on The Maguswolf by SupremeDreamer
7 Jan 2021, 4:20 PM
Love the use of valetudinarian! You don't shrink from the hard words!
on A heart without keys by sliver
2 Jan 2021, 6:51 PM
I really liked the last 2 lines, like how it goes Against the common cliche of "key to my heart"
on Mr. America (Hunting Season) by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:49 PM
In the second stanza, when you use the word daydreaming, grammatically it appears you are saying the dead rabbits are daydreaming...
No comma between decorated and with the head...
No comma between decorated and with the head...
on Vodka kisses & the final sigh, v.II (bloody vodka remix) by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:46 PM
cannot (one word) unless you think it is more "poetic" to keep them separated- I really do not think it is, I believe it just detracts from the flow.
bleedin' red...witherin'-saggin'-stirrin' ...
bleedin' red...witherin'-saggin'-stirrin' ...
on Scarlet Wyvern by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:44 PM
father's old - I feel you use quick rhymes sometimes instead of finding or using better-crafted sentences, especially since you have a gift with words
on Death & the Twisted Tree by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:40 PM
You have the tree as a being when you used "who was a master of time" but switched to it being a thing or object in the next stanza, using "it" showed me- these need to match, not contradict.
a man's reality (apostrophe)Really like the lines: There is no end to these roads/ they are as twisted and coiled as I am. Beautiful! The last 2 lines are kind of a let down, I think, with awkward phrasing.
a man's reality (apostrophe)Really like the lines: There is no end to these roads/ they are as twisted and coiled as I am. Beautiful! The last 2 lines are kind of a let down, I think, with awkward phrasing.
on Billy and the voices by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:35 PM
it's a matter
It's annoying
Pretty macabre!
It's annoying
Pretty macabre!
on Indiana Jones and the Temple of 'shroom by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:34 PM
Shrooms! been a long time...
on Eris, my blade, the accurst villanelle by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:33 PM
foe's flesh...cannot (one word)
shan't (shall not, a contraction)
like how you were careful with the metaphor (this poem is a blade) so it is fitting you would "sheathe" it if it does not sell-great last line!
shan't (shall not, a contraction)
like how you were careful with the metaphor (this poem is a blade) so it is fitting you would "sheathe" it if it does not sell-great last line!
on I Have... by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:29 PM
like many of the lines, such as "forging art from thought by crafting verse.
The lines are uneven, some just do not match the craft of other lines...
need apostrophes in poet's craft...one's imperfections...one's imaginary...one's self-perfection
you do carry the argument through the whole poem...
The lines are uneven, some just do not match the craft of other lines...
need apostrophes in poet's craft...one's imperfections...one's imaginary...one's self-perfection
you do carry the argument through the whole poem...
on maternal-infant bonding (rejection) by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:22 PM
mummie's milk...
found the poem funny, enjoyed it.
found the poem funny, enjoyed it.
on The Pedagogue and his son by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:21 PM
it's a bitch...
you accidentally dropped the "n" in the word convince...
you accidentally dropped the "n" in the word convince...
on The Sinners Saloon by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:19 PM
Recommend an apostrophe for Sinners' Saloon-
(Saloon of Sinners)--what do you have against apostrophes?
Good poem.
(Saloon of Sinners)--what do you have against apostrophes?
Good poem.
on Dawns Blood Concealed by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:18 PM
candent veins- intense!
I don't see how suspense is ever really placid...
liked the ending1 Strong!
I don't see how suspense is ever really placid...
liked the ending1 Strong!
on Pyrrhus smoked the sun by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:16 PM
I found the idea of "as boots scrape the last grains/ of our spirit into the receding ebbtide" a bit too opaque
on Padre's Gumbo by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:14 PM
Should be no comma in the second line.
Should be- is an image- (an, not a)
You might consider using "awarded the gold medal.", instead of "receiver of the gold medal"- just a suggestion.
Should be- is an image- (an, not a)
You might consider using "awarded the gold medal.", instead of "receiver of the gold medal"- just a suggestion.
on Musings: Willow Sculpture by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:10 PM
really liked "lachrymose blades" for the weeping willow's branches and leaves-and you provide a somewhat surprising, good ending!
Recommend using a colon after living statue. Semicolons are for joining 2 complete sentences.
Recommend using a colon after living statue. Semicolons are for joining 2 complete sentences.
on A wicked rose grows in God's grapevine. by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:06 PM
to stand is the opposite of being supine (2nd line)
child's toy add an apostrophe
I presume you are purposefully playing with the words faltered and faulted, deliberately combining them to coin a new word (faultered)?
child's toy add an apostrophe
I presume you are purposefully playing with the words faltered and faulted, deliberately combining them to coin a new word (faultered)?
on A Poet's Rifle by SupremeDreamer
2 Jan 2021, 6:01 PM
you have a quill in the first line, a pen at the end- I think it would help to have "pen" in the first and last stanzas.
arctic has two c's in it. Could have a capital a for Arctic, but does not have to. Cute reworking of the sentiment "I'll give you my guns when you pry them from my cold, dead hands"-
arctic has two c's in it. Could have a capital a for Arctic, but does not have to. Cute reworking of the sentiment "I'll give you my guns when you pry them from my cold, dead hands"-
1 point: you use "vhs tape called memory" and then you say "like and old film". They mean the same thing really, should change "like an old film" to something that differs more, I suggest.