the rocketship Almost took off but failed. Liked the concrete imagery.
on This morning by INTRANSIT
29 Dec 2020, 4:06 PM
nice conceit!
on Table for 1 by INTRANSIT
29 Dec 2020, 4:06 PM
Evocative. Loneliness saturates the poem.
Liked much of this!"Don't burden about crashing; burden doesn't fit well there- just use "worry" or some similar word, I would recommend. cute metaphor.